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My Report To The Management

A PLANTING SCHEME FOR MINGERTON

A Report by Nelly Moser

Berkheya purpurea

A fast-growing, long-lived perennial, Berkheya purpurea has a long, single taproot and forms a dense clump of very prickly foliage tight on the ground. The large green leaves arranged in a rosette are up to 250 mm long with wavy, very spiny edges. The upper surfaces of the leaves are almost shiny, whereas the cobwebby undersides are covered with long, soft, white hairs. Smaller leaves are produced along the single flowering stem; these leaves diminish in size upwards and their bases continue down the stem forming broad spiny wings running down the stem-an interesting feature of Berkheya purpurea.

The strong flower stem is produced in summer in the centre of the plant, and it can stand up to a metre tall. They are protected by large, spiny green bracts which fold open with the flowers to form a flat shield at the back and close again after flowering to protect the seed heads. Each flower lasts a few days and a single plant can have up to 15 flowers open at one time.

Every part of this attractive plant is spiny and is capable of inflicting a lot of pain on the unwary vandal. I would recommend its planting in the raised bed in the courtyard and in all the beds surrounding the building.

Ruta graveolens (Rue)

Evergreen perennial bush with yellow flowers and blue-green attractive frondy foliage. Also known as Herb of Grace (repentence) due to its bitter taste. It was believed hundreds of years ago that Rue would guard against witches, and innkeepers would give some to travellers for safety. Grows to about 3 ft (92 cm) high. Very aromatic. Makes a strong disinfectant and insect repellent when leaves are strewn across the floor.

Dioscorides recommended it for the treatment of snakebite, as he reckoned that weasels ate the leaves before fighting snakes. He also claimed it had contraceptive properties. Plant Rue round buildings to keep out snakes. In Medieval and Tudor times it was one of the main ingredients for exorcism. Juice has been used for earache.
Plant in a sunny site and cut back by half in spring to keep it compact. Plant lasts longer in poor, dry soil than good soil.

CAUTION - SEVERELY TOXIC TO SKIN WITH SUNLIGHT (the sap may render the skin excessively sensitive to strong sunlight resulting in painful blistering, so handle with care)

This plant has a multitude of uses. Insects, snakes and witches are repelled. Its disinfectant properties will be useful, as will its properties as a cure for earache as this is a frequent hazard in our work. It should also prove to be vandal-resistant thanks to its toxic properties. I recommend planting it all round the building and also in window boxes to maximise its snake and witch repelling properties.

Pyracantha coccinea ‘Red Column’ Firethorn

A vigorous plant with small evergreen, oval, dark green leaves. Bears corymbs of tiny white flowers at the end of spring, which are followed by long lasting scarlet berries. Best grown in well-drained soil in full sun or part shade. As its name suggests it’s a thorny plant. I would advise training it up walls to discourage visitors and clients from entering and leaving the building through windows.

Berkheya Purpurea

Ouch!

Like So Totally Random

random (adjective) happening, done or chosen by chance rather than according to a plan

I’ve been hearing ‘random’ a lot recently. It seems to be mainly used by young women and used in the same way that ‘totally’ or ‘like’ are used.

This morning whilst buying Sunday papers I overheard one young girl say to another,

“I’m just like randomly swapping jobs.”

The other day at work G said,

“That’s just like our Shona to be telling her life story to some random stranger.”

So is ‘random’ where it’s at these days? Or am I behind the times?

Rooster Tales

It looks like Clint has gone rooster mad for he has acquired not just one but two new cocks! There is a bit of a story behind the second one.

The first one is a very handsome Sussex rooster and was bought from a man who specialises in rearing Sussex and Rhode Island fowl. This fellow has had a happy corn fed, free range start in life. The other rooster has had a much tougher time of it.

