Monday, August 21, 2006

Helping the Police

The Scene: An Office In A Town

The Characters:

Woman, Somewhat Glum
Young Woman, Somewhat Giggly
Female Police Officer
Male Police Officer

MPO: So your man has the Advanced Driver’s Licence but he got it over 20 years ago and now he’s half blind. You’d need to be sitting beside him telling him where to drive, what to watch out for, walls and things, for he sees nothing.

WSG: Do the police not get youse ones to refresh that sort of thing after a period of time?

FPO: Huh! Hardly. Sure we’re waiting forever to get refresher courses in firearms training.

WSG: I’d like firearms training.

All parties look at Woman, Somewhat Glum askance. She continues…

WSG: For I might be the sort of person you’ll find someday at a high window picking people off…

YWSG: giggles

FPO: I could give you a list.

MPO: (points out window) Take out a few in that row there and you’ll cut the town’s crime rate in half.


Sandra said...

I bet you that training would be quare and handy if you were given to sniping at magpies, for example.

ed said...

Training is overrated. Especially when you're doing your pest eradication with hand grenades.

Nelly said...

Magpies? Lovely creatures. Not like the scumbags, maggots, cheap lousy faggots, gypsies, tramps & thieves that inhabit That Row.

Hand grenades? Not for me. I throw like a girl.

ed said...

They make these lovely grenades with rockets behind them, so throwing style doesn't matter.

Nelly said...

Can you get those grenades on Ebay?

Matty & I were in the evil that is Randalstown just now and she was awfully concerned about the Satanists. We might have needed some weaponry to fend them off.

Or would crucifixes suffice?

ed said...

These damn papers. They've managed to go let all you outsiders know about our evil animal-killing-in-the-name-of-satan. We keep it a secret for centuries, and then the Sunday bloody Life go and let everyone in on it...

Your average Randalstown Satanist doesn't heed crucifixes, and an RPG won't stop him. Offer him a cocktail, however, and that will begin a process which prevents him from doing anything for days.

Nelly said...

A cocktail? And where would you get such a thing in Randytown? Oh I know! O'Kanes. Both the mother and I thought it looks suspiciously jolly and gay. Lavender petunias if you please! Just the sort of place to pick up a Satanist or a Satanist Repellant.

Incidentally how do you make a Satanist Repellant cocktail or is that recipe on a need-to-know footing.

ed said...

In fact, O'Kanes was where I spent much of my yoof drinking cocktails. The amount of Blue Lagoon you could get into you of a friday night was shocking. And the same for Jokers on a saturday. And buying by the jug, it worked out cheaper than beer.

Satanists aren't repelled by said cocktails, they are rendered inert for several days. And to make such a cocktail, you need to remember one thing: go heavy on the alcoholic content.

Nelly said...

What is your definition of yoof and when does it stop?

In other words do you now consider yourself to be in your middle years?

ed said...

'Yoof' finishes when you can look back at it and realise that not only were you acting like a twat, but that yoof isn't even a real word.

So I'm now enjoying my youth. Same opportunities for acting the twat, but at least youth is a real word.

Nelly said...

I think I approve of that statement.