Tuesday, February 28, 2006
So it’s goodbye to My Lost Identity who has either fallen down that borehole or found a new identity that doesn’t do blogging. I hope it’s the latter as she seemed like a really nice person and I hope her life is going well for her now.
And it’s hello to SWM who hardly ever updates his blog but we’re already Flickrmates and he likes dogs so I’ll forgive him his occasional use of rude language because my dogs swear a bit too.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Rosie: Deed I do. Shall we feck off scunging Pads? See what we can rustle up?
Scruff: Youse are desprit hoors for the scunging. Nelly’s gonna be feckin’ ragin’ at ye.
Rosie: Ah shut yer Kerry yap. That’s all ye’re good for is suckin’ up tae Nelly and Bert.
Paddy: Aye. Ye think ye’re their brown-eyed boy right enough. But we think you’re not wise. Don’t we Rose?
Rosie: Aye we do. Sure you’re a powerful oul eedjit running round in circles barking at crows. D’ye iver catch one ye eedjit?
Scruff: D’ye ever catch a fox then?
Rosie: I wis that close tae one wunst the hairs of its oul brush wis ticklin’ me nose.
Scruff: Yer hole!
Paddy: Ye’ve no bisness speakin’ tae Rose like that. She’s a good Antrim collie worth a dozen o’ ye, ye Kerry mongrel.
Scruff: Mongrel? Ye’re calling me a mongrel? I’ll have ye know my father was a Crufts champion! He served bitches on rosewood dining tables in Mayfair!
Rosie: Aye! And yer ma was some oul ride from a tinker’s camp in Ballyferriter! That makes you a mongrel.
Scruff: Feck yez both! I’m away back tae Bert’s good stove.
Rosie: Away on then ye big pansy! Mind some bird disnae shite on ye!
And here's one I took earlier. On this occasion they did not run away. Well not far. I could still see them. ...in the distance.
This happened. I was talking to her for about 45 minutes and she was telling me about her life up to now. About the beatings she took and the emotional abuse and neglect she suffered. And she’s only 16 but has much more courage than I’m used to seeing. She has plans and ambitions. She’s not broken by it.
Twenty minutes after she left me she was attacked by another female. No real reason for it at all. It was a violent, unprovoked attack that left her bloody and sore. And it happened while I was under the same roof as her. And I knew nothing about it until it was over.
She’s scared now but still not broken.
And me? I’m supposed to be an appropriate adult. I wish I could have prevented what happened. All I can do is write risk assessments, write reports and offer support but I can’t leave the premises to act as an appropriate adult. I just pick up broken pieces. Except she’s not broken. Not yet.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
And if any of my daughters should read this don't be alarmed - I like being middle-class.
When Nellybert first met Marty he was only a lad of 20 something. He'd just got married and there was a new baby in the house. Despite this I fell in love with him.
Well my love grew to encompass the entire Banjo family and now somethingteen years later the Banjos are among our closest friends. That baby is at secondary school and there's been another baby, Bert's godson Ben, since then. Over the years we've supported each other through highs and lows.
So happy fortieth birthday Marty. Hope you have a good one. All the best from Cully.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Your Aunt Jeannie's in the hospital.
Is she? What's wrong with her now?
She hasn't been a bit well. She was in bed for a fortnight.
So it's the laziness bothering her then?
Her Kieran was looking after her. He does his best but he hasn't got a clue. Her Caroline looks in now and again but she's took up with this new boy. I think she stays with him. Anyway Jeannie wasn't getting any better so they got the doctor in.
So what was wrong with her anyway?
Her kidneys. She had dehydration.
Well I suppose she would be dehydrated lying sleeping all day. Not drinking enough.
Ye needn't think I'll be going to visit her. I hate her.
I'm not going either. She'd only put me in bad form.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
D'ye fancy going to see that Johnny Cash film? It's supposed to be very good. Jonny loved it and Joe liked it that much he went to see it twice.
I'll buy you your tea afterwards. It'll be like me taking you out on a date.
So we went and I even bought him popcorn.
Afterwards I said,
Did you enjoy the film?
Aye I did.
You realise I brought you out to see a romance?
