Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
You'd think that a bitcher that had been at death's door on a Friday night would want to be taking it easy, wouldn't you?
You'd think that a dog that sat on the vet's examination table on a Saturday morning listening to talk of, whisper it - amputation - would want to be minding herself, wouldn't you?
You'd think that a silly fool of a dog with a big pink bandage on her leg wouldn't want to be off through the fields scunging, wouldn't you?
You'd be wrong.
Luckily Bert caught her and Paddy before they'd gone too far.
And the concrete is setting on the gate posts as we speak.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
On admission: She was not at all impressed with the 'wee cup of tea, dear?'
Coul. Do they think I'm some sort of oul woman that might burn herself on a dacent drink of warm tea? I'm not drinking that oul slap.
On her nursing care:
I pressed the buzzer and they never came. I put my thumb on it and I just kept pressing it til they had to come. Just like this..
Pearlie! You're pressing it. They'll think you're wanting them!
Huh! They'll hardly be tripping over themselves! Wait til ye see.
Sure enough about five minutes later a staff member came on to the ward and asked in a desultory fashion,
Did someone press the buzzer?Pearlie and I sat with innocent faces and said nothing. Little did we know that there was a flashing red light on the wall behind us that indicated that we had indeed pressed the buzzer. She gave us the benefit of the doubt and sauntered off.
And on her fellow patients.
Yer boy to the right. I woke up the other night and he was rummaging through my knickers! I says to him 'What are ye doing! Those are not yours!' And thon other boy. He's doting! He was up the other night wandering about and asking, 'What time is it? What time is it?' I says to him, 'It's time ye were in your bed and letting other folk get a wink of sleep!'
Saturday, February 24, 2007
It’s been a hectic week at Nellybert’s. Pearlie had to go into hospital on Tuesday. She needed a blood transfusion as she had severe anaemia. She is waiting for tests and obviously we are all very worried about her. She is in fairly good spirits as the transfusion has revived her but she’s anxious about the forthcoming tests.
Rosie’s been hit with a car.
Bert was too distraught to drive so Jamie took us.
P.S. Message for D&Z
Because of Pearlie's hospitalisation we decided to send Gracie to her other grandfolks. It's probably just as well as we're a bit too distracted for dog-sitting at the moment - Rosie's accident proves that.
And Bert has decided to prioritise gates at the top of the lane.
Friday, February 23, 2007
- Sure what's the point of voting?
- They're all the same, politicians. Only out for themselves.
- My vote's not going to make any difference.
- I can't be arsed.
Our late father Seamus taught me many things and one of the most important was,
And if you're not sure how to use that vote you could do worse than take a look at this interesting wiki.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Young Loveheart doesn’t believe in wasting time hanging around the A&E department. If he needs a spot of minor surgery he just does it himself. There was the time he cut himself at work, and to the bone mind! And he looks at his gashed finger and he thinks -that needs a bit of medical attention that does. So he reached for the superglue, pressed the edges of the wound together, applied a dollop of glue and Bob’s your uncle.
He will take medical advice when necessary. The time he had the huge lump on his wrist Young Rooney’s da, the GP, just happened to be leaving young Rooney off at Young Loveheart’s place. Young Loveheart goes out to him and showed him the lump and Young Rooney’s da says - that’s a ganglion. It’s going to need surgery.
In fact the only time he’s ever had to outreach surgical services is the time he almost severed his penis on the toilet seat. But he was only about five then.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Your hair looks lovely Mum, but look there, you've got this great big dirty smudge on your brow!
Then I remembered. It's Ash Wednesday. Perhaps Matty is right and I am turning into a Protestant.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Those were my instructions and I was, I am, determined to stick to them.
On night one Gracie was left downstairs in a cosy room in her cosy basket with its silken cushion. And for several hours all was well. Then at around half three the plaintive wails began. The crying was soft and sad at first becoming harder and more distressed. Poor wee thing. Perhaps Foxy was glaring in the patio doors at her. Or if not Foxy, maybe it was Ratty was baring his yellow fangs through the glass, or perhaps it was Tufty who disturbed her sleep as he raided the garden of its remaining Brussels sprouts. I tried to ignore her cries but it was too hard and anyway I needed to sleep. Had to get up for work next day. So I went down, gathered her up and she and I and Bonnie and Holly de Cat slept together peacefully and companionably until morning.
