For once I've got lots of things to write about and they are all so very interesting that I don't know where to begin. Oh! I do know where to begin - where I always begin. A List.
- Just Because It's A Heatwave Doesn't Mean You're Allowed To Wear Your Bra As A Top!
- The Joy of Watering.
- Chasing the Piglet.
The first topic is actually Hannah's and refers to a lady d'un certain age and voluptuous proportions who thought that an ill-fitting bikini top was an appropriate garment to go shopping in. May I hastily point out that it certainly wasn't me, as I am a desprit hoor for modesty and wouldn't be seen dead in a bikini of any colour or shape. Quite frankly I'd rather go naked.
And Hannah said, that to make matters worse, the bikini top was a horrible brown colour. And that the unfortunate creature was eating a sausage roll. Bert said she'd probably chosen brown so that the HP sauce stains wouldn't show.
Anyways I think I might have found Mrs Brown Bikini's discarded shopping list when I was In Tescos with Matty. Did I ever tell youse that I love noseying at other people's shopping lists? Handwritten ones are the best.
- LARD
- LOAF
- SAUSAGE ROLLS
- TEA BAGS
You forgot the HP sauce!
ReplyDeleteThis made me snigger out loud and get glared at by a hungover Ukranian guy in the next bunk.
ReplyDelete"the unfortunate creature was eating a sausage roll." I don't know why this amuses me so much, but it really does. Your blog always makes me feel closer to home when I need to. :)
She probably nicks her sauce out of those baskets in cafes and because they are so deadly to open the sauce always spurts over her brown bikini.
ReplyDeleteAnd Hails - if you can still snigger, you will survive!
I have a worse image than that:
ReplyDelete1 x very large, very pale middle aged woman
1 x huge gut, overhanging over where a belt may possibly live
1 x pair of denim hot pants
1 x bra top
1 x patented "Susan Boyle" dance, for all the lucky motorists nearby
Laugh? I nearly vomited. And then nearly poked my eyes out just to make the pain stop.
And where did you see this vision of loveliness Ed? The 'Mena?
ReplyDeleteNope, Belfast's finest Springfield Road.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Hail. The picture of a babe in a bustin' out bikini mouthing a sausage is just too funny.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. funny for you and Hails Anna but 'twasn't your eyes that were forced t witness the terrible sight.
ReplyDeleteBest bit of that story though is I bumped into some poeple I knew who asked me had I seen the elderly, overweiight women wearing a bikini top. I hadn't but a mere 30 seconds after sying goodbye to them, I turned the corner and, lo and behold, there she was munching on her sausage roll. Ed - not only ddid my eyes bleed but I cnsidered going home and killing myself.
And the experience must have made one or more of your fingers drop off, as only that could explain your typos.
ReplyDeleteI think that killing yourself would be a tad harsh; everyone would have to have the circumstances explained to them at the wake and then the image would be unnecessarily spread to innocent folk.
ReplyDeleteNo, it would be better all round just to poke the eyes out and then not mention anything about it ever again.