Class Meets Ass

But which is which?

I kind of like Anna Wintour. She's got a good look and all the better for leaving off the big sunnies. But I sure hope that coat is fake fur for I like cats more than Ms Wintour.

Now Sienna. You clown. You attention-seeking little madam. Out in your pantie-girdle and not a skirt to your name. You don't even need a girdle. Still I suppose it is a better look than flashing the fan like Britney et al.

How Come?

Our phone line has had a fault on it - so says BT. They also say the engineer will have it fixed by tomorrow. So, how come the phone hasn't worked for two days yet I've still got an internet connection?

First Days

There are lots of first days in temping work. The run up to them is always nerve wracking. After the angst the actual first day is almost always a doddle. Today was no exception.

It's the third or fourth days that can be problematical. Those are the days when the employer might start to think, is this one ever going to get the hang of this?

I meant to swot the company on the web last night but I watched the Big Brother final instead. Jermaine Jackson was robbed. Not to say that Shilpa wasn't a worthy winner but...I cannot help thinking that they rig the vote. What perfection that she should win after her ordeal at the hands of Jade the Obscene. Methinks a fix.

I cannot help feeling sorry for Danielle though. She makes it to the final night and comes out to find she's a dumped social pariah. And what about Jack? Sitting on Russell Brand's show as large as life and as if he hadn't rode to 'fame' on the coat tails of Britain's most hated woman.

Do you know something? I've just decided. I'm never going to appear on TV.

Not a lot of people know this but Bert was on TV once. The Ulster News as it happens. Someone was being interviewed on the streets of Ballyclare and Bert just wandered past. He was wearing a light-coloured jacket and someone had written on it the legend,

I am a TV

Bert was not aware of any of this. He was going to a bun shop and all that was in his head was sausage rolls and currant squares.

Another person of my acquaintance that has appeared on the News is Swisser. She would normally be pontificating about the importance of eating breakfast or some such nutritional-type nugget of information. She's always going on about that sort of thing - even when she's not on Tv and only at Nellybert's for her tea. She'll be going on and on about transfats and carcinogens. I just say to her,

Leave work at work. Now shut up and eat your Jenny Bristow Pear Tart and never mind what sort of butter I used!

And speaking of butter the Wee Manny said he wasn't the better of the other Saturday night until the following Wednesday. He said he only had half an Interesting Brownie. But Ploppy Pants reports that he savaged three into him around about two in the morning. And had to be put to bed!

Keenog Stan

A man travelled to a distant land. As he travelled through the country he came to a beautiful city. He was so impressed by the buildings he saw that he stopped a man in the street and said, "Who built this beautiful city?" The man replied, "Keenog Stan."

The traveller came to a wonderful garden. Again he asked a passer-by, "Who designed this wonderful garden?" The woman replied, "Keenog Stan."

In the garden he saw a glorious rose bush. The scent was the most delicious he had ever come across. He asked a gardener, "Who grew this beautiful rose?" The gardener answered him with, "Keenog Stan." The traveller thought that this Keenog Stan must be a very remarkable person.

And so it went on. Every wonderful thing that the traveller saw had been designed, built, developed, invented by Keenog Stan - which meant "I do not understand" in the language of the country.

I was very impressed with this fable when I first encountered it in Wide Range Readers: Blue Book 5 at age eight or so. Does anyone else remember these readers? There were also Green Books which we didn't use. I was sure that Green Books were sure to be much more interesting than our Blue Books and were probably kept for the exclusive use of those sophisticated Protestants.

How Very Dare You!

Bert is watching television. Nelly is stomping around the kitchen. Bert shouts for Nelly to come see something.

Bert: Here! Look at that! You should go in for that. You'd be great at that.

Nelly: What! Strictly Lady Sumo?

Bert: Yeah! You could do that.

Nelly: Let me tell you this young-fellow-me-lad. If I were to go in for that you would be a sorry boy! A very sorry boy indeed!

Bugger That

Sore back has returned. Baa'stard!

Not Another New Job!

Yes indeedy. I start next Monday.

This couldn't have come at a better time for I was starting to realise that the hands-on caring work was not for me. Hurting my back scared me to bits. I'd always have been worried about it happening again.

No details on the new job other than I'll be working for a young businessman who is a friend of a friend.

Good Advice

"Sandra don't listen to Nelly as you know what a blether she is."

So says Ganching. And she should know.

But seriously folks - the purpose of this blog is to amuse myself and, hopefully, occasionally, to amuse others. It's not to offend or 'get at' people. It seems that I may have offended someone over the past few days and for that I am sorry. It wasn't my intention.

Feel free to contact me on my email if you want to talk about this outside the public domain.

