Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The 2011 Boxing Day Disaster

It has taken me a while to be able to share this story. I must warn you in advance that it is a very sad story and that you will probably cry. This is the story of Nelly's Boxing Day Dinner Disaster.

My day began at 6am Why so early? I wanted to get a handle on my day and a start made on my enormous 22 pound Black Norfolk Turkey, a gift from Clint.

By 10:30am the turkey was thoroughly cooked, in fact it was a tad over-cooked. I was a little dismayed but Bert said, never to worry, sliced in gravy, nobody would notice a thing. Still I was embarrassed to see it sitting there all black skin and singed legs so I got Bert to slice it up and I tucked it away out of sight.

All was under control – desserts ready, most vegetables prepped, a nice pork roast sizzling away in the slow cooker. I just had some stuffing to prepare. At 2pm the pork was succulent and only needed a quick blast in the oven to make the crackling. This was a method I was quite confident about as I'd cooked pork in the slow cooker at least a dozen times.

I put the oven on to high and left it for thirty minutes. To tell the truth I got involved with other tasks. Suddenly I remembered I needed to put the pork in for a blast of heat so transferred it to a roasting tin. Over to the oven, door open....

Oh dear God! There were my turkey slices, burned, dried out, totally fucked. I was so distraught I dropped the pork whereupon it fell on the floor and disintegrated. See! I said you would cry. I certainly did.

What Happened Next?

I saw Bert coming across the yard carrying a bucket of logs. I ran to the door. I sobbed,

Bert! Come in! Something terrible has happened!

He took one look at my anguished face, dropped the logs and ran in. I believe he thought I had discovered his mother lying dead. Little did he know it was far worse than that.

Then What Happened?

I had hysterics.

Then What Happened?

I stopped crying and went to collect Hannah and her friends. On the way in I started howling again thinking of that noble turkey who had lived and died in vain. I gathered up my guests who. I believe, were rather apprehensive about their evening's entertainment.

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch

Zoe and family arrived and measures were discussed as to how dinner could be salvaged. With the help of my lovely guests we saved the day. There was enough meat underneath the burned turkey and above the splattered pork to feed us all. Second helpings were in short supply but thankfully there were lots of desserts.

Last Year's Boxing Day Dinner

I seem to remember that there was also some sort of disaster at the 2010 Boxing Day dinner. I don't recall what it was about but it culminated in me running out and sobbing in the polytunnel and when I allowed myself to be persuaded back into the house the guests had eaten all the food. Ah well. I dare say it served me right for being such an hysterical bitch.

Next Year's Boxing Day Dinner

If God spares us things will be very different in 2012. There will be no more trying to serve two kinds of potatoes, three kinds of vegetables, stuffing, turkey and other festive meats to a party of a dozen or more, all at the same time and without a warming oven or enough chairs. Next year I'm going to go for a Polish-Irish feast. There will be thirteen dishes, desserts, casseroles, fishy things, pickled cabbage, mixed vegetables, turkey, pork, soup, flans, salads etc. Many of these dishes will have been prepared in advance. There will be a stack of napkins, plates and cutlery. There will be glasses and at least three bottles of vodka. There will be crackers. Because this year I forgot to put the bloody crackers out. Ah well. Next year.


Grannymar said...

You couldn't make it up! Now you are way ahead with the preparations for next Boxing Day - that is if you kept the crackers! ;)

Hope 2012 is a good one for all in Nellyberts.

Nelly said...

Thank you Grannymar! It has taken me until now to get over the trauma of it all. And it's just as well I didn't put the crackers out for I bought children's ones to please Miss Martha. We got them out on New Year's Eve and the paper hats were so teeny they'd only fit a baby!

El Capitan said...

Why tempt fate? Find a nice Chinese place and order takeout...

Nelly said...

You have a point El Capitan but, sadly, Irish Chinese is probably not as good as Texan Chinese.

Hails said...

You were right, I did cry. Thanks, Nelly, I needed that laugh! :) Very funny post.

Anonymous said...

I can see why you cried - on the other hand, as told, it has a certain Lucille Ball feel to it.

Used to kitchen catastrophes myself, I try to maintain a favorable ration of wine to vittles!

I also carry a timer all round the house when I'm cooking anything. I have the memory capacity of a tit-mouse.

Happy 2012 to you all -may the only tears that fall be of Happiness.


Nelly said...

Thank you Anne. I cried but now I laugh at it. Even at the time I knew I'd find it funny - eventually.

Brighid said...

Finally, I meet another who cooks like I do. But I gave up the crying part years ago, now it's all funny. Because it's always something, but what?

Nelly said...

I will leave the crying part behind too. Spilt milk, roast pork, burned turkey. Psshah!