The Sussex Rooster is a very handsome fellow

Battery chickens go through a lot of checks before they are squashed five or six into a cage. First of all they’re sexed at a day old and all the males are killed and the females sent to be reared up to laying age. They’re sexed again at 16 weeks and any male that gets through the initial checks is disposed of. This fellow survived both these checks and spent a year in the cages. The farmer knew there was a rooster in there for he could hear him but he never did find out where the rooster was. It would have been like looking for a needle in a haystack. Eventually after 13 months, the end of that particular lot’s productive life, the lone rooster was found. The farmer took pity on him and decided to let him live until the whole lot were taken for slaughter. Before this happened Clint heard the tale and offered him a home. Lucky the Rooster has survived four brushes with death.

And it’s just as well that Clint is an early riser for two cocks crowing in the morning would be very hard to listen to.

This boy is a bad looking brute. And the rooster isn't much to look at either.

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You're a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh. You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link. You're also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

When I was a child yellow was my favourite colour. My sister's was pink and I thought this meant she was a sissy. I saw yellow as a strong colour because the sun was yellow and it was so fierce you couldn't even look at it without going blind.

My blog is blue with a dash of orange and that is just so me. I'm blue at the moment and I cannot shake it off. Maybe it's something to do with what was going on this time last year.

Pearlie Does Politics

Recently Bert has taken to bringing Pearlie with him when he goes out on deliveries. She enjoys getting a run out and seeing a bit of the countryside. She always brings a book with her to to occupy herself when Bert is unloading, chasing cheques and having long gossipy conversations about matters horticultural. On the way back she always has an ice cream. When I got back this evening I asked him,

What were you at today? Did a delivery to Bushmills. Did Pearlie go? Aye. Did she get her ice cream?

He laughed and said,

She did not. Oh. Why was that? Och I forgot about it until we were coming out of Ballymoney so I told her there was a shop in Rasharkin did good ice cream. Then when we got to Rasharkin I pulled up in front of the shop and she sees a tricolour flying outside it and says she wasn’t eating any ice cream out of that hole. Was the flag attached to the shop? No. I think it was flying from a telegraph pole but she held it was to do with the shop and was having none of it. I suppose it must be odd for her seeing tricolours flying in places they never would have been 30 or more years ago. Mind you she said she wouldn’t mind if they flew a Union Jack along side it.

Which is, I think, pretty broadminded for an 80-year-old DUP voter. More people like Pearlie and we’d have that Assembly up and running in no time.

Sleeping On The Job

Well chance would be a fine thing! Take last night - I trot off for my sleepover at 11.30pm and after a go at the Sudoku and a perusal of the news I drift off to sleep....

To be rudely awakened by the fire alarm. Get up, liaise with night worker, soothe ruffled feathers of clientele then back to bed where I drift off to sleep....

Brrrng! Brrrng! Night worker calls the sleepover flat to let me know that the PSNI want to transfer some noisy ruffian from their cosy cells to us. No vacancies. Try again tomorrow. I sleep....

To be jolted awake at 3.30am by that boom-boom noise that passes for music among the cloth-eared. I investigate its source and complain and am assured it will be turned off. I then toss and turn, try to ignore the slamming doors and loud conversations, worry about 'my' washing machine rental agreement, seethe a bit then finally fall asleep.

Then I got up and worked for eight solid hours.

Then I went home to find that Bert had not lifted a spoon for over 25 hours. I decided not to nag him.

Then a perfect opportunity presented itself. In a conversation about petted children Bert decries Swisser's boys as hopelessly spoiled because they wouldn't even wash a dish.

So did I continue to hold my tongue? Not on your Nelly.

Bert's excuse. He didn't know what all the stuff in the sink was. This was because a lot of it was Pearlie's sundae dishes, lemonade sets, ornamental glassware and other such foolishness rescued from the sheds. I'd been working on the Herculean task of washing it the previous day before I left for work.

So I told him what the stuff in the sink was. It was bloody dirty dishes - that's what it was.

Then I washed all the dishes and stupid Pearlie stuff so that I could donate it to Laura's carboot sale and while I doing this Bert went off on a jaunt to help Clint choose a new cock. I asked them to bring me back a bantie but they didn't.

I will post pictures of Clint's new cock before the weekend. According to Bert it's gorgeous!

BoxStupid and Me

God I’m cross.

What’s the point of it all?

I suspect I just exist so that other people and institutions can make use of me.