Colour Quiz

Nelly took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of exp..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Thanks to Rolpol for the link

I Got Those Goddamned Sore Back Blues

If I were an old time blues singer (and I'd love to be) I'd be called Big Fat Mama Nelly Moser and my signature tune would be 'Those Ol' Sore Back Blues'.

If Bert were an ol' time blues player he'd be Blind Bobby John Orr and he'd be famous for singing and playing 'My Ol' Fat Mama Don't Jelly Roll No More'.

So guess who has been on SoulSeek adding to her blues collection?

Ouchie!

I mentioned on Friday that I hurt my back at work but, being a brave and uncomplaining soul, haven't mentioned it since.

Well - on Saturday morning it was difficult getting out of bed and I was well pissed off about it. But after a few co-codamol, a 40 minute walk and a hot bath I was reasonably fine.

Yesterday it seemed to have stiffened up again but after the painkiller, walk and bath treatment it was grand by last night and I was all set for work today.

This morning it was great - hardly a twinge and I set off for work. Maybe a little bit sore getting out of the car but nothing much - then...

Maybe it was a bit of an atmosphere I sensed, maybe it was the cold, maybe apprehension that the work expected of me was physical but whatever, the next thing my back went into a sort of spasm. The worst pain yet. I sent myself home.

So here I am. Sore to sit down, sore to stand and sore to walk. I'm dosed to the eyeballs with painkillers and I've got a hottie stuffed down the back of my trousers. As if my arse wasn't big enough.

I Never Read Moby Dick

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Book Snob
Literate Good Citizen
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

Found at El Capitan's

Go on Ganching. Bet you're a book snob! Bet Marc's one too.

And Ed - a Literate Good Citizen?

That Hurts

I hurt my back this morning while helping a small, disabled man from a car to a wheelchair. I was following all the correct procedures, using a handling belt and so on but it's an awkward move and this man can be a dead weight at times. Next thing I felt something pull in my lower back.

It has moved up to the middle of my back now but here's hoping it will be all gone by the morning. I'm on medication of course - Chardonnay and co-codamol. And Matty is praying for me. I'll be grand in the morning.

A Cold Goodbye

Pearlie saw her specialist today. She is not much the wiser about what ails her but she has been told she will have an endoscopy procedure done at some time in the future.

While Bert and she were at the hospital I went to my Aunt's funeral with Leitrim Sister and Matty. Not so many of Matty's generation around now. They're either gone or too ill to go to funerals. I met around thirty of my cousins and we're getting to be the oldies now. Nearly all of us as grey as badgers and the rest either dyed or bald. Except Leitrim Sister who still sports a full head of ginger (ahem! I mean auburn) curls.

The funeral service was one of the best I've ever heard. For once the priest spoke of a real person rather than a plaster saint. My Aunt was not the easiest of women yet he described her in a way that highlighted her humanity, helped me to understand her eccentricities, her outspokenness and made me wish I'd had more time for her. A lesson learned. We froze at her graveside. I'm sure it served me right.

1932-2007

Mattyspeak

In Matty's world people do not experience concern or merely worry. No. In Matty's world people are 'demented' or 'demented with worry'. And you'd never be poorly or ill - in order of seriousness you would be,

• not well
• not a bit well
• not one bit well
• awaitin' on
• annointed
• dead
• buried

For example: Your Uncle Davy is not one bit well. His one's are demented about him.

In her world a person does not disapprove of something. They are 'dead nuts against it'.

Your Vancouver Brother is dead nuts against tablets.

Tablets? What d'ye mean?

He's dead nuts against all the tablets I'm on. He says I've no need of them and that the doctors are all pill-pushers.

His arse! Sure isn't it the tablets that are keeping all youse oul wans living?

I told him that. I told him I needed all my tablets except that wee sleeping tablet. I don't really need it but I like it.

Sure it does you no harm.

Aye! But you'll die when you hear this one. The third day he was here he told me he got a great night's sleep. Says he took one of my sleeping tablets!

And after him giving off too.

Aye. I told him he could have one more of them and then he'd got his gettings!

A Nest of Vipers...

...you know who y'all are.

On my mind -

Pearlie. She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow. What is gastrenterology? Is this why she doesn't like eating?

Matty. Her sister died on Sunday and she's very sad.

Old People In General. So worrying. They get sick and then they die.

Bonnie. Covered in boils and on heat. The vet says it's nothing to fret about. And that will be another twenty of your fine pounds.

The Aforementioned Nest. Why can't people be nice? Or at least pretend to be.

Extreme Cooking

Our local celebrity chef Jenny Bristow is, in my opinion, up there with Nigella, Jamie and the rest of them.

Her unique appeal lies in that she can create new ideas and twists using affordable ingredients that are ready available in any local or high street shop,

I'm confident in saying that Jenny's recipes are so well designed that successful results can be guaranteed even when the cook is drunk.

