Icons of Cool

Recently the Swearing Lady said she was experiencing a crisis of cool. So when I accidentally stumbled upon the NME Cool List 2006 I couldn’t resist giving myself a little test. Out of 50 icons of cool, as decided by NME readers, I found that I only recognised 14 names. And one of those was Keith Richard. Even then there was a few of those whose faces I couldn’t bring to mind. For instance if I were to come home some day and there was Bobby Gillespie sitting on the sofa I wouldn’t know him from Adam. But if we were introduced I’d be able to say, “Oh yes. I know you. You shifted Kate Moss and you’re in some band aren’t you? Name escapes me right now.”

And if I were to come home and there was Liam Gallagher sitting there chatting away to Bert I’d know who he was alright. Only thing is I’d probably get mixed up and call him Noel and then he’d throw a strop and break something.

Then if I were to return home and found Devendra Banhart was sitting cross legged on the coffee table, reeking of patchouli, I’d have to call Bert out into the kitchen and ask, “What’s with Mr Hairy Hippie then?” and he’d go, “That’s Devendra Banhart,” and I’d go “Oh yeah! We saw him on Jools didn’t we?”

On Growing Older

That photo of dear old Danny and myself must be well over a decade old from when I was in my mid-thirties or thereabouts. Now I’m in my (very) early fifties and often find myself pondering my impending old age. So how happy I was to discover this quiz, which I copied from Lawyer Guy. Apparently I act 27, so perhaps I'm not so middle-aged after all. I think it was the White Stripes that cut it for me.

But I still have to decide what kind of ould doll that I want to be. These are some of the possibilities that occur to me.

Momma Bear – eternal mother figure. Provider of hot meals, clean laundry, baby sitting services, soothing cups of tea, ample bosom and a comfy lap. Momma loves her family, her grandchildren, cooking, cleaning, chatting and baby-sitting. Her heroes are her children and Princess Diana.

Old Biddy – umbrella waving, shopping trolley pulling, queue jumping, moaning Minnie who smells of damp tweed and pee. Old Biddy loves going to the doctor, shopping, complaining, ancient tweed coats, woolly hats and mangy cats. Her heroine is Margaret Thatcher.

Old Hippy – flowing skirts, beaded and scarfed, home grown herbs, dope smoking, sandal wearing, earth mother and anti blood sports green. Old Hippy loves gardening, candle making, arts and crafts, world music, joss sticks, tarot cards, eclectic furnishings, patchwork, mongrel dogs and Glastonbury. Her hero is The Goddess. And she grieved for weeks over John Peel.

Glamorous Granny – designer clothes, stilettos, botoxed, face lifted, wig wearing, Rigby & Pellered, perfumed. GG loves lying about her age, jewellery, expensive presents, other women’s envy and younger men. She admires Catherine Deneuve and Liz Hurley.

Good Old Girl – short skirts, leather trousers, too much make up, lots of cleavage, frightens young men. Good Old Girl loves dirty talk, cigarettes, alcohol, parties, Bingo and sex. She looks up to Barbara Windsor and fancies George Clooney.

I definitely don’t want to be an Old Biddy and I’m far too lazy and poor to be a Glamorous Granny so it will have to be elements of the other three. It’ll be a toucher deciding, that’s for sure.