Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I kind of like Anna Wintour. She's got a good look and all the better for leaving off the big sunnies. But I sure hope that coat is fake fur for I like cats more than Ms Wintour.
Now Sienna. You clown. You attention-seeking little madam. Out in your pantie-girdle and not a skirt to your name. You don't even need a girdle. Still I suppose it is a better look than flashing the fan like Britney et al.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
It's the third or fourth days that can be problematical. Those are the days when the employer might start to think, is this one ever going to get the hang of this?
I meant to swot the company on the web last night but I watched the Big Brother final instead. Jermaine Jackson was robbed. Not to say that Shilpa wasn't a worthy winner but...I cannot help thinking that they rig the vote. What perfection that she should win after her ordeal at the hands of Jade the Obscene. Methinks a fix.
I cannot help feeling sorry for Danielle though. She makes it to the final night and comes out to find she's a dumped social pariah. And what about Jack? Sitting on Russell Brand's show as large as life and as if he hadn't rode to 'fame' on the coat tails of Britain's most hated woman.
Do you know something? I've just decided. I'm never going to appear on TV.
Not a lot of people know this but Bert was on TV once. The Ulster News as it happens. Someone was being interviewed on the streets of Ballyclare and Bert just wandered past. He was wearing a light-coloured jacket and someone had written on it the legend,
Bert was not aware of any of this. He was going to a bun shop and all that was in his head was sausage rolls and currant squares.
Another person of my acquaintance that has appeared on the News is Swisser. She would normally be pontificating about the importance of eating breakfast or some such nutritional-type nugget of information. She's always going on about that sort of thing - even when she's not on Tv and only at Nellybert's for her tea. She'll be going on and on about transfats and carcinogens. I just say to her,
Leave work at work. Now shut up and eat your Jenny Bristow Pear Tart and never mind what sort of butter I used!And speaking of butter the Wee Manny said he wasn't the better of the other Saturday night until the following Wednesday. He said he only had half an Interesting Brownie. But Ploppy Pants reports that he savaged three into him around about two in the morning. And had to be put to bed!
Friday, January 26, 2007
The traveller came to a wonderful garden. Again he asked a passer-by, "Who designed this wonderful garden?" The woman replied, "Keenog Stan."
In the garden he saw a glorious rose bush. The scent was the most delicious he had ever come across. He asked a gardener, "Who grew this beautiful rose?" The gardener answered him with, "Keenog Stan." The traveller thought that this Keenog Stan must be a very remarkable person.
And so it went on. Every wonderful thing that the traveller saw had been designed, built, developed, invented by Keenog Stan - which meant "I do not understand" in the language of the country.
I was very impressed with this fable when I first encountered it in Wide Range Readers: Blue Book 5 at age eight or so. Does anyone else remember these readers? There were also Green Books which we didn't use. I was sure that Green Books were sure to be much more interesting than our Blue Books and were probably kept for the exclusive use of those sophisticated Protestants.
Bert: Here! Look at that! You should go in for that. You'd be great at that.
Nelly: What! Strictly Lady Sumo?
Bert: Yeah! You could do that.
Nelly: Let me tell you this young-fellow-me-lad. If I were to go in for that you would be a sorry boy! A very sorry boy indeed!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
This couldn't have come at a better time for I was starting to realise that the hands-on caring work was not for me. Hurting my back scared me to bits. I'd always have been worried about it happening again.
No details on the new job other than I'll be working for a young businessman who is a friend of a friend.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
"Sandra don't listen to Nelly as you know what a blether she is."
So says Ganching. And she should know.
But seriously folks - the purpose of this blog is to amuse myself and, hopefully, occasionally, to amuse others. It's not to offend or 'get at' people. It seems that I may have offended someone over the past few days and for that I am sorry. It wasn't my intention.
Feel free to contact me on my email if you want to talk about this outside the public domain.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
If Bert were an ol' time blues player he'd be Blind Bobby John Orr and he'd be famous for singing and playing 'My Ol' Fat Mama Don't Jelly Roll No More'.
So guess who has been on SoulSeek adding to her blues collection?
Monday, January 22, 2007
Well - on Saturday morning it was difficult getting out of bed and I was well pissed off about it. But after a few co-codamol, a 40 minute walk and a hot bath I was reasonably fine.
Yesterday it seemed to have stiffened up again but after the painkiller, walk and bath treatment it was grand by last night and I was all set for work today.
This morning it was great - hardly a twinge and I set off for work. Maybe a little bit sore getting out of the car but nothing much - then...