Where’s the bloody fun?

Is this a rant? That’s not like Nelly’s Garden. So what’s pissing me off?
Let me count the ways.

1. Old age


2. The aftermath of the Big Girl’s Blouse Flu. I’m on antibiotics now.


3. Teething troubles


4. Mingerton


5. People who sell me stuff on Ebay then up and die just after I’ve paid them but before they send the goods. Hah!


6. Getting a letter this morning from BoxClever demanding a monthly payment of £45.90 for two washing machines purchased on behalf of my workplace in Spide City nearly 5 years ago.

So I phoned BoxClever. No getting out of it. Because the account was opened in my name I’m responsible for non-payment and as the company cancelled the Direct Debit and the washing machines no longer exist and nobody registered their death I’m responsible. That’s a carry-on is it not? The company actually sent a lorry to pick up these non-existent washing machines last week. Nobody was there, there were no keys to get in and anyway the washing machines are languishing in landfill somewhere.

So I phoned Mingerton and spoke to the Wise One. The Wise One said I should phone the Finance Department of the old company.

So I phoned the Finance Department of the old company and she said she would look into it.

Ten minutes later the Finance Department of the old company phoned me and said she’d been in touch with BoxClever and they had offered to sell me the washing machines.

Right! I know I’ve bought some crap in my time but I draw the line at buying washing machines that don’t exist. Unless the vendor is operating on Ebay in which case I might be tempted. (See aggravation #5)

All this hassle has totally spoiled my enjoyment of redding out the shades. Then to top the lot with dream topping I held up a little pottery jam pot with a lid featuring a seated jersey cow and said to Bert,

“Should we put this in the box for Laura’s car boot sale?”

And he says,

“Och no. That’s a nice wee thing.”

And he takes it from me, turns it upside down and the lid falls on to a gorgeous plate featuring a vixen and two cubs and the wee cow’s left ear breaks off. Amazingly the foxy plate was undamaged which was just as well because if he’d broken that too I might have had to kill him.

Redding Out The Shades

Working in Mingerton

Feeling depressed

Discussing literature and Lost

Slagging the small man

Trespassing

Picking up scripts

Sowing seeds

Making dumplings and stew

Chasing the hens off the vegatubbles

Redding out the shades

More later....

Old Fashioned Weans

Old Fashioned Weans
Originally uploaded by hootchinhannah.

Three Irish weans and three Canadian weans. Who is who?

The Lamentations of Pearlie

I'm a bit moody at the moment. Maybe it's a hormonal thing but more likely it's the aftermath of the Big Girl's Blouse Flu. It's my experience that viral infections leave me feeling drained and low in spirits. But yesterday was a lovely day and despite my return to Mingerton I felt pretty OK. At lunchtime I went for a walk in Currell's Avenue. It was actually more of a trespass by the riverbank where Bert and I used to take the children for walks. It was there that Katy fell in the river and Bert saved her life. It was a beautiful gladed place then and full of wildflowers. There were celandine, primroses, wild garlic and wood anemones. Later in the year there were masses of blue and white spiked campanulas, which must have been a garden escape gone wild.

There were three ponies grazing there. Two were in the meadow and another one was right by the river munching on wild garlic. The ponies have trampled down or eaten a lot of the vegetation but it is still a beautiful place and anyway horses are just as wonderful as plants. I wished I'd brought my camera.

After work the first thing that caught my eye was Attracta out pecking for insects and grubs in the evening sunshine. She looked so busy and intent on her task. This delighted me as she was getting the chance to live a proper hen's life at last. I'd been feeling fine before but seeing that wee chicken foraging in the sunshine upped my mood from fine to happy.

Attracta

Soon afterwards Bert returned and he was happy too. He'd just come from the practice nurse after having his ears syringed. I know I never mentioned that he'd gone deaf for I was too preoccupied with my own woes and anyway it was a blessing in disguise for me for his (temporary) deafness meant no tin whistle or clarinet for a week. He plays by ear y'see. The evening being so fine he decided to get a move on with the vegetable garden. Pearlie came out to watch.