Aye! It was a romance! No shooting, no killing, no ghosts, nothing scarey atall! It was a load of oul keek!
Afterwards we enjoyed a fish supper at the Merchant Fish Bar in Linenhall Street. He was only jesting about not liking the film.
I wish Bert would propose to me on a stage in front of thousands of people and I wish he could lift me off my feet like Joaquin lifted Reese but he'd get a hernia or do his back in if he tried that with me. He could lift me if I was a wee poppet like Reese Witherspoon but I'm not so there you go.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Aye. And then you should burn the both of them!
I can't do that. One of them is yours!
Well burn your own then.
I won't. I'll just be sensible with it.
You wouldn't know how to be sensible with it.
Course I would.
Bert sneaks about the house turning down the cental heating and turning off what he thinks are unnecessary radiators. I sneak around after him turning it back up again. Meanwhile Pearlie has her heating turned up as high as it will go and has a couple of electric heaters blasting away as well. When it gets so hot that her wee dog starts to pant she throws open the door of her moby to let a bit of air in. He laughs this off whilst telling me to put on more clothes. Picture me. I'm already happed up to Michelin Man proportions. I can hardly move my arms I've got so many woollies on. I'm actually wearing leg-warmers.
The room that Bert and Hannah sit reeking and smoking and watching telly/playing clarinet in is really warm but I can't sit there all night. How could I blog?
There is a downside to living in a bigger house. Roll on summer.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
The snowdrops are from our old abode where Clint currently squats. Well I say squatting but he has probably bought the kitchen and the utility room by now but not the snowdrop bit of the garden.
God he’s a wrecker. Our wonderful overgrown back lane, which was songbird heaven, is now as wide and trim as a dual carriageway. He has lopped all the hedges and says he will fell the beech trees. He doesn’t like leaves y’see. Says he likes trees in their place but that is not their place. I also got a Stag’s Horn Sumach (rhus typhina) and I’m for having the hellebores, as Clint wouldn’t know a hellebore from a cow clap.
First thing this morning Bert and I had business to do in Articlave. Afterwards we walked the dogs on Downhill beach. There are photos but none of Scruff because he was too busy chasing fulmars to get into photographs.
On the way home we stopped for a fry at the Sizzling Sausage and then Bert slept ‘til Cully. This afternoon Leitrim Sister, Zoë and Dave visited. Dave was in Log Man mode and spent his afternoon learning how to use a chainsaw while Dede, Zoë, Hannah and myself took Rosie, Paddy, Scruff, Macy, Gracie and Millie for a walk in Portglenone Forest.
HANNAH, MACY, GRACIE, PADDY, ROSIE, MILLIE & SCRUFF
When we returned I wormed my way into everyone’s affections by making piles of pancakes. And it worked.
BERT AND THE DOGS WERE REALLY TIRED AFTER ALL THAT
Thursday, February 16, 2006
On the morning of the day in question Sister Diabolical visited every class in the Junior school and asked us all to sign up for the Pioneers. We were to take the pledge to stay off alcohol until we were 21. She went round each girl in turn.
Ye’ll join the Pioneers, Brigid?
Oh I will Sister.
Ye’ll take the Oath, Mary Teresa?
Och aye Sister.
Ye’ll be a Pioneer, Catherine?
‘Deed I will Sister.
Ye’ll take the pledge ‘til ye’re 21, Assumpta?
Surely Sister I will.
You Nelly? Ye’ll join the Pioneers?
I will not Sister.
I was the only one in the the whole Junior year to refuse. I’d thought it through y’see and I’d every intention of falling to the drink the minute I was 18 and I had no intention of waiting an extra three years until 21.
Well the pledge might have been voluntary but the competition was not. That afternoon we were all ushered into the Assembly Hall and asked to write an essay on ‘Why I Should Join The Pioneer Total Abstinence Society.’
A couple of days later it was announced in front of the entire school that Nelly Moser had won first prize in the Pioneer Society essay competition. My prize was a shell necklace. Four years later, as planned, I fell to the drink.