Maybe it was a bit of an atmosphere I sensed, maybe it was the cold, maybe apprehension that the work expected of me was physical but whatever, the next thing my back went into a sort of spasm. The worst pain yet. I sent myself home.
So here I am. Sore to sit down, sore to stand and sore to walk. I'm dosed to the eyeballs with painkillers and I've got a hottie stuffed down the back of my trousers. As if my arse wasn't big enough.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
|What Kind of Reader Are You? |
Your Result: Dedicated Reader
|Literate Good Citizen|
|What Kind of Reader Are You?|
Create Your Own Quiz
Found at El Capitan's
Go on Ganching. Bet you're a book snob! Bet Marc's one too.
And Ed - a Literate Good Citizen?
Friday, January 19, 2007
It has moved up to the middle of my back now but here's hoping it will be all gone by the morning. I'm on medication of course - Chardonnay and co-codamol. And Matty is praying for me. I'll be grand in the morning.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
While Bert and she were at the hospital I went to my Aunt's funeral with Leitrim Sister and Matty. Not so many of Matty's generation around now. They're either gone or too ill to go to funerals. I met around thirty of my cousins and we're getting to be the oldies now. Nearly all of us as grey as badgers and the rest either dyed or bald. Except Leitrim Sister who still sports a full head of ginger (ahem! I mean auburn) curls.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
- not well
- not a bit well
- not one bit well
- awaitin' on
For example: Your Uncle Davy is not one bit well. His one's are demented about him.
In her world a person does not disapprove of something. They are 'dead nuts against it'.
Your Vancouver Brother is dead nuts against tablets.
Tablets? What d'ye mean?
He's dead nuts against all the tablets I'm on. He says I've no need of them and that the doctors are all pill-pushers.
His arse! Sure isn't it the tablets that are keeping all youse oul wans living?
I told him that. I told him I needed all my tablets except that wee sleeping tablet. I don't really need it but I like it.
Sure it does you no harm.
Aye! But you'll die when you hear this one. The third day he was here he told me he got a great night's sleep. Says he took one of my sleeping tablets!
And after him giving off too.
Aye. I told him he could have one more of them and then he'd got his gettings!
On my mind -
Pearlie. She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow. What is gastrenterology? Is this why she doesn't like eating?
Matty. Her sister died on Sunday and she's very sad.
Old People In General. So worrying. They get sick and then they die.
Bonnie. Covered in boils and on heat. The vet says it's nothing to fret about. And that will be another twenty of your fine pounds.
The Aforementioned Nest. Why can't people be nice? Or at least pretend to be.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Her unique appeal lies in that she can create new ideas and twists using affordable ingredients that are ready available in any local or high street shop,I'm confident in saying that Jenny's recipes are so well designed that successful results can be guaranteed even when the cook is drunk.
Inspired by Jenny's example and using her brownie recipe I created my own unique twist using ingredients not easily found in any local or high street shop.
Cybez' recipe for Nigerian Groundnut Stew went down well with the carnivores while the veggies relished a meat-free chili dish. We had parsnip soup to begin and apple & raspberry crumble to finish.
Everything seemed a little topsy-turvy last night. At one point during a conversation with Swisser I realised that she was making total sense while I was talking bollocks. How strange.
I was fast asleep by 11pm while everyone else stayed up until 2am. Was it the wine, the brownies, exhaustion? Who knows? But I do know this - the way I felt this morning makes me glad that getting stoned is becoming an annual event rather than a daily one.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I suppose it was alright. I couldnae eat the oul carrots because my teeth were in the kitchen and I wouldn't ask Bert to bring them into me for he'd only be shouting at me.He cooked liver for dinner yesterday evening. When he asked Pearlie what she thought of it she said,
I didnae think much o' it.Tonight it was steak pie and mushy peas. She accepted it with fairly good grace and asked for salt and pepper. He brought her the salt and pepper shakers from the kitchen.
I dinnae like them oul salt and pepper dusters. Bring me them ither salt and pepper dusters from the kitchen...
Yerman was by no means a druggie but he took a liking to smoking cannabis after falling in with some bad company.
Of course his elderly folks being unworldly types would have had no idea that their young fellow would be getting into such devilment so yerman was in a bit of a quandary when he found that the remains of his ten-deal was missing from his bedside table. So he says,
Mother! Have you been cleaning my room again?And his father goes,
Yes son. I've been up cleaning your room. Why? What's up?
Did you throw anything away? Something on my bedside table?