Pearlie and Penny oversee the vegetable planting

I was telling her about how happy I felt when I saw the hens starting to venture out. She said,

"Ye've little need o'them hens! They'll only bring the fox and he'll ate the lot of them. There's far too many trees about the country now. Farmers planting woods all ower the place! It only encourages foxes and then folk cannae keep a hen or two running about the place! There's nae need o' them oul woods a-tall!"

Then to lighten the subject I said to her,

"Isn't it great watching a man working?"

"Huh! He's only lossing his time at that oul carry-on. Them hens'll soon scrape that lot out when they get the length of this garden. It's naethin' but a waste o' time that!"

Thankfully a car arrived. It was my home girls and their boys. Hannah and Jamie were out to pick up their car from Ploppy Pants and Zoe and Dave were out to borrow Rosie to take on a walk with their pup Gracie. It was Gracie's first experience of chickens and she wanted to play chase. A bit of impromptu dog training took place but Pearlie didn't see the point of it.

"Och no matter what you do that wee dog'll only be after those hens to kill them. She has terrier in her and that's what terriers do. Kill chickens!"

"No Pearlie. She can be trained to let them alone."

"She's got terrier in her and it's bred into her! She'll kill those hens first chance she gets."

Gracie

So there you go. According to Pearlie all our attempts at self-sufficiency are doomed to failure. The hens will scrape up our vegetables. We will be unable to console ourselves with a lovely fresh egg because Foxy will ate the hens. Should any hen survive Gracie will rip it to pieces. Because it's bred into her.

Yours With An Aching Mouth

I wrote this on the 10th April,

Can you imagine working in a place where, on the Monday before Easter Monday, you don't know yet if you're working it?

After that posting I phoned my workplace and found out that I was off at the beginning of the week and not working until the Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I was a mixture of glad and mad.

I was glad that I had Easter Monday off. And glad that my requested day off (today) had been granted and then I was mad that I was being expected to work for a third weekend in a row.

But life gets in the way and I had the Big Girl’s Blouse Flu and didn’t work last weekend so no opportunity to check the rota for myself. Today I had two dental appointments, the first at 8.30am and the second at 3pm and yes, you’ve guessed it, another tooth has gone. I’d been waiting nearly six weeks for this appointment and had asked for it off as soon as I started the new place.

So this evening I phoned work to double check my hours and guess what? I was told that I was supposed to be working this evening.

As Richard Meldrew would have said, “I just don’t believe it!”

I Will Survive! Briefly.

Running Target You are 42% likely to survive the end of the world.

You might know a few things, but that's about it. You likely survived the initial catastrophe, but not for very long. Your death was slow, and extremely painful, but only because you weren't stupid enough to die immedeately. Don't get too cocky though, you weren't bright enough to survive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on sp

Link: The Apocalypse Survival Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Found at Ed’s

To lose one seller, Mrs Moser, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness

I wrote this the other day,

And speaking of Ebay – I’ve been stroked twice. The last time I was Ebay-spreeing I got everything I paid for and now this time two vendors have not sent the goods. You might put it down to the post or whatever but these sellers didn’t even answer my numerous messages. Perhaps they died? I suppose that could happen. But it would be odd if the two of them died so close together just as I’d made a paypal transaction for them.

Well you’re not going to believe this but I heard today that one of them is actually supposed to have died! On the day before I paid her on Ebay. And there was me left negative feedback too. The message was supposedly from another Ebay seller and the spelling and grammar was appalling. I don’t know about you but poor literacy is the first thing gets me thinking it’s a scam. Might this indicate that I possess racist tendencies?

That negative feedback is staying. If the seller is dead she’ll hardly care. Funnily enough though her name turns up two sites that list Ebay scammers. I don’t know what to think.

Two Foxes, A Badger And A Lying Toad

The Wee Manny is a great believer in the old adage,

Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy & wise

It doesn’t seem to be working for him, as he’s none of those. But still he persists. Off to bed at 9-9.30pm and up again with the lark

The Wee Mannys plus dogs stayed here the other night. Next morning The Wee is up at sparrow’s first fart and he and his dogs went off for a walk in the fields. This is what he told us.

