Class Meets Ass

But which is which?

I kind of like Anna Wintour. She's got a good look and all the better for leaving off the big sunnies. But I sure hope that coat is fake fur for I like cats more than Ms Wintour.

Now Sienna. You clown. You attention-seeking little madam. Out in your pantie-girdle and not a skirt to your name. You don't even need a girdle. Still I suppose it is a better look than flashing the fan like Britney et al.

How Come?

Our phone line has had a fault on it - so says BT. They also say the engineer will have it fixed by tomorrow. So, how come the phone hasn't worked for two days yet I've still got an internet connection?

First Days

There are lots of first days in temping work. The run up to them is always nerve wracking. After the angst the actual first day is almost always a doddle. Today was no exception.

It's the third or fourth days that can be problematical. Those are the days when the employer might start to think, is this one ever going to get the hang of this?

I meant to swot the company on the web last night but I watched the Big Brother final instead. Jermaine Jackson was robbed. Not to say that Shilpa wasn't a worthy winner but...I cannot help thinking that they rig the vote. What perfection that she should win after her ordeal at the hands of Jade the Obscene. Methinks a fix.

I cannot help feeling sorry for Danielle though. She makes it to the final night and comes out to find she's a dumped social pariah. And what about Jack? Sitting on Russell Brand's show as large as life and as if he hadn't rode to 'fame' on the coat tails of Britain's most hated woman.

Do you know something? I've just decided. I'm never going to appear on TV.

Not a lot of people know this but Bert was on TV once. The Ulster News as it happens. Someone was being interviewed on the streets of Ballyclare and Bert just wandered past. He was wearing a light-coloured jacket and someone had written on it the legend,

I am a TV

Bert was not aware of any of this. He was going to a bun shop and all that was in his head was sausage rolls and currant squares.

Another person of my acquaintance that has appeared on the News is Swisser. She would normally be pontificating about the importance of eating breakfast or some such nutritional-type nugget of information. She's always going on about that sort of thing - even when she's not on Tv and only at Nellybert's for her tea. She'll be going on and on about transfats and carcinogens. I just say to her,

Leave work at work. Now shut up and eat your Jenny Bristow Pear Tart and never mind what sort of butter I used!

And speaking of butter the Wee Manny said he wasn't the better of the other Saturday night until the following Wednesday. He said he only had half an Interesting Brownie. But Ploppy Pants reports that he savaged three into him around about two in the morning. And had to be put to bed!

Keenog Stan

A man travelled to a distant land. As he travelled through the country he came to a beautiful city. He was so impressed by the buildings he saw that he stopped a man in the street and said, "Who built this beautiful city?" The man replied, "Keenog Stan."

The traveller came to a wonderful garden. Again he asked a passer-by, "Who designed this wonderful garden?" The woman replied, "Keenog Stan."

In the garden he saw a glorious rose bush. The scent was the most delicious he had ever come across. He asked a gardener, "Who grew this beautiful rose?" The gardener answered him with, "Keenog Stan." The traveller thought that this Keenog Stan must be a very remarkable person.

And so it went on. Every wonderful thing that the traveller saw had been designed, built, developed, invented by Keenog Stan - which meant "I do not understand" in the language of the country.

I was very impressed with this fable when I first encountered it in Wide Range Readers: Blue Book 5 at age eight or so. Does anyone else remember these readers? There were also Green Books which we didn't use. I was sure that Green Books were sure to be much more interesting than our Blue Books and were probably kept for the exclusive use of those sophisticated Protestants.

How Very Dare You!

Bert is watching television. Nelly is stomping around the kitchen. Bert shouts for Nelly to come see something.

Bert: Here! Look at that! You should go in for that. You'd be great at that.

Nelly: What! Strictly Lady Sumo?

Bert: Yeah! You could do that.

Nelly: Let me tell you this young-fellow-me-lad. If I were to go in for that you would be a sorry boy! A very sorry boy indeed!

Bugger That

Sore back has returned. Baa'stard!

Not Another New Job!

Yes indeedy. I start next Monday.

This couldn't have come at a better time for I was starting to realise that the hands-on caring work was not for me. Hurting my back scared me to bits. I'd always have been worried about it happening again.

No details on the new job other than I'll be working for a young businessman who is a friend of a friend.

Good Advice

"Sandra don't listen to Nelly as you know what a blether she is."

So says Ganching. And she should know.

But seriously folks - the purpose of this blog is to amuse myself and, hopefully, occasionally, to amuse others. It's not to offend or 'get at' people. It seems that I may have offended someone over the past few days and for that I am sorry. It wasn't my intention.

Feel free to contact me on my email if you want to talk about this outside the public domain.

Colour Quiz

Nelly took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of exp..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Thanks to Rolpol for the link

I Got Those Goddamned Sore Back Blues

If I were an old time blues singer (and I'd love to be) I'd be called Big Fat Mama Nelly Moser and my signature tune would be 'Those Ol' Sore Back Blues'.

If Bert were an ol' time blues player he'd be Blind Bobby John Orr and he'd be famous for singing and playing 'My Ol' Fat Mama Don't Jelly Roll No More'.

So guess who has been on SoulSeek adding to her blues collection?

Ouchie!

I mentioned on Friday that I hurt my back at work but, being a brave and uncomplaining soul, haven't mentioned it since.

Well - on Saturday morning it was difficult getting out of bed and I was well pissed off about it. But after a few co-codamol, a 40 minute walk and a hot bath I was reasonably fine.

Yesterday it seemed to have stiffened up again but after the painkiller, walk and bath treatment it was grand by last night and I was all set for work today.

