Digger Dogger

We lost a good pack leader when Danny died last year. Rosie, the fat bitcher, has become the dominant dog, and in my opinion is making a poor fist of it. She and Paddy sneak away at every opportunity and by the cut of them when they return I reckon they go to the digging grounds after rats, rabbits and maybe foxes or badgers. When they are in that digging zone they hear no human call and all a human hears is an excited 'yip, yip' in the far distance.

So what are we to do? We're used to dogs trotting around the yard after us. This is a recent phenomenon - maybe two months or so - and they are so sleekit. One moment they're here the next they're gone and often don't return for 6-8 hours.

We are really worried about them as they could get shot. It's lambing season now and Johnny Farmer doesn't like dogs on his land. The truth is that unless sheep take to living in burrows they'll hold no interest for the digger dogs. Any person steeped in country ways or even with a bit of common sense got any suggestions?

When Dogs Were Good

There's No Fool...

…. like an Old Fool. The less said about Saturday night the better. All I will say is that I thought I was old enough to know better. That and the title explains all. Now I’m saying no more on the matter.

Yesterday I took Matty and the First Sister to the Gourmet Farmer’s Market in Templepatrick. It was a first-time visit for all of us and we liked it, so thanks Z, for telling us about it. Matty bought a very pretty Sylvac vase for a tenner, which pleased her greatly. I bought squashes and fruit and very yummy savoury breads. The First Sister bought a lime- green pressed apple juice which looked like it could lead her to a severe dose of the skitter. (You can take potty-mouth to the gourmet market but you can’t make her talk nice.)

Today I am cleaning the house in preparation for the valuer’s visit this afternoon. I haven’t much time so have resorted to lots of sluttish shortcuts. For instance all the toilet lids down saves cleaning them and I’m only washing the bits of the floor that show. I do feel guilty about it and can feel the spectral presence of Aggie and Kim breathing down my neck.

Taken To Drink

...which is what Nelly is up to this afternoon. Clean living gets to you after a while. The green butter dumplings are stewing away and we're off to the Wee Manny's tonight to discuss real estate deals. No better time to get totally stoned. At least we'll all be on the same wavelength.

Yer Ma's Yer Da!

Last weekend wasn’t just about teasing Nelly for her pathetic mothering skills. We also had a good laugh and one of the things that amused us was talking about this post from Ed, which I had of course committed to memory. With every new point that was made the cry went up ‘Yer ma!” KaBo said she'd heard this at school “Yer ma’s yer da!” A while back Zoë linked to this Spide Generator on her blog. If you want a cheap laugh why don’t you give it a go?

When Bad Hair Happens To Good People

There was a bit of reminiscing at the Bo reunion last weekend. As is traditional this mostly took the form of stories about my careless style of parenting. I actually asked ZoBo if she remembered any nice stories about me but she said she didn’t – they were all awful. The picture I’ve posted of the littlest Bo was taken about 17 years ago and this is how it happened.

We were at the Wee Manny’s house and some alcoholic drink had been taken. The Wee and Mrs Wee both wore their hair short and cut each other’s. A discussion arose as to which of them was the better stylist. Both agreed that the Wee was the better of the two. At that point I mentioned that little HanBo needed her hair trimmed. Would you let a half-cut man trim/hack your precious child’s hair? I think not.

Small Banana

Clint Has Left The Room

The first person that I knew with Internet access at home was Bert’s oldest friend Clint. All we knew of the Internet in those days was that there was a vast amount of information and access to free porn. Oh yes … and chat rooms. So for a while Clint was the Internet expert. When he first used a search engine he typed the word ‘potato’ and was so excited by the results that he surfed the web for four hours steady. By the end of the week there wasn’t anyone else in Kells who knew more about spuds than Clint. So this night Bert went over to visit him and to view this new-fangled surfing the web. Clint showed him how to log on to the Internet and look at the huge amount of information on potatoes that was there for the asking. Bert marvelled at all this. Then he asked –

“D’jever luck at the porn Clint?”

“I wudnae waste ma time. Sure I’ve plenty o’ vidyos.”

“What about the chat rooms?”

“D’ye wantae see the chat rooms?”

“Aye. I wudn’t mine seein’ them.”

So with that Clint started tapping away at the keyboard. He found a chat room and logged on. Within a moment Debby was requesting Clint join her in a private room. He, shocked, hit the back button, logged off, switched off the computer and pulled out the plugs at the socket. “That’s enough o’ that nonsense. D’ja want tay?”

Favourite Place To Be In Norn Iron

This comes from Stephen who says “In the spirit of Fridays everywhere I would like to start a meme, a Northern Ireland meme. The deal is this, post a photo of a place your favourite place to be in this part of the Emerald Isle, it can be anywhere.”

As I hardly ever get out I have posted the view from my front door. If you squint carefully you will see Slemish mountain.

Front Door Early Morning

For Men Only

I’m seeing, hearing and reading everywhere that men also have a hormonal cycle and suffer a male menopause. It appears that transformation from Lover Boy to Grumpy Old Git could be caused by a fall in testosterone levels. I got wondering why it is that you don’t hear a word about the male menopause for ages then suddenly it’s everywhere! Are the drug companies at their work again?