Inspired by Jenny's example and using her brownie recipe I created my own unique twist using ingredients not easily found in any local or high street shop.

Cybez' recipe for Nigerian Groundnut Stew went down well with the carnivores while the veggies relished a meat-free chili dish. We had parsnip soup to begin and apple & raspberry crumble to finish.

Everything seemed a little topsy-turvy last night. At one point during a conversation with Swisser I realised that she was making total sense while I was talking bollocks. How strange.

I was fast asleep by 11pm while everyone else stayed up until 2am. Was it the wine, the brownies, exhaustion? Who knows? But I do know this - the way I felt this morning makes me glad that getting stoned is becoming an annual event rather than a daily one.

Interesting Brownies...

are very interesting indeed.

What's Cookin'?

I'm making Nigerian Groundnut Stew and Interesting Brownies tonight. Please pray for me and my guests.

AND.....a very Happy Berliner Birthday to Ganching!

Bert Cooks Plain Dinners But Pearlie Disnae Like Them

On Tuesday we had mince, onions and carrots for dinner. Pearlie told her niece,

I suppose it was alright. I couldnae eat the oul carrots because my teeth were in the kitchen and I wouldn't ask Bert to bring them into me for he'd only be shouting at me.

He cooked liver for dinner yesterday evening. When he asked Pearlie what she thought of it she said,

I didnae think much o' it.

Tonight it was steak pie and mushy peas. She accepted it with fairly good grace and asked for salt and pepper. He brought her the salt and pepper shakers from the kitchen.

I dinnae like them oul salt and pepper dusters. Bring me them ither salt and pepper dusters from the kitchen...

Another True Story

It was when the brother lived in London that he knew this guy, in his early thirties, who still lived with his old Mum and Dad who were very good to him.

Yerman was by no means a druggie but he took a liking to smoking cannabis after falling in with some bad company.

Of course his elderly folks being unworldly types would have had no idea that their young fellow would be getting into such devilment so yerman was in a bit of a quandary when he found that the remains of his ten-deal was missing from his bedside table. So he says,

Mother! Have you been cleaning my room again?

Yes son. I've been up cleaning your room. Why? What's up?

Did you throw anything away? Something on my bedside table?

Like what son?

Er. Um. Like a bit of mud?

Mud?

And his father goes,

Mud! What you mean mud? Have you not been cleaning his room properly Mother?

Wot's A Dimella?

Yes. Guilty as charged. I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother or, as Ken Russell would have it, Nonentity Big Brother. And tonight Jackiey was booted off. It was just as well as she was one of the most cringingly awful contestants ever. Having the mother on the show was a good move for Jade as people will have even more sympathy for her now that they see the awful parent she has had to put up with.

And what's with the Y at the end of Jackiey? I totally hate people who spell their names in a stupid way. It would be like Ed calling himself Edd or Marc calling himself Marck. It's just wrong. Sometimes, I'll admit, it's the parent's fault but I'm sure Jackiey's parents didn't put that abomination on her birth certificate.

People let a wise woman advise you. If you must use crappy names keep them for your dogs* or cats or hamsters. Not your precious children.

• Some Good Names for Boys: Matthew, Marc, Luke, John, Stephen, Alexander, Edward, Manuel, Seamus/James, Robert, Thomas
  
• Some Bad Names for Boys: Carisenda, Dylan, Jermajesty, Darren, Kian, Jordan, Spike
• Some Good Names For Girls: Martha, Mary, Jane, Hannah, Elizabeth, Charlotte, Eleanor
• Some Bad names For Girls: Chardonnay, Jade, Amber, Ganching, Peaches, Nelliey
  

I think I've had a rant about this before but it was ages ago and what's the point of a blog if a body can't have a whinge about a pet hate.

*And speaking of pets - perhaps you shouldn't give your dog a crappy name either unless it is a particularly stupid sort of dog like the kind starlets carry around in their handbags.

Some Like It Hot

We got our electricity bill today. It was in three figures. More than four hundred pounds. What do you think of that then? That is some giant carbon footprint.

So what do you think we are up to then? Rearing battery chicks? No. Running a cannabis farm? No. Taking in washing? Yes. But not that much.

There can only be one reason for such a huge bill and that is Pearlie. Pearlie likes to be cosy and warm and no harm in that at her age. But she uses all at the same time:

· Oil-fired central heating

· A Super Ser (gas heater)

· Two electric fires

The heat in her mobile home would make a normal person faint. I’m convinced it killed her dog. I cannot sit there with her for more than thirty minutes at a time before getting multiple hot flushes. The place is like a furnace. She even keeps the heat on in the summer time. If it gets too warm she throws open the kitchen door and you can see the heat haze shimmering out.

