The Kitchen Tiles
In the New House
Pearlie: I dinny like those tiles. I’d sooner have the red tiles.
Nelly: Do you not like them? Funny’s enough I love them. They’re my favourite tiles in the whole house. I waited weeks to get those tiles I love them so much.
Pearlie: Well I dinny like them.
Cullybackey Road Roundabout
Nelly: Would you come on to hell out of that? Sitting there like an eedjit!
Pearlie: (slapping Nelly’s arm) Stop that oul sweering.
Nelly: Sure I only said hell.
Pearlie: Saying hell is a terrible thing.
Nelly: Well you shouldn’t have slapped me. You could have put me off the road.
Pearlie: Sure it was only a wee light tap. Like this. (Slaps Nelly again to prove point)
Nelly: You nearly had me off the road there again. See when we get out to Matty’s you’re going in the back seat. Matty never slaps me for swearing at the other drivers.
The road to Magherafelt
Matty: There’s an awful lot of piebald horses about the country these days.
Nelly: Aye, there is. And I’m noticing a lot of people are back to keeping donkeys too.
Pearlie: Aye, the donkeys were very scarce there a while back.
Matty: They’ve got very dear too. They say you couldn’t get a donkey now for less than £500.
Nelly: I’m going to ask Bert to buy me a donkey for Christmas.
Pearlie. A donkey! What would ye want him to get ye a donkey for?
Nelly: I think they’re lovely.
Pearlie: Ye have no need of a donkey. I think it’s terrible you expecting Bert to spend all that money on ye.
Nelly: OK. I’ll ask him to get me a laptop then.
Pearlie: A laptop! That’s terrible. Sure ye hae a computer. What do ye want another one for……..
The outside bit of a wee cheesecake bun.
In Mrs Ditty’s of Dawson City
Nelly: So that’ll be two cups of coffee and two fruit scones. What about you Pearlie?
Pearlie: I’ll have tea for I dinny like the coffee ye get when ye’re oot for it’s too strong. And I dinny like scones so I’ll have a wee plain bun.
Waitress: A wee cheesecake bun?
Pearlie: Aye that’ll do.
Moments later Pearlie dashes up to confab with waitress. Returns.
Pearlie: I’m no getting a cheesecake bun. I like the inside bit o’ them but I dinny like the outside bit.
On Toome’s new bridge
Nelly: Well that’s us back in the County Antrim now.
Pearlie: Why? Where were we?
Nelly: We were in Derry.
Pearlie: Were we in Derry? Ye mean Londonderry! Ye should call it Londonderry!
Nelly: Sure I can call it whatever I like.
Pearlie: Ye should call it Londonderry for that’s its name. Ye live in this country and that’s what it’s called in this country. Why don’t ye call it Londonderry?
Nelly: Because I’m a Fenian. Fenians don’t say Londonderry. What do you call it Matty?
Matty: I call it Derry City.
Pearlie: Well yez should call it Londonderry!
Aah. The old arguments are always the best.
Banties shiteing on her doorstep.
Pearlie: Och. Them wee gets. Messing up my doorstep.
Nelly: You’ll not be bothered with that when I have them in a run with all the other fowl I’m getting.
Pearlie: What! They’ll be in no pen.
Nelly: They will. I’m not having them shiteing all over my house.
Pearlie: They’ll not go near your house.
Nelly: They’ll not for they’ll be in a run with all their new friends.
Pearlie: They’ll be in no pen.
Nelly. They’ll be in a run or they’ll be in a pot. For broth.