Last night was better. I left her downstairs with Paddy for company and there wasn’t a whisper out of her. But when I went downstairs this morning there was no Paddy and no Gracie. I found them in bed with Bert and Rosie.
Tonight she must sleep in her doggy bed. Or perhaps I should do what Pearlie suggested,
I dinnae like that wee doag. I'd like to hit it a quare skite. Ye should keep it in a cage.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Nellybert has been entrusted with the task of looking after (for one week only) the most precious dog in Ballymena.
Gracie’s owners are off to
I expect Zoë went over the dos and don’ts for Gracie’s stay?
Not really. I know not to feed her from the table. What’s the rule on beds?
No more than two consecutive nights.
She gets fed at . No treats unless she does a trick. Get her to play dead or something like that. Oh and she’s been doing this choking thing recently. She usually sorts it herself but if she can’t dislodge it just put your finger down her throat. If that doesn’t work grab her by the back legs and turn her upside down whilst patting her firmly on the back.
Righty oh. Any issues with comfy chairs?
Oh no. Comfy chairs are fine.
Unless you’re already eating there yourself. She’s not allowed to be on the sofa if you’re eating a sandwich. She knows that.
If she should, God forbid, make a run towards the road you mustn’t run after her. I know it would be your first instinct but she’ll think it’s a game and run harder. What you must do is run in the opposite direction and shout “Ball!” She should run after you then.
Okey dokey.And one other thing. She hates joggers. If you’re out for a walk be careful with joggers for she’ll go after them. And watch out for Willie Drennan. She hates him.
Friday, February 16, 2007
It's two years since I first posted my Men Only Quiz. Here's a second chance to do it. Remember your hormone levels can change considerably in two years. Way back then Mr Bolan had a hormonal age of only 25!
I’m not saying there’s no such thing as the male menopause because I know a lot of Grumpy Old Gits and I’ve started to notice that some of our younger male friends are partying less and moaning more. I thought I’d devise this simple little questionnaire to help you measure your hormonal age*
Choose one statement from each part that most closely resembles your current situation.
Strength & Vitality
You push furniture around a room with your head. (2)
You can push furniture around a room with your head but only when you’re drunk and if you haven’t anything better to do. (18)
The only time you push furniture around a room with your head is when you’re receiving a jolly good seeing to. (25)Those days are over. The only furniture you're interested in is the sort you can have a comfy snooze on. (58)
You only love your Mammy (3)
You don’t like girls. (7)
Girls don’t like you (11)
Girls like you (16)
You like boys (21)
How great is it that you can buy over-the-counter Viagra now? (61)
You like a nap in the afternoon. You’re cranky at bedtime and up with the lark. (3)
You are a creature of the night. (17)
You’re up all night (21)
You like the odd early night and late morning (25)
You’re up at the toilet all night and you nap all day. (79)
Would Be Rude Not To
You could entertain yourself for hours. (14)
You entertain each other all the time (23)
You entertain each other fairly often (34)
You entertain each other once in a while (45)
You are a proper Sunny Jim (1)
You gripe a bit at bedtime (6)
Schooldays were the happiest… (14)
First love is the sweetest…(16)
…After the hurly burly (30)
Someone’s parked outside our house! (35)
My name is Victor Meldrew (65)
Total your scores and divide by five. The resulting number corresponds to your hormonal age. For further information consult your GP who will likely tell you to go and boil your head. Not that I’d agree with that point of view as I really like the idea of a male menopause. It’s companionable.
*The questionnaire is only valid for male use. If females do it they may get skewed results. For example my own hormonal age was 49!
Never worry. Sure I dug a bucket of carrots the other day. They're in one of the sheds.
Goodoh. You going to fetch them?
Mmm. Yeah. Except I can't remember which shed they're in.
I don't know what it is he gets up to that gives him such a poor recall of recent events. Anyway out he goes armed with big torch to return minutes later in a rage.
Some bastard's away with our carrots!
You're joking! Maybe you were in the wrong shed?
No! I found the bucket I put them in. They're away - every last one of them!