P.S. Of course I'm really chuffed that some of you are canvassing for me for the Blog Awards. Even if I'm not short-listed I'll still hold that in my heart as a prize - like a shell necklace.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A couple of weeks ago my daughter Katy was made redundant from her marketing job. She told me tonight that tomorrow she starts volunteering in a day centre for adults with learning disabilities. I'm very proud of her for doing that. And I know she is going to be brilliant at it.
On Sunday Scruff, Rosie and I drove Hannah to work in Nixt! and afterwards we went for a walk in the Ecos Park. There are several swans living there and as we neared them I thought that Scruff might start on them and there'd be fur, blood and feathers everywhere. I wouldn't fancy his chances with a big Daddy swan. But I needn't have worried about it for Scruff didn't 'see' the swans. He trotted past them with his eyes averted. Then a few yards down the path he started a powerful narration of barking. There he was dancing around a hawthorn tree like an eedjit and barking his head off at a wee thrush that was paying him no mind at all.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Today was the first of the three consultation meetings that the Novas Group must hold before making us redundant.
After the meeting I took Matty to Ballyronan to visit her sister, who is in the nursing home there, and I couldn't bring myself to go in. I went for a walk instead. I cannot bear hospitals and nursing homes right now.
I'm depressed about yesterday's vote in parliament. Soon they'll be micro-chipping us as we emerge from our mother's wombs. For the good of our health obviously. Except it will be much more likely to be for the good of someone else's financial health.
I had a nasty turn earlier when Interflora delivered Jamie's floral 'token of love' to Hannah. The delivery person looked like a plain clothes cop and, because he barked "Does Hannah Moser live here. I have this for her..?" in such a stern way, I thought he was there to arrest her. Of course I only remembered later that the CID always travel in pairs.
And I've been feeling ever so guilty about calling Ganching 'Elsie' way back then when we were younguns. Did I ever tell youse that she once threw a tin of beans at me? Mind you I probably deserved it. Matty must have thought so too for Ganching didn't get into trouble for smashing the window. I ducked y'see.
Monday, February 13, 2006
I'm told that this meme originated from here.
- Place of Birth? Tesco’s Superstore, Antrim.
- Qualifications? 2:2 Social Admin & Policy, ECDL, First Aid, Driving Licence, handful of Os & As, 11+
- Without using the words boring or hate describe your role at ‘The Work’? I’m a support worker on paper, a dogsbody and bouncer in reality.
- Passion or strength within web development? A supportive role only.
- What do enjoy most about your job? Rarely boring.
- Non-relevant qualifications? All my qualifications are relevant to me
- Other interests? Blogging, walking, dogging (sorry I mean dogs) and eating.
- Your best selling point? Experience
- Famous person you admire and respect? The Queen for queenliness
- If you had one wish granted what would it be? As someone else has probably bagged world peace I’d quite like to be taller please. Maybe 5’6”?
- Favourite colour? Rainbow.
- Most embarrassing moment? Getting in a physical fight with another woman
- Jaffa Cake, biscuit or cake? Biscuit
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Our reason for travelling to the capital city of Norn Iron was to meet lots of sophisticated blogging people and Beowulf**. I was worried that I wouldn't recognise anyone even though I'd seen most of their photos. But how wrong could I be? The first person I spotted was Marc. No converse trainers but who could mistake that glowing complexion, those flowing locks and that very dressy moleskin coat. Then along came the very youthful looking Ed who was also instantly recognisable despite not wearing blue (it was beige if you must know). I forget what sort of trousers he was wearing but that is probably a good thing for a woman of my years and station shouldn't be looking at a man's trouser region. I don't actually remember anybody's trousers except Hannah's which kept falling down but only when she was walking about..*** Stephen was wearing a red weatherproof jacket and a tee-shirt which Marc rather unkindly sneered at but nobody minded except Stephen who is a sensitive boy with dark Byronic looks and a dimple. Marc sneered a lot but he does it in such a jolly way and he is so shiny and clean that no one minds a bit.
I cannot tell you what Carrie looked like as it is a secret. But she is a very nice woman and not a bit scary like I thought she'd be****
To sum up - a very enjoyable and interesting afternoon. And thanks to Carrie for the tea and to Marc for the lift home.