This morning it was great - hardly a twinge and I set off for work. Maybe a little bit sore getting out of the car but nothing much - then...

Maybe it was a bit of an atmosphere I sensed, maybe it was the cold, maybe apprehension that the work expected of me was physical but whatever, the next thing my back went into a sort of spasm. The worst pain yet. I sent myself home.

So here I am. Sore to sit down, sore to stand and sore to walk. I'm dosed to the eyeballs with painkillers and I've got a hottie stuffed down the back of my trousers. As if my arse wasn't big enough.

I Never Read Moby Dick

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

Found at El Capitan's

Go on Ganching. Bet you're a book snob! Bet Marc's one too.

And Ed - a Literate Good Citizen?

That Hurts

I hurt my back this morning while helping a small, disabled man from a car to a wheelchair. I was following all the correct procedures, using a handling belt and so on but it's an awkward move and this man can be a dead weight at times. Next thing I felt something pull in my lower back.

It has moved up to the middle of my back now but here's hoping it will be all gone by the morning. I'm on medication of course - Chardonnay and co-codamol. And Matty is praying for me. I'll be grand in the morning.

A Cold Goodbye

Pearlie saw her specialist today. She is not much the wiser about what ails her but she has been told she will have an endoscopy procedure done at some time in the future.

While Bert and she were at the hospital I went to my Aunt's funeral with Leitrim Sister and Matty. Not so many of Matty's generation around now. They're either gone or too ill to go to funerals. I met around thirty of my cousins and we're getting to be the oldies now. Nearly all of us as grey as badgers and the rest either dyed or bald. Except Leitrim Sister who still sports a full head of ginger (ahem! I mean auburn) curls.

The funeral service was one of the best I've ever heard. For once the priest spoke of a real person rather than a plaster saint. My Aunt was not the easiest of women yet he described her in a way that highlighted her humanity, helped me to understand her eccentricities, her outspokenness and made me wish I'd had more time for her. A lesson learned. We froze at her graveside. I'm sure it served me right.

1932-2007

Mattyspeak

In Matty's world people do not experience concern or merely worry. No. In Matty's world people are 'demented' or 'demented with worry'. And you'd never be poorly or ill - in order of seriousness you would be,

• not well
• not a bit well
• not one bit well
• awaitin' on
• annointed
• dead
• buried

For example: Your Uncle Davy is not one bit well. His one's are demented about him.

In her world a person does not disapprove of something. They are 'dead nuts against it'.

Your Vancouver Brother is dead nuts against tablets.

Tablets? What d'ye mean?

He's dead nuts against all the tablets I'm on. He says I've no need of them and that the doctors are all pill-pushers.

His arse! Sure isn't it the tablets that are keeping all youse oul wans living?

I told him that. I told him I needed all my tablets except that wee sleeping tablet. I don't really need it but I like it.

Sure it does you no harm.

Aye! But you'll die when you hear this one. The third day he was here he told me he got a great night's sleep. Says he took one of my sleeping tablets!

And after him giving off too.

Aye. I told him he could have one more of them and then he'd got his gettings!

A Nest of Vipers...

...you know who y'all are.

On my mind -

Pearlie. She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow. What is gastrenterology? Is this why she doesn't like eating?

Matty. Her sister died on Sunday and she's very sad.

Old People In General. So worrying. They get sick and then they die.

Bonnie. Covered in boils and on heat. The vet says it's nothing to fret about. And that will be another twenty of your fine pounds.

The Aforementioned Nest. Why can't people be nice? Or at least pretend to be.

Extreme Cooking

Our local celebrity chef Jenny Bristow is, in my opinion, up there with Nigella, Jamie and the rest of them.

Her unique appeal lies in that she can create new ideas and twists using affordable ingredients that are ready available in any local or high street shop,

I'm confident in saying that Jenny's recipes are so well designed that successful results can be guaranteed even when the cook is drunk.

Inspired by Jenny's example and using her brownie recipe I created my own unique twist using ingredients not easily found in any local or high street shop.

Cybez' recipe for Nigerian Groundnut Stew went down well with the carnivores while the veggies relished a meat-free chili dish. We had parsnip soup to begin and apple & raspberry crumble to finish.

Everything seemed a little topsy-turvy last night. At one point during a conversation with Swisser I realised that she was making total sense while I was talking bollocks. How strange.

I was fast asleep by 11pm while everyone else stayed up until 2am. Was it the wine, the brownies, exhaustion? Who knows? But I do know this - the way I felt this morning makes me glad that getting stoned is becoming an annual event rather than a daily one.

Interesting Brownies...

are very interesting indeed.

What's Cookin'?

I'm making Nigerian Groundnut Stew and Interesting Brownies tonight. Please pray for me and my guests.

AND.....a very Happy Berliner Birthday to Ganching!

Bert Cooks Plain Dinners But Pearlie Disnae Like Them

On Tuesday we had mince, onions and carrots for dinner. Pearlie told her niece,

I suppose it was alright. I couldnae eat the oul carrots because my teeth were in the kitchen and I wouldn't ask Bert to bring them into me for he'd only be shouting at me.

He cooked liver for dinner yesterday evening. When he asked Pearlie what she thought of it she said,

I didnae think much o' it.

Tonight it was steak pie and mushy peas. She accepted it with fairly good grace and asked for salt and pepper. He brought her the salt and pepper shakers from the kitchen.

I dinnae like them oul salt and pepper dusters. Bring me them ither salt and pepper dusters from the kitchen...