Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Trinny, Susannah, Swisser and Bert
Not very many people knew (until now) that Bert is very keen on the makeover programme What Not To Wear. He is particularly keen on Trinny. Apart from the lissom Trinny other reasons he enjoys the programme are - plentiful opportunities to see ordinary ladies in their underwear and he does love watching Susannah poke and prod at her victim’s bouncy bits. And then his eyes moisten when, at the end of the programme, the victims appear made over, radiant and as beautiful as they can be.
Since Bert has become a What Not To Wear devotee his fashion sense has heightened considerably and I have been advised to bin a couple of items of cherished clothing. Mind you the clothes that I binned were bad. Really, really bad. Think poor Norfolk pig-farmer bad, think bag-lady wouldn’t be seen dead in bad, think not even fit for lining the dog basket bad.
Now everyone is getting into the act. I bought two new tops yesterday one of which I was going to wear to a party later on that evening. I tried on the red flowery one. Swisser said, “No. Absolutely not.” Then I tried on the beige one. “Yes, much, much better,” she said. Then she casually picks up the red one and dropped it in the bin! “Can’t I even wear it to work?” I pleaded. “No,” she said firmly. “It’s hideous.”
So I told Bert that she’d ‘Trinny and Susannahed’ me. He was delighted. “Did she poke and prod at your bouncy bits too?” he enquired. “No,” I answered “She didn’t take it to those lengths. She knows I’d of cowped her if she’d tried that!”
So then we thought it’d only be fair if Swisser ‘Trinny and Susannahed’ him too. She gazed him up and down then pronounced, “Mmmm. It’s definitely shirt out over your jeans. Either that or do your flies up.”