*This is a lie
**That's you sorted for the chin photo
*** That's actually true.
****Little old lady indeed!
Here are a round dozen Nellypix and as you will see there are also 12 Nellychins. Had Beowulf taken these pictures there would be 24-30 chins being sported. The secret of dealing with the multichinned is to shoot* from above.
*Shoot with a camera that is.
I've been instructed to update pronto by Ganching so here goes. Obviously I cannot get to what she really wants to hear about, the meeting of great minds that took place in Belfast on Saturday afternoon, without first writing about the rather more homespun affair that was Pearlie's 80th birthday party.
First a little background. To meet with the Great Intellects on Saturday I had to rejig my Spide City hours a little. Added to this I had extra shifts to do as Ursa Minor is swanning about Italy with her big blond polisman. As if extra hours weren't enough I had a bit of a tough call in the early hours of Friday with a serious Spide invasion and lost a bit of sleep. These new security cameras are the best laugh for I was able to amuse my colleagues the next day with the CCTV footage of Nelly in full folded-arm targe mode showing the skitters the door. So by the time I got home on Friday evening I was pretty tired. And me with four loaves of sandwiches to make. But never mind. A nice glass of wine soon revives the flagging spirits. The picture above shows the difference a few glasses of wine can make to the presentation of a nice neat sandwich.
Pearlie did wear her Happy 80th Birthday badge and despite the customary grim face in most of the photos she definitely had a fantastic night. It was her first birthday party ever but I think it is going to have to be an annual event now that she's realised what fun parties are. One thing she'd requested as well as useful presents and Bacardi Breezers was live music so we gathered up this seedy looking pair who for one nightonly were called the Happy Birthday Baldy Boys String Band.
She looks bloody scarey with that knife.
Happy Birthday Pearlie Blue!
Thanks to the Banjos for music and cake. Thanks also to Margaret for being a loving and attentive niece and Hannah for cleaning the house and buying Pearlie a much needed new apron. Thanks to John for music and Ploppy Pants, Swisser and Clint. And thanks to me for fairy cakes and sandwiches both sober & drunk.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Oh yes - there will also be Bacardi Breezers, bluegrass and other distractions at the tea party.
Expect alcohol-influenced postage later. This posting is just a sleep-deprived one.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Bliss and his commenters have some interesting views on this. Sum it up in a nutshell - lie down Sir Mick, we're sick of your prancing. Haven't you got enough money by now?
But not me. I wouldn't know the Arctic Monkeys if they strolled into my kitchen and started stealing my buns. I gave up drugs, oh, ages ago. And I'd rather be at home baking or blogging than going out clubbing or whatever.
I am hosting a mad party on Friday evening though. Pearlie is going to be 80 so I've been baking tonight. Later I will make a nice cup of tea, have a wee listen to Daniel, a read of the Woman's Weekly and then off to bed after first popping my teeth in a Steradent solution.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
This picture also shows an incidence of 'extraordinary breastfeeding'. You will note that Bert is 'nursing' Harry de Cat.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Clint's a close neighbour now, seeing as he's living (squatting) in our old house, so we see a lot more of him.
Tonight finds him in middling form. He's happy and he's sad. He's also a little bit mad.
He's happy that he's been offered a squillion quid for his house. Bring it on Clint baby. I want my house finished and a new computer.
He's very sad about the interest he's having to pay on the big loan he needed for us to pay off the builder.
He's mad at his occasional employer Ballybuggery Eggs.
"One cracked egg and it was a whole moaning session. Thon other boy was carrying buckets of smashed eggs off his lorry and not a word said to him! I mine when I was drivin' for the milk boys and I jacked and had gallons, rivers of full cream milk flowing down the Newtownards Road way boys skiddin' through it and the polis wadin' through it and there wasn't a quarter the fuss made back at the plant!"
He can't wait until it's all done and dusted and he has his beehives, his chickens and his nine bean rows.
Find scunging devil dogs Paddy and Rosie. Paddy, who pretends to be stupid, has figured out how to open the smoking room doors and he and his cohort, the bitcher, have run off to hunt rabbits.