Like what son?
Er. Um. Like a bit of mud?
Mud! What you mean mud? Have you not been cleaning his room properly Mother?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
And what's with the Y at the end of Jackiey? I totally hate people who spell their names in a stupid way. It would be like Ed calling himself Edd or Marc calling himself Marck. It's just wrong. Sometimes, I'll admit, it's the parent's fault but I'm sure Jackiey's parents didn't put that abomination on her birth certificate.
People let a wise woman advise you. If you must use crappy names keep them for your dogs* or cats or hamsters. Not your precious children.
- Some Good Names for Boys: Matthew, Marc, Luke, John, Stephen, Alexander, Edward, Manuel, Seamus/James, Robert, Thomas
- Some Bad Names for Boys: Carisenda, Dylan, Jermajesty, Darren, Kian, Jordan, Spike
- Some Good Names For Girls: Martha, Mary, Jane, Hannah, Elizabeth, Charlotte, Eleanor
- Some Bad names For Girls: Chardonnay, Jade, Amber, Ganching, Peaches, Nelliey
*And speaking of pets - perhaps you shouldn't give your dog a crappy name either unless it is a particularly stupid sort of dog like the kind starlets carry around in their handbags.
Monday, January 08, 2007
We got our electricity bill today. It was in three figures. More than four hundred pounds. What do you think of that then? That is some giant carbon footprint.
· Oil-fired central heating
· A Super Ser (gas heater)
· Two electric fires
The heat in her mobile home would make a normal person faint. I’m convinced it killed her dog. I cannot sit there with her for more than thirty minutes at a time before getting multiple hot flushes. The place is like a furnace. She even keeps the heat on in the summer time. If it gets too warm she throws open the kitchen door and you can see the heat haze shimmering out.
There’s some heat in here Pearlie.
D’ye think so? I feel no great heat.
She keeps an electric fire in her bedroom... Despite this she always takes a hot water bottle and there used to be an electric blanket too but Bert banned it on health and safety grounds. She now puts on two cardigans and a head scarf before retiring.
Bert had a word with her about the electricity bill. She denied it had anything to do with her. She said,
It’s youse ones! Always burning lights. I see them lights on all the time and many the time I thocht to mysel’ them boys must have plenty of money with niver turning them lights off!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Rosie was a neutered rescue dog from the Dog's Trust so Paddy has never encountered an on season bitch since he came to live with us. He’s never seemed to miss ‘that side of things’ - that is until now. For Bonnie has all her bits in place and she’s coming on to heat and Paddy is ever so excited. It seems that when they took away his mechanics they didn’t take away his interest. The pair of them are cavorting and bottom-sniffing and he’s trying to get in there. It is bound to end in disappointment for one or both of them. Just as well really. Can you imagine the mutts those two would have produced?
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Homophobic Bus Driver: D’ye watch that Celebrity Big Brother last night?
Nelly: Yeah. I forgot it was on. Only saw the last twenty minutes.
HBD: Y’see that one out of Steps? Says he’s gay now. What d’ye think of that?
Nelly: You mean sexually explicit?
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
…It was great at Nelly’s. You should have seen all the toys Bert got from Santa. He got a rocking horse and a crane and he let me play with them. He wouldn’t let me play with his guns and he’s got three and they’re real ones too. Then Nelly showed me Harry de Cat’s grave and it’s got tiles on top. Nelly says that’s to stop Mr Fox digging him up which wouldn’t be very nice because he’s a skellington now. Nelly and me went for a really long walk in Portglenone Forest then she wouldn’t let me go to the shop for sweets because her exhaust fell off…
…Martina and me showed Nelly our Bebo pages and Nelly told Mum that I said I was 16 on mine and that Martina had a photo on hers with a Benson in her mouth. She’s a tout. You couldn’t tell her anything.
…The dinner was very nice but I swear to God you could not move through that house without bumping into some sort of an animal. Zoë had her wee dog Gracie out with her and though it’s a lovely looking wee thing, and there they were all oohing and aahing about how cute and sweet it was to see her playing with the new kitten, I saw the dirty looks that wee brute was giving that kitten when it thought no one was watching. I’d not like to leave them on their own for too long…
This year our visitors were Zoë, Dave, Hannah, Jamie, Eamon, Mel, PP, Jenny, Marty, Jazzer, Swisser, Martina, Erin, Ben, John, Buffy, Dirt Bird, Pearlie and Gracie. Ganching sent her apologies and some rather nice presents.