This was strange. Who'd nick a bucket of carrots and not even take the bucket? It's only a week or two since we were robbed of a stone of beetroot out of the tractor shed. Once again the thief (or thieves) took the veggies but left the containers.
It wasn't a pleasant thought that some vegetable thief was sneaking about our yard robbing our roots but it was very strange that they were leaving the containers behind. If I was out pinching beetroot I'd definitely take the buckets and trays they were in. So we thought again. Maybe it was Ratty that made off with the beetroot and carrots? But Ratty tends to gnaw food where he finds it. He makes a mess. Our veggie thief didn't leave as much as a leaf behind.
So this left Mr Nutkin. I truly believe that somewhere around this place there's a big-tailed grey fecker sitting on a mound of beetroot and carrots that would choke a donkey. And to think it was only yesterday I was giving out to Bert about trying to blast Tufty out of the trees. I'll be positively encouraging him from now on.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
Then I drove it to Belfast International to pick up Jamie. Don't ask me what the car looks like because I haven't actually seen it yet. It was dark. I'm told it's green.
And reporters out doing live broadcasts with no hats on! In the worst weather ever! And you take refuge in a library, probably the only building in the city not bursting with food. And you burn books to keep warm? Bert says books make hopeless fires. I wonder how he knows that?
Jake Gyllenhall was crapola and the guy who played his dad - who was he? I vaguely know his face from somewhere. One of those bland, forgettable faces.
So that's how I put in an hour and a half last night. When I could have been blogging. Blogging about the collapse of my political ambitions. For now I know I'll never lead a major political party, not with the number of people who've passed me a doozie in my day.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Hi everyone! Here I am!
Are you alright?
No. I'm not
What's wrong. Is Bert being horrible to you?
No. He's been very good to me.
Well never mind. Here's a celeriac. That should cheer you up. It's organic.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
I don't know if I'm cut out for office work. Certainly I can handle the pleasant telephone manner, "Good afternoon, this is Blah Blah Solutions. Nelly speaking." I even answer whilst
Today I mostly researched the last 35 years of Doonesbury. I reckon it could be my specialist subject in Mastermind. If Bert was a Doonesbury character he'd be Zonker Harris. I used to fancy Zonker but now I think I'd go for B.D. Was that a Freudian slip?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
*Ach it's probably just my age. And having no wheels because my car is totally banjaxed.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
But I liked David's comment. And in case you missed it -
There's a small corner of heaven reserved for mac-users. It looks a bit like an Ian Schrager boutique hotel and you get given a freshly laundered black polo neck every day.
I wish someone would give me a freshly laundered black polo every day. It'd surely be better than moulting cheap black cashmere over the office Mac.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
This year she says she wants 'no fuss'. Which is OK. Pearlie has lost over three stone since last year. She has lost her appetite and much of her mobility. There will be a 'this year' but, I fear, no 'next year'.
Friday, February 02, 2007
I have not yet mastered the intricacies of the internal phone system. When the boss is out I practice like mad and send many calls (from my mobile) to his office and it all works perfectly. But when he is in his office the phone turns on me, makes me look like a bollix when I only manage to get 1 in 3 calls patched through. He's awfully good about it though.
I must be a responsible mature person because he's off skiing all next week and I'm managing the office by myself. In fact I'm so responsible (or paranoid?) that I am already worrying that the building will burn down during the weekend.*
*If it does burn down I'll probably do time after writing the above and that will be the end of this blog.
Yay! Hi guys! Holly here! Ya know I'm the youngest one at Nellybert's now, 'cept for me and Bonnie the rest are a bunch of boring old farts. Bert's OK, Nelly is dull-dull-dull and Rosie n Paddy are beyond dull.
All Nelly does is housework and cakes and hunch over that stupid computer. She goes men-tal if I walk on it when she's doing dullness on it. Least when Bert's playing the clarinet he doesn't yell at me if I show some interest.
If I ever get the chance (as if!) I'm getting a Bebo page and this is what I'm sort of thinking about so far. Wot u think?
- Claro music
- Hanging about
- Hanging about in bags
- Hanging about with Bonnie
- Spar bags
The Other Half Of Me
- Bonnie. She's the best