Phone the mayor about the continued closure of the Riverside Walk. Cullybackey is such a law-abiding place that the only act of vandalism perpetrated on the barrier has been the firing of the polystyrene sign informing us that we don't get to walk until May 2006. Why has this barrier not been wrenched apart and thrown in the river?
Plan a party menu for Pearlies 80th birthday this coming Friday. The cake must be shop bought as that synthetic taste is very much to Pearlie's taste. Nothing wholesome or Nigellaish would please her.
Buy washing powder and brillo pads.
Let everyone know that Nelly's Garden has been longlisted for an Irish blog award in the personal blog category.
Let everyone know that Ganching has been longlisted too.
Deny that the Ganching-Mosers are related to (or have had relations with) anyone involved with the aforementioned Irish Blog Awards.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
I have already reported that sister Tricia and her husband Brendan, the two lucky buggers, are off on a long holiday in Thailand. Meanwhile their dog Scruff is being boarded at our house and Zoë has charge of their bitcher Macy. To tell you the truth we’re enjoying their dogs so much we’ll be reluctant to part when the time comes.
I hear that Tricia and Brendan are having a fabulous time but by the tone of the odd email and blog comment it would seem that Tricia is missing her pets.
As it was with Bert and myself when we went to the States with Clint a few years back The Banjos were looking after Danny* and Rosie so we knew they were safe and well but three weeks is a long time to be parted from beloved dogs.
Ian met us at the airport when we returned and our first stop was to the Banjo house to pick up Danny and Rosie. Pleased to see us? You bet. They never even gave Marty or Jazzer a backward glance so ecstatic were they to see Nellybert back.
Meanwhile, back waiting in the van, Clint had this to say to Ian,
I niver heared as much talk about doags in all my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a doag as much as the next boy but I wudn’t have one sitting on my knee, nor licking round my face or in the bed way me. And I wudn’t be talkin’ about doags the whole day long. But each and ivry day way them pair it was Danny this, Rosie that, and I wonder what Danny’s doing now. Doags, doags, doags – they niver shut up about them oul doags.
So I know what you’re going through Tricia. The holiday would be perfect if the dogs were there too. But Scruff and Macy would hate those rabies-ridden Thai dogs. They’re far happier here on the oul sod with us. However I’m already preparing myself for Scruff leaving us without as much as the backward glance.
*This was in pre-Paddy days when the late-lamented Danny was still alive.
So the other night,
"Are you Protestant, Catholic, Other or None? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"Ah'm a Pradistant. And a good wan at that."
Time of Delivery: Outside normal working hours but hey, who cares about that? Not my employers for sure.
Method of Delivery: Via two wind-up merchants formally employed by the Police Service of Northern Ireland.
Delivery Details: Two hopping mad 16 year olds wrenched from the embrace of their very unsuitable gentlemen friends and into the supportive care of yours truly.
Thanks a lot. Thanks to the Police Service of Norn Iron, for winding them up all the way from the Bann Mouth to Spide City so that by the time they reached the supportive care of etc. etc. they were fit to be tied. And thanks for pissing off real sharpish leaving me with the two termagants from hell.
Redundancy? I'm not sure I care any more.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
|You Are 16% Abnormal|
You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Scruff has reminded us that Mark's is not the only birthday at the moment. He urges all at Nelly's to wish Brendan (currently travelling in Asia) a happy forty something birthday. Scruff also says he likes it in Cully especially since his beloved Bert got the new stove installed.
Ten views I hold without evidence
- Christmas is a global disgrace and ought to be abolished.
- People who eat dogs are uncivilised.
- Certain kinds of ‘music’ are vile and the people who listen to said ‘music’ have a serious want in them.
- Most politicians are self-serving bastards. It’s why they become politicians. Despite this having elected representatives is a Good Thing.
- The bible is not the word of God. It is a man-made construct. Ditto all the other holy books.
- The cult of celebrity is not new. It exists to distract us from the important stuff. Other than that it is harmless as long as we keep a weather eye on the important stuff.
- People are getting stupider.
- Men and women have more in common than not.
- Segregated education is wrong and has exacerbated the divisions in Northern Ireland society. The Catholic church has perpetrated this wrong for decades.
- Prayer helps.