Sunday, November 27, 2005

Teething Troubles (More Misery)

Misery One

An abscess under a tooth .

Misery Two

My Dentist is wonderful but a million other people think so too and I could not get an appointment. Just a prescription. I thought it was working but the abscess seems to be bigger and stronger than the antibiotic.

Misery Three

Then I lost my denture and had to go to work with a gappy smile. But given my current form it was more like a gappy snarl. I told my colleagues that I couldn't wear it because my mouth was too sore but that was a lie. It is thoroughly lost. I look like a bag lady.

And tonight I must sleep yet again in the high bed in the clouds.

Bright Side

It will be better than the vile bed I slept in last night.

Last Night In Spide City

Wakened at ten past three by buzzing noise. I thought it was the emergency phone and staggered out of the vile, spongey, single bed to lift phone. Hello, hello.... Nobody there. The buzzing continues and I realise it is the front door. It might be the police so I lean out the window which is on the same side as the staff flat but quite a distance from the front door. It is not the police but a wee spidey shite in a baseball cap who is leaning on the doorbell. I say,

What do you want?
He looks at me amazed. As far as he's concerned I'm three doors down. What can this wild-haired madwoman with the gappy snarl want with him?

I said what are you doing ringing that doorbell? What do you want?

I want in here.

Well you can't come in here.

Is that here too?

Aye it is. Who do you want?

I want to speak to Ivan.

Get a grip on yourself. There's no Ivan here. Now clear away off.
And he did. Sometimes I wonder why these young men aren't much ruder to me but no doubt they are afraid that I will mount my broomstick and fly after them.


ed said...

Nah. It's just that the nice, well behaved youth in Ballymena have a healthy, polite attitude to their elders and betters.

Nelly said...

And also that I am a very scarey lady who reminds them of their most frightening primary school teacher.

You probably know this already but when you are taking youth to task you must never swear. Using bigger words than they are used to is helpful too as in 'be off with you impertinent spalpeen!' or 'haste away you ill brought up rapscallion!'

ed said...

I find that sometimes a little swearing can have the desired effect. Used in moderation, of course. It really disorientates some of the wee buggers.

after several minutes 'discussion'
Me: Ah, will you just piss off ya wee shite. You're boring me now.

Them: Butbutbutbutbut you can't swear at me mister! That's fucking abuse, that's what that is! Oh, you're in so much trouble now!

Me: Riiiiight. You're here, drunk, abusive and definitely guilty of twattery with intent, and it's me who's getting in bother. Piss off, gobshite.

Them: butbutbutbutbutbutbutbut I mentioned abuse, and you're not immediately caving in to my every need/desire/whim! This does not compute!
* head explodes at logical failure in brats sense of belief in their smegged up system *

That said, several of them did get my stock lecture on ID cards this weekend, with big words and everything. "No, your ID is not valid, because there is no UK ID scheme. Nor is there a specific 'English National ID Card', for their is actually no 'English Nation', nor would they have sufficient leglislation in place, should such a nation exist. Furthermore, should the leglislation that is currently in front of the House of Lords actually pass, I still wouldn't accept that ID, because it would be several years before such ID would be in common usage. And I don't like it. So smear it in KY and shove it up your arse. Buh bye."

Nelly said...

Love it. But you'd never get a job in our place talking to the 'customers' like that. But then you wouldn't want a job in our place.

By the way you're in danger of showing your caring side. KY jelly?

ed said...

Oh, I'm allowed, nay encouraged, to be impolite. But they land like a ton of bricks on anyone who suggests a breech of Health&Safety. And the HSE manual clearly states that no plastic cards may be inserted anally without the provision of a lubricant.

Bloody HSE. Spoiling all my one line putdowns. Do you know, they even frown on the one about "go away or you'll be wearing your ass for a hat", because apparently it doesn't meet the hygiene requirements for headwear. Spoilsports.

Nelly said...

D'ye think they'll ever impose H&S regs on private dwellings. Because if they do we're banjaxed.

Even as I sit here I can see about 20 things I could wrire about 20 risk assessments.

And outside? Well there's the plastic manhole cover that kept being skited off and into which I once so memorably plunged.