Monday, April 10, 2006

Nelly's Goodbye

I heard Bert saying the other morning about Jamie,

“Another clean shirt’ll do that boy.”

Reason – Jamie was coughing and spluttering because he smokes too much. Bert’s remark in translation means,

“Judging by the sound of him that fellow is going to die soon.”

Now of course clean shirts don’t apply to myself as I don’t wear ‘em but I fear that I’ll not be needing many more clean blouses as I’m on my way out too. Won’t be long now before I’m under the mountain ash. And I’ll tell you for why because I was reading something very scary over at Jimmy Porter’s place.

With growing horror I realised that the severe sore throat I woke up with this morning is actually the dreaded Avian Flu! How do I know? Let me list my Reasons To Be Fearful.

  • We have taken possession of two new hens, ex-battery slaves, name of Patsy and Attracta.

  • Our dog Paddy is obsessed with them.

  • Patsy is poorly. Bert says it’s because Paddy mumphed at her but I know it’s Avian Flu.

  • Paddy licked Patsy’s arse.

  • Later on that evening he licked my face.

It’s been nice knowing you all.  Keep on blogging.

14 comments:

Adam said...

So you have fever, sore throat, muscle aches, headache, lethargy, conjunctivitis, breathing problems and chest pains?

Nelly said...

So far just the sore throat. So now I know what else to expect. Thanks Adam.

Anonymous said...

know what you mean, i've already been to the GP-sure you'll be fine. re berts observation: black pots and kettles maybe? you still off anything you can inhale?

mikey x

Nelly said...

Mikey - the only thing I inhale these days is God's good fresh air, diesel fumes and second-hand smoke.

Oh aye I forgot - the reek of burning garages.

ed said...

While it is possibly bird flu, there is a much more serious, and more common threat.

A different flu.

A flu that has many carriers, some of whom you have admitted contact with.

The most deadly of all flus.

Nelly: do you have manflu?

Nelly said...

Sure I haven't been near a man in weeks.

Nelly said...

Is there such a thing as Big Girl's Blouse Flu? Only asking.

Manuel Estimulo said...

Nelly--

You must stay in the doors and soak wet rag in vinegar then hold it over your face for eight days conseutively.

Also eat lots of beetroot and travel everywhere on your knees.

Is only surefire cure for avian flu at moment.

Also kill all pets.

Nelly said...

I could cope with the beetroot part but the rest of the cure seems a bit harsh. All pets? Even Patsy and Attracta?

Ronni said...

Once every country in the world has emptied its coffers into the pharmaceutical company that makes Tamiflu, the bird flu will fade away.

Dick Cheyney owns stock in the company. Can't remember the name of the company. I read somewhere that he has been selling high.

Nelly said...

Interesting Ronni. I wonder what the next big panic will be?

Sandra said...

Foot rot. All those fancy trainers give people sweaty feet, and it is only a matter of time before they start to rot. Some people already have it, but it has yet to be recognised.

ed said...

Whatever's next, it's not Mr Cheney who's behind it, it's the eevil drugs companies. The BBC says so.

Nelly said...

I'm not dead yet but I feel like sh*te and I'm completely raging that I'm not scheduled to be at Mingerton as I'd be perfectly justified pulling a sickie for this one.

Drugs companies are scaremongering bollix but they don't scare me. We don't live forever. Something's got to see us off.