Full House

This weekend we had eight guests plus ourselves but as the Hotel Nellybert can comfortably accommodate eleven this wasn’t a problem.

Room 1 (Bert’s room) Nellybert
Room 2 (The room with the huge bed) Mr & Mrs Banjo
Room 3 (The haunted room) Bert’s old friend, Christophe
Room 4 (Nelly’s room) Hannah & the three young Banjos, Paddy, Rosie & Harry de Cat
Room 5 (The attic) John the Lodger

Non-resident guests included Ploppy Pants, Jenny Wren, Swisser and Pedro.

The evening function went well. Nelly the Head Chef performed admirably despite some initial worries over the apple cinnamon sponge. Her cheese & spinach pie was deemed a triumph. Commis Chef Jazzer exceeded her oven privileges and it was also noted that there was some unnecessary wastage of yellow peppers in the vegetable prep room. Trainee Commis Chef Miss Banjo introduced some innovative onion chopping techniques and was heaped with praise.

Head Housekeeper Nelly and Chambermaid Jazzer completed the preparation of bedrooms whilst Chambermaid Ben valiantly threw all the spare duvets down the attic stairs.

The house band played enthusiastically for several hours to the delight of all present, only descending into drunkenness and debauchery after the younger guests had retired for the night. I’m sad to report that Manager Bert joined the band in their antics and was not feeling his best at breakfast time.

Beauty Therapist Miss Banjo and her assistant Erin gave several of the gentlemen, including Christophe, Ploppy Pants and Ben Banjo, makeovers - these involving tinting their hair and (in Ploppy’s Case) beards chestnut brown and finishing Nelly’s last canister of extremely expensive tinted mousse. Bert would not consent to tinting but did submit to bobbles once again.

There was an unfortunate incident when young Ben Banjo got hold of a bayonet (circa 1877) and started waving it around in a foolhardy manner but Head of Security Pedro decommissioned the weapon by placing it on top of the highest kitchen cupboard. Pedro had to take action again when he confiscated a catapult from Bert after the unfortunate incident when Nelly was hit on the cheek by a missile (foam rubber yet unpleasantly stingy) and where Bert also smashed a wine glass in his careless excitement at having scored a bull’s-eye against his better half. However Pedro took no action when Ben ran around wearing his sister’s turquoise thong. This was excused on the grounds of Ben’s youthful high spirits.

Despite some initial worries that his rest would be disturbed by 'The Ghost of Uncle Andy' Chris spent a restful night. Mr and Mrs Banjo enjoyed the comfort of the Huge Bed so much that they did not leave it until well past midday. The younger guests made no complaint that two dogs and Harry de Cat invaded their room. John the Lodger also found his apartments to his liking and stayed in them until afternoon. All guests helped themselves to breakfast and spent a pleasant morning/afternoon perusing the papers and discussing politics.

The Visitor's Book

As I cannot be arsed to think up a new post I have decided to post some seasonal extracts from the pages of Nellybert’s Visitor’s Book.

…. We arrived on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately (once again) Bert went to the wrong airport. How was I supposed to know that Belfast City is the one in Belfast? Anyway Ma should have done her research properly. Everybody knows that flights from Norfolk come into the wee airport…

…. It wasn’t too awful a visit. As usual there were way too many scary aunts around. I just hid behind piles of cushions and dogs. Nelly gave me a very strange present….

…. The night I stayed there were so many people there I only got a sofa. It was my birthday too! That panelling in Nelly’s shower room is fabuloso. My projectile vomiting wiped off a treat…

…. If I weren’t an animal-loving vegetarian I’d shoot that fucking cat. Pissed all over me just as I was getting off to sleep….

…I toddled over for the New Year’s Eve party and had just the one drink. Nelly said it was a triple brandy or something like that. Very nice. But you should have seen those young ones. Bottle after bottle of stuff they were drinking. I never seen anything like it. Mind you I would have liked to try that red stuff the weans were at. Hardy Breezer they said it was called. Nelly had that oul camera out. She knows I hate getting my picture took….

…Nelly and me made pizza and salads then I played a game were all the dogs were sharks. They needed new shark names so Rosie was Peter, Scruff was Trevor and Paddy was Paul. Mammy had to chase me all round the house to try and get me to go to bed at half-twelve. Nelly tried to help her but Mammy dunted her out of the road…

…Nelly and me went for a walk and talked about life and stuff and I was telling her all about being a first-year at Slemish and about all my teachers and friends and stuff. Nelly started girning later about how we all get crumbs in the butter and spread it all over the surfaces. She kept getting me to make her coffee.

NB: Other visitors included Zoe, Dave, Jean, Jonny, Tricia, Brendan, Sadie, Naoise, Mel, PP, Jenny, Marty, Jazzer, Barbara, Martina, Ian, Lee, Martina, Caoimhe, Penny, Scruff, Macy and last, but not least, Gracie.