Sunday, August 02, 2009

In Which I Clean My Car

My Hairy Helpmates

Matty has been dropping hints about me getting a new car. She does not like my current vehicle because it is too hairy and she has a serious aversion to dog hair. I’m afraid I am not prepared to give up the pleasures of taking Bonnie and Paddy out in the car just to please her and if she wants to buy herself a nice clean wee motor then I’ll happily drive her around in it. I don’t know where she got all these notions from, her having been a farmer’s wife and all. I blame Ganching and the London Sister. They come over here and hire shiny clean cars to ferry Matty around in and now she thinks that’s the way life should be.

Hairiness I can handle and the smell of a wet dog is one of my favourite scents but when the car starts to smell faintly yogurty then it’s time to get busy. It wasn’t easy getting the cleaning done with both dogs in the car watching me and totally refusing to get out. Half an hour later I had vacuumed a ton of hairs and found several quids worth of loose change, one rotten banana and a mouldy orange. Surely that was the source of the smell? I trailed the dogs out, closed all the doors and went for a coffee break. When I returned the cheesy reek was still there. I moved to the boot. There was a big cardboard box of Pearlie’s surplus ornaments that I keep meaning to drop off at a charity shop. I noticed that the edge of the box looked nibbled. Maybe there was a family of mice living in my car and they had all died and that was the source of the smell. With much trepidation I started to clear the boot out. By this time Zoe and Dave and Young Loveheart and Bert were all standing around sniffing my car and making disgusted faces. Young Loveheart (him being a mechanic) ripped the boot apart and there before us was the source of the smell. Some sort of buttermilk dripping through into the well where the spare wheel lived had all had turned to cheese and was quietly fermenting. My spare wheel was covered with stinking cheese! Oh the scrubbing, the boiling water, the bleaching and the power hosing that had to be done before I got rid of it.
Later I asked Young Loveheart if, in the course of his duties, he came across many filthy cars.
Oh yes.

And what has been the rottenest car you have ever seen?

Oh yours. Without a doubt.


Brighid said...

Oh, I think Marymine is one up on you. She had a large family of mice living in her old SUV. Living high on burgers, fries, chips, candy, school lunches, sodas,& shakes. We set a trapline and caught enough to make that fur boa I've always wanted.

Nelly said...

The idea of a boa made from the pelts of mice has been amusing m all morning. Your friend's car sounds a lot more stinking than mine which just goes to prove that children are filthier than dogs.

Grannymar said...

My elderly aunt once spilled a carton of cream, by accident, on the dashboard of her car. It dripped down into every crevice including the heating system. The car stank for years... Why she tried to drive with it on the shelf above the dash, I will never know. Ok! Ok! It was only around the corner from the shops to home and she was in a hurry. :(

Nelly said...

Oh lord! That sounds ghastly. Looks like I got off lightly and that Young Loveheart has led a sheltered life. He did say he got fleas from one car he was working with.

evilganome said...

Filthiest car award. Well done! I was riding in a friends car this weekend which reeked of a certain herb. I was polite enough not to mention it.

Later as we were getting into the car, he mentioned that the car reeked of pot. It seems he got the car from his boyfriends drug abusing brother and was going to spend the next day detailing the car in an attempt to get rid of the smell.

Still, I think I'd stick with the smell of pot over cheese.

(Did it make you think at all about J.K. Jerome talking about the cheese in "3 Men in a Boat"?

Nelly said...

Herbs (of all kinds) smell better than stinking cheese any day of the week. My runny car cheese was not quite as ripe as the cheese described by JKJ - I think I got to it in time.

Tonight when I was tidying my bedroom I picked up what I thought might be an apple core from under the bed. It turned out to be a recently slaughtered shrew mouse. Poor thing. A gift from the cat no doubt.

Anna said...

My dad had an old car which he only drove once or twice a month to go into town to pick up the mail and maybe have a beer or two. Whenever he started up a mouse would jump out from under the seat, make a couple of circles then disappear up into the dash. He said it didn't bother anything so he just let it alone.

It also kept mom from accompanying him to the tav. ;-)

Musings of Mel said...

Haha - that made me laugh out loud. Perhaps there was a new type of cheese growing in there - we could make a small fortune out of it.

Fermented spare tyre cheese - mmmmm!

Nelly said...

I like the idea of the mouse-haunted car acting as a spouse deterrent. Less keen on the idea of the spare tyre cheese. Surely an attyred taste!

therese said...

i love this thread.