Unmentionables and Puritans

At least once a month Swisser tells me that she never reads my blog because,

• She would never have the time.
• Anyway she can’t find it.
• She spends all day looking at a computer screen and has far better things to do in her free time
• The university has it blocked because it’s probably full of filth

He Who Cannot Be Named doesn’t read it either but it seems some of his acquaintances do and they aren’t on speakers with him because of the filth they came across in Nelly’s Garden. All I can say is that those who are that easily shocked shouldn’t ride on the internet unless using extreme caution.

I myself am a discerning and careful user of the internet. I do not believe people who say that they were just innocently surfing away and the next thing they found themselves looking at some hideous pr0n. Not these days mister. If you want to see that sort of stuff you have to hoke around for it. Mind you, sometimes people might be on the hunt for the fetishistic stuff and find themselves somewhere innocent and flowery like my Garden. Generally it’s the few mentions I’ve made of Cherub knickers that brings those particular gentlemen here. That, and the folks who are interested in fun-loving older women. Once again, you’re at the wrong door Granny-lovers. You’ll have to wait until September before I qualify and even then the sort of fun I’ll be having won’t be for you. Bangor Boats or Pooh Sticks anyone?

We Approve

We're not huge fans of Mariah Carey here at Nelly's Garden but we do applaud her sensible undergarments which are just as roomy and comfortable as the ones favoured by yours truly. Mariah wore these at a show in Miami recently. It does get very muggy in Miami but even so, I think I'd have put on a little cotton frock if I'd been Mariah. But that's those crazy show biz folk for you. Normal rules just don't apply.

I think Mariah's knickers might be Cherubs. They also come in bottle green and navy blue.

Knickers To That!

I read recently that all the truly fashionable people shop in Primark now. It's all about mixing your designer pieces with the cheap and cheerful. Dressing head to toe in designer labels like Mrs Beckham is now just as over as her pop career.

So even though I'm not a fashionista I thought to myself, I'll have a bit of that, and headed off to Dunnes. Well there is no Primark in Antrim. Which is where I was when this urge for new garments hit me.

I ignored the underwear section as I am very particular about my underwear. I like it to be big and I like it to be firm and I like it to be well put together - the same as how I like my men really. Dunnes underwear being cheap and cheery (and scratchy and uncomfortable) obviously does not meet my high standards.

Now the other night I was watching that Makosi one on Big Brother. That girl has some backside. Nobody could accuse her trousers of looking like her arse had fainted. But her knickers, they were definitely in a twist. They appeared to be some sort of pink thong that had been kneaded and shredded between her ample cheeks. She looked very uncomfortable indeed.

When I was a girl we got our comfortable and cosy Cherub knickers in Woolworths. Cherubs came up to your waist and cuddled the top of your thighs. They had a double gusset. They fulfilled the function of knickers as laid down by our mothers and grandmothers. They were modest and they kept our kidneys warm. Now I see these sort of knickers feature in some rather dubious websites I once stumbled upon. But unlike the pure white and boilable knickers we favoured these were in navy and bottle green. Very strange.

The rot set in with the coming of mini skirts. Big sensible knickers didn't sit well with shorter skirts and something called briefs was introduced. By today's standards these were anything but brief but back in the sixties we thought they were pretty daring. Nowadays the brevity and scantiness of underwear is shocking and what passes for knickers would do nothing to mind a girl's modesty or warm her kidneys. Maybe it's because of central heating and/or global warming but if the scientist's gloomy predictions for these islands should come to pass then girls will be back in Cherubs by the middle of this century and thongs will just be an unpleasant memory - or not depending on individual taste.

But I'm away off on one again. What did I buy in Dunnes? Well I bought Bert two tee shirts that go by the unfortunate and hopefully not prophetic name of wife beaters and I bought myself very many tee shirts and two pairs of those three-quarter length summer trousers that show off a neatly turned ankle (of which I possess two) and guess what? When I tried the trousers on at home they were nearly full-length. Rats! I hate being short.