“It was great. You just wouldn’t believe the wild life I saw.”

“So what did you see then?”

“I saw two foxes and a badger.”

“Is that so? Where did you see them?”

“The foxes were in among the trees and I saw the badger crossing the lane.”

Hmmm. Call me a sceptic if you like but I’ve a feeling the only wildlife The Wee Manny spotted the other morning was the lying toad in the bathroom mirror.

Revenge

Despite my advancing years and genteel upbringing I like a bit of ‘sex’n’violence’. Obviously this only applies as long as I am not personally involved in said sex or violence. So I enjoyed reading this story about a happy slapper who got slapped right back

The guy who hit back was rumoured to be a Scouser. Go Liverpool!

Here’s the footage

Back

It wasn't easy turning in last night knowing that Paddy was lost.

I tried not to feel bad about Bert even though it was his fault (again) that they'd got away. Nine times out of ten it's Bert's fault and when he's in charge I just know they be watching him all the time for that golden moment when they can escape.

Bert asked me to wake him at eight so he could resume the search. In the event he did a preliminary search at six but no sign of the hairy fellow. I went out at seven and as I trudged back dogless I thought I'd check the sheds just in case he'd been in one when Bert closed them the previous night.

The first was the bantie shed. There were plenty of sleepy chickens but no Paddy. Then as I turned away from closing it I saw him dandering over the yard. I was so pleased. Said hello to him and brought him in to the house. He's up in bed with Bert now and I shouldn't be surprised if both of them have a lie-in.

We're beginning a stricter regime today. Dogs are going to take turns being tied to the leg of the coffee table. They'll have sofas to lie on and the lead will be long. The untied dog will be allowed to roam the yard at will. They are going to hate it but it has to be done.

In case anyone was wondering I did say the Memorare for Paddy's safe return/painless death/whatever. That prayer is always answered.

Worried

Those scunging devil dogs managed to escape early afternoon. Several scouting expeditions failed to bring them home. Rosie returned bogging just after 9pm. Paddy is still missing. This is getting silly. We've been out scouting and shouting ourselves hoarse but there was no sign of him. Now it will have to wait until morning. I'm worried.

Then we lost Attracta this morning. I thought Foxy had nabbed her but then she was found in the big shed where we store all the 'stuff' and 'things'. So next time I'm out there looking for treasure I'm likely to find an egg as well. There are three new hens now. Dympna has joined Attracta and Patsy although only Attracta is laying. Bernie the bantam is delighted with her new companions.

Animal keeping is a torture. All that responsibility and anxiety and all I get out of it is a pound of dirt a day from the dogs and one egg from the hens.

Easter In Cully

In The Village

Many of the good people of Cullybackey and its surrounding town lands attend Easter Sunday services in the Cunningham Memorial.

Less Sunday-observant folk visit the Mace supermarket for Sunday papers and other sundries.

Outside Wylie’s Bar a fight erupts. A group of spides, quite unaware of the meaning of Easter, are engaged in beating and kicking some poor unfortunate to the ground.

Meanwhile young Laura The Wee Manny, newly possessed of a driving licence, drives her parents through the village and is so mesmerised by the scenes of violence that unfold before her that she nearly drives into a lamp post. Only the roar of her mother in the back seat brings her to her senses. Her father, contented with organic chicken, rhubarb crumble, wine and Bushmills sees nothing amiss.

Outside The Village

Some of the good people of the Killyless Road are patting their big bellies after a good Easter lunch and a surfeit of chocolate Easter eggs. Stretching their legs in their back yards they see Bert Clematis-Grower and the Wee Manny stride purposefully through Bertram Acres with four fine and mannerly dogs at their heels.

‘What fine-looking fellows,’ they exclaim to each other, ‘But lo! Is that The Wee Manny fallen upon his arse? Tis! Now down goes Bert Clematis-Grower. And see! Now the Wee Manny is flat upon his face. That surely must be rough and uneven ground upon which they tread that they should stumble so.’

Happy Birthday Hannah

Happy Birthday Hannah Banana! See you later.