My mother visited her the other evening.

There’s some heat in here Pearlie.

D’ye think so? I feel no great heat.

She keeps an electric fire in her bedroom... Despite this she always takes a hot water bottle and there used to be an electric blanket too but Bert banned it on health and safety grounds. She now puts on two cardigans and a head scarf before retiring.

Bert had a word with her about the electricity bill. She denied it had anything to do with her. She said,

It’s youse ones! Always burning lights. I see them lights on all the time and many the time I thocht to mysel’ them boys must have plenty of money with niver turning them lights off!

Today I Have Been Mostly...

Listening to...

He Just Doesn't Have The Balls

Paddy came to us from the Crosskennan Animal Sanctuary and as is the custom they neutered him before rehoming him. This is the proper course to take, as neutered animals do not produce more unwanted offspring. Yet at the very start I got an impression that Paddy was pissed off at losing his cojones. I think he might have been quite a player in his day.

Rosie was a neutered rescue dog from the Dog's Trust so Paddy has never encountered an on season bitch since he came to live with us. He’s never seemed to miss ‘that side of things’ - that is until now. For Bonnie has all her bits in place and she’s coming on to heat and Paddy is ever so excited. It seems that when they took away his mechanics they didn’t take away his interest. The pair of them are cavorting and bottom-sniffing and he’s trying to get in there. It is bound to end in disappointment for one or both of them. Just as well really. Can you imagine the mutts those two would have produced?

Explicit

Homophobic Bus Driver: D’ye watch that Celebrity Big Brother last night?

Nelly: Yeah. I forgot it was on. Only saw the last twenty minutes.

HBD: Y’see that one out of Steps? Says he’s gay now. What d’ye think of that?

Nelly: Good timing. Good publicity for his career. Do him no harm.

HBD: Y’see that Ken Russell? He used to make very explicit films didn’t he?

Nelly: Yeah. Got a surprise there. Didn’t see him coming in. Thought he was Charlie Drake at first glimpse.

HBD: Y’see that Women In Love?

Nelly: Oh yes. Remember the nude wrestling scene?

HBD: Oh yes. I remember that. Very explicit wasn’t it?

Nelly: You think so?

HBD: Remember that Last Tango In Paris? That was very explicit wasn’t it?

Nelly: For the time.

HBD: You like explicit films?

Nelly: You mean sexually explicit?

HBD: Oh yes.

Nelly: Tell you the truth I prefer a good war film. Blood and guts, exploding shells, heads, that sort of thing.

The Visitor's Book 2006

Here are some of the comments left in Nellybert’s Visitor’s Book over the holiday period.

…. Nelly said it was Christmas Dinner but it wisnae! It wis beef and ye haftae hae fowl for Christmas Dinner! Nelly was that cheeky when I said – she said it was a dinner and it was Christmas and I was tae come ower before it got cowl and to tell you the truth she trailt me ower aginst my will. And her oul puddin’ was rotten too, it was as bitter as gall…

…. I always spend my New Year’s birthday at Nellybert’s and you’d think I’d get a bed by now but it was still the bloody sofa.

…. Nelly forgot to make the vegetarian gravy so I had to make do with cheese sauce which was exceptionally good. She did make me a special stuffing and it was yum-yum but there was something about it…you’d nearly have thought…but surely not? Nelly wouldn’t do that…would she?….

…It was great at Nelly’s. You should have seen all the toys Bert got from Santa. He got a rocking horse and a crane and he let me play with them. He wouldn’t let me play with his guns and he’s got three and they’re real ones too. Then Nelly showed me Harry de Cat’s grave and it’s got tiles on top. Nelly says that’s to stop Mr Fox digging him up which wouldn’t be very nice because he’s a skellington now. Nelly and me went for a really long walk in Portglenone Forest then she wouldn’t let me go to the shop for sweets because her exhaust fell off…

…Martina and me showed Nelly our Bebo pages and Nelly told Mum that I said I was 16 on mine and that Martina had a photo on hers with a Benson in her mouth. She’s a tout. You couldn’t tell her anything.

…The dinner was very nice but I swear to God you could not move through that house without bumping into some sort of an animal. Zoë had her wee dog Gracie out with her and though it’s a lovely looking wee thing, and there they were all oohing and aahing about how cute and sweet it was to see her playing with the new kitten, I saw the dirty looks that wee brute was giving that kitten when it thought no one was watching. I’d not like to leave them on their own for too long…

This year our visitors were Zoë, Dave, Hannah, Jamie, Eamon, Mel, PP, Jenny, Marty, Jazzer, Swisser, Martina, Erin, Ben, John, Buffy, Dirt Bird, Pearlie and Gracie. Ganching sent her apologies and some rather nice presents.