Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Visitor's Book

As I cannot be arsed to think up a new post I have decided to post some seasonal extracts from the pages of Nellybert’s Visitor’s Book.

…. We arrived on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately (once again) Bert went to the wrong airport. How was I supposed to know that Belfast City is the one in Belfast? Anyway Ma should have done her research properly. Everybody knows that flights from Norfolk come into the wee airport…

…. It wasn’t too awful a visit. As usual there were way too many scary aunts around. I just hid behind piles of cushions and dogs. Nelly gave me a very strange present….

…. The night I stayed there were so many people there I only got a sofa. It was my birthday too! That panelling in Nelly’s shower room is fabuloso. My projectile vomiting wiped off a treat…

…. If I weren’t an animal-loving vegetarian I’d shoot that fucking cat. Pissed all over me just as I was getting off to sleep….

…I toddled over for the New Year’s Eve party and had just the one drink. Nelly said it was a triple brandy or something like that. Very nice. But you should have seen those young ones. Bottle after bottle of stuff they were drinking. I never seen anything like it. Mind you I would have liked to try that red stuff the weans were at. Hardy Breezer they said it was called. Nelly had that oul camera out. She knows I hate getting my picture took….

…Nelly and me made pizza and salads then I played a game were all the dogs were sharks. They needed new shark names so Rosie was Peter, Scruff was Trevor and Paddy was Paul. Mammy had to chase me all round the house to try and get me to go to bed at half-twelve. Nelly tried to help her but Mammy dunted her out of the road…

…Nelly and me went for a walk and talked about life and stuff and I was telling her all about being a first-year at Slemish and about all my teachers and friends and stuff. Nelly started girning later about how we all get crumbs in the butter and spread it all over the surfaces. She kept getting me to make her coffee.

NB: Other visitors included Zoe, Dave, Jean, Jonny, Tricia, Brendan, Sadie, Naoise, Mel, PP, Jenny, Marty, Jazzer, Barbara, Martina, Ian, Lee, Martina, Caoimhe, Penny, Scruff, Macy and last, but not least, Gracie.


ed said...

Do I detect a hint of artistic license in the Nellybert visitors book?

Nelly said...

There's no foolin' the smartest man in Randalstown!

However there is a strong kernel of truth in every entry.

Bert did go to the wrong airport. Katy declared it was not her fault.

Mark is scared of the aunts. As any sensible young man would be. He is very scared of Ganching.

Pearlie did drink a very strong brandy and yearned for a Bacardi Breezer. She'll be getting one (or two) at our next visit to the offie.

Christine did celebrate a New Years Day birthday. Perhaps a little too much.

Jamie did get pissed on but he thought it was funny. Hannah was the one who wanted the cat exterminated.

The kids did all that stuff they admitted to and more that I probably haven't found out about yet.

ed said...

It was the bit about flights from Norfolk that gave it away. Sure everyone knows they haven't discovered fire, let alone flight.

Nelly said...

Oh Gawd! I knew I should never have let her go to Norfolk. It's obviously all rubbing off on her.

Anonymous said...

That was the first time Bert went to the wrong airaport for me - the other time was for the youngest.

Anyway thank you for having us - we had a nice a relaxing holiday.

Love Katkins

Anonymous said...

Visitor book? I never seen one, the house is so bloody big it took me two hours to find my coat to go home. Never been to a do in a castle before. Top night.

jazzthefunk said...

i had a marvelous visit esspescially the time with My beutiful banana , the scones were deightful as always (bit more sugar nelly thinks) and the merryment was abound. Nice to see ya'll, i always feel so welcome and that means alot. Shout out to the Norfolk possie 2 hope the move wenT smoothly.

Thank you Mary!!! : ) x

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