Oatus Interruptus

Finished Porridge Bread

I'm right in the middle of preparing porridge bread when the phone rings. The person on the other end has a drawly, disinterested Southern English accent.

Hellooo, Mrs Moser? 

Yes?

This is Dylan. I'm calling about your washing machine insurance.

What about it?

It's due to expire.

Is it?

Yes. How's your machine going?

Brilliant. No problems.

That's goood. Now, as I said, the insurance is about to run out and we can...

Who do you work for?

Ah! UK Appliances...

I hope you don't mind me saying but this sounds like a scam.

It is a scam. You can hang up now.

So I do. And I don't even have washing machine insurance. Next time I'm going to play the scatty old lady, not able to find my purse etc. for my credit card details, then when I've wasted a good ten minutes of his time I'm going to shout into the phone, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF!

Kanh to Moser, Moser to Kanh

--- On Tue, 29/7/08, mr.kanh Bobo wrote:
From: mr.kanh Bobo
Subject: I,m writing to know how far you have gone with the Bank
To: marymajellabyrne@yahoo.co.uk
Date: Tuesday, 29 July, 2008, 12:23 PM

Dear Nelly Mary Moser,

I,m writing to know how far you have gone with the Bank, have you send the Form to the Bank pls up date me so i can know what to do, so you have to be fast in what ever you are doing.

Have a nice day.

Thank's,

Mr. Kanh
+226 78 32 65 26.

Dear Mr Kanh, I have decided not to proceed in this matter. I cannot be convinced by a man, purporting to be an educated person, who is careless with grammar. I'm unable to tolerate misplaced apostrophes. My advice, if you wish to succeed in a career of fraudulent scammery, is to pay more attention to your ps and qs, not to mention your commas, periods and apostrophes.

I wish you ill luck in all your endeavours.

Sincerely yours, Mrs Nelly Moser.

Have I Too Much Time On My Hands?

Perhaps I have as I find myself replying to emails that start like this -


--- On Thu, 10/7/08, ismael_hassan03 Gazeta.pl wrote:
From: ismael_hassan03 Gazeta.pl
Subject: I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE.
To:
Date: Thursday, 10 July, 2008, 2:56 PM

Dear Friend,

I am Ismael Hassan from Burkina faso.I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before, but need not to worry as I am using the only secured and confidential medium available to seek for your foreign assistance in a business. I am contacting you independently of my investigation and no one is informed of this communication............

Dear Ismael

I couldn't be less surprised that you have contacted me as I receive around 10 emails per week inviting me to help with unclaimed funds lying around in Burkina Faso banks.

You say you need my urgent assistance? I suggest that what you really need is a kick up your hole.

Nelly

My Eggs

I just got an email from the Egg Banking plc. My immediate thought was,

I'm way too old to be banking my eggs!

On closer inspection it turned out to be one of those banking scams.

So that's OK then.