Not only is Ganching getting into a big flooster about The Wedding she is also getting her eyebrows threaded. And there are my own eyebrows not that unlike Denis Healey’s and God knows where I’ve put the tweezers.
All this titivating for the sister’s wedding has got me looking about at other women my age to see what the average well-groomed (or not) fifty-something is wearing these days. Here’s what I’ve spotted on the streets of Ballymena in the past two sunny days.
1. The normal look. There are lots of these about. The woman is in fairly good shape. She is clean and tidy. Her hair is short and styled and is either ash blonde or silvery grey depending on her interest in sex. She favours neat clothes in shades of beige and mushroom. Her bra is ill-fitting. I got measured for a bra yesterday and am now an ‘F’ cup. I look down at my chest area and the bolster has gone. Now I’m wearing what looks like two upturned baking bowls underneath my purple three-quarter length sleeved tee-shirt.
2. The ultra-spide look. The hair is dyed in violent black and magenta stripes. It clashes horribly with the lemon puffa jacket and crop trousers ensemble. The complexion is mahogany the make-up clarried and she accessorises with a load of cheap bling and a Mayfair cigarette. I am wearing no make-up apart from some tea-tree lip balm. My purple tee-shirt hardly clashes at all with my flowery cheesecloth freesize skirt. I hang my pedometer at the front of the skirt along with the jingly bells.
3. The hooker look. She’s slender and tall and her long strawy hair is peroxide blonde, worn half up and half down. She’s got far too much make-up on. She is wearing a very short denim skirt, heels and tights. Her legs are shapely so why tights? Varicose veins. She’s a 1661. Looks sixteen from the back and sixty-one from the front. I match back and front. My matronly arse end matches my matronly front end. This only cheers me a little bit.
4. The bohemian feminist look. She’s wearing a tartan shirt and cargo pants, brown sandals and socks. Her face is bare of cosmetics and her hair is undyed. It’s iron grey and hangs over her shoulders in long thin braids. I’m intrigued by this look. She looks intelligent and a bit stern. I’m getting my too long hair cut and coloured tomorrow.