Vinegar and Brown Paper

If blogging has been slow recently it is because I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I have been thinking about Auntie Fungus and her organisation and storage issues.

I have been thinking about Scrabulous.

And I have been thinking about Nellybert's deplorable record of guests sustaining head injuries at house parties.

I mean, when we last partied way back in May 2007, Glen split his head open. And most recently, on NYE, The Wee Manny turned our turn-of-the-year celebration into a blood'n'gore fest. Howard (from Kent, a right Southern Softie) is still traumatised by the experience of that dreadful night. We were actually only getting rid of the last traces of shreds of Wee Manny scalp today.

Of course The Wee Manny himself is quite unperturbed by the incident. He was in jocular mood when he phoned the next day enquiring as to the whereabouts of his boots. For he'd left in his stocking soles the morning after the night before. Such fripperies as boots and bandages mean little to that tough dude. I'm told, remember I retired early that night, that The Wee was having none of any First Aider nonsense and kept ripping his bandages off.

Nevertheless, it's worrying, this spate of ruptured pates and I said as much to Bert and William and Rebecca this very afternoon.

What can we do about people breaking their crowns at Nellybert's?

Lay on copious amounts of vinegar and brown paper?

No. Be serious.

A padded room for such as the Wee Manny?

Sounds expensive and it wouldn't keep him from wandering off in a state and gouging holes in his head on the nearest spike.

Yay! That's the front of my head done. Now for the back!

Perhaps a strait jacket would prevent him from harming himself?

How would he drink?

An alcohol drip on a wheeled stand?

Cumbersome. What about those helmets self-harmers wear in special needs hospitals?

Just the job. Leaving hands free for raising glasses and preventing those nasty head injuries.

Right! So safety helmets to be mandatory at any Nellybert soiree from now on.

Not for everyone though. Only for our more vulnerable guests.

Now where do we get our hands on half a dozen or so safety helmets and, while we're at it, anyone know where we can source a couple of saddleback gilts and a miniature donkey?