With increasing years the level of testosterone in the body gradually declines. In the middle years many men experience tiredness, loss of libido, poor erections, loss of muscle mass, mood swings and irritability. Some believe that these symptoms are a result of lower testosterone hormone levels and that giving men replacement testosterone therapy helps to overcome these symptoms. Link

I’m not saying there’s no such thing as the male menopause because I know a lot of Grumpy Old Gits and I’ve started to notice that some of our younger male friends are partying less and moaning more. I thought I’d devise this simple little questionnaire to help you measure your hormonal age*

Choose one statement from each part that most closely resembles your current situation.

Strength & Vitality

You push furniture around a room with your head. (2)

You can push furniture around a room with your head but only when you’re drunk and if you haven’t anything better to do. (18)

The only time you push furniture around a room with your head is when you’re receiving a jolly good seeing to. (25)

Sexual Orientation

You only love your Mammy (3)

You don’t like girls. (7)

Girls don’t like you (11)

Girls like you (16)

You like boys (21)

Sleep Patterns

You like a nap in the afternoon. You’re cranky at bedtime and up with the lark. (3)

You are a creature of the night. (17)

You’re up all night (21)

You like the odd early night and late morning (25)

You’re up at the toilet all night and you nap all day. (79)

Would Be Rude Not To

You could entertain yourself for hours. (14)

You entertain each other all the time (23)

You entertain each other fairly often (34)

You entertain each other once in a while (45)

Mood

You are a proper Sunny Jim (1)

You gripe a bit at bedtime (6)

Schooldays were the happiest… (14)

First love is the sweetest…(16)

…After the hurly burly (30)

Someone’s parked outside our house! (35)

My name is Victor Meldrew (65)

Total your scores and divide by five. The resulting number corresponds to your hormonal age**. For further information consult your GP who will likely tell you to go and boil your head. Not that I’d agree with that point of view as I really like the idea of a male menopause. It’s companionable.

*The questionnaire is only valid for male use. If females do it they may get skewed results. For example my own hormonal age was 49!

**The questionnaire is bogus.

Three Youngbos

Three Bos

Five Bos

Five Go Wild In Norfolk

Zoë and I returned from Norfolk this afternoon. It was a wonderful few days, which I totally enjoyed. When kids grow up and leave home reunions can be rare and that makes them even more precious. And to top the lot with dream topping my ex Mick, their dad, was there too. The last time I saw Mick was in Amsterdam nearly two years go on the occasion of Hannah’s 21^st birthday. But that was all quite frantic. This was much more relaxing.

When Katkin moved from Manchester she got Bert to help her with the move so he’s been to Norfolk before but it was my first visit. I liked it very much. It’s obviously a lot flatter than Norn Iron but is unspoilt. There are miles and miles without houses then when they come they are sympathetically built either of flint or red brick and fit in with the landscape. For anyone who’s not familiar with Norn Iron it looks like a giant got a great big bag of assorted houses (heavy on the tasteless ones) and scattered them over the landscape. Bert said it’s because we had no natural building materials apart from fieldstones so we built houses from ‘any ould shite we could get’.

So to get back to Norfolk it’s got pleasant countryside, sweet villages and friendly people. And it’s freezing. Next time I come during the summer.

The best bit was being with my girls and meeting Katy’s lovely other family and seeing Mick and Linda. The second best bit was finding a copy of Tristram Shandy* in Burnham Market and thrashing everyone at Millionaire.

*I’ve been looking for this for ages now. Since it was serialised on Radio 4 recently it’s been selling out of second hand bookshops everywhere.

Shopping for Handbags

...which proves I've got a girly side. Today I bought a rubber handbag (kinky, I shall keep rude things in it) and a purple suede one. Boys-a-dear that TK Maxx is a powerful tempting place. I only went in to look at the handbags for the rubber one was not enough for a greedy bag addict. You should have seen what I came out with. Actually if you are related to me and plan to be in Norfolk this weekend, you will.

Lemon Jelly

I was listening to this yesterday and it's given me an idea for a post that might persuade some of my more reticent readers to comment.

How many of these places you been then? How many have you got a connection with? Such as knew somebody from there, parents came from etc. etc. Don't tell porkies. You know it's not big and it's not clever. (I do love a cliche)

You've been on the go ever since you were born and I imagine few people in the world today have travelled as much as you have. Now why?

Well I dunno.
I suppose some of us are cave dwellers, some of us live in houses, some of us like to be loose footed.
I'm a ramblin' man.

I'm a ramblin' man.

Paris, Tibet, Sydney, Naxos
Rangoon, Rotterdam, Runcton, The Cayman Islands
Malawi, Mauritius, Haight-Ashbury, Patagonia
Kingston, Kentish Town, Codrington, Koh Samui
Felixstowe, Fingrinhoe, Valmorel, The North Pole
Brixton, Antwerp, Gujarat, Prawle
Uganda, Shennington, Sudbury, Sri Lanka
Ecuador, Edinburgh, Stockholm, Abu Dhabi
Lexington, Lindos, Tokyo, Harlem
Ipanema, Nicosia, Granada, San Jose
Damascus, Mandalay, San Francisco, Atlanta
Adelaide, Angmering, Arumpo, Amsterdam
New York, Kabul, Rwanda, Kyoto
Manchester, Prague, Mendhurst, Toronto
Madrid, Melbourne, Dublin, Dakar
Boston, Oslo, Tooting, Belfast
Botswana, Tonga, Rayburn

I'm a ramblin' man

And you're going to keep on rambling?

Oh yes, hehe, I have to.

And It Scared Me

That picture Fang was so scarey it scared me too. Which is the reason why I am posting this cute photograph of Paddy and Rosie interviewing a new friend. It was taken yesterday morning.

The fellows meet a new chum

Fang