Jude the Lawless

It’s been a while since I told you one of my true stories. So I thought since this is probably the last post I shall write in this room that it might be good to share with you some tales about a guy I know called Jude Lawless. I call him Jude Lawless because he’s got a few things in common with the similarly named actor. He's got the same initials; he is fair-haired, full of himself, one for the ladies and so on. There’s another little thing he’s got in common with Mr Law but I wouldn’t like to say what that is. .

Now Jude is not from County Antrim. Definitely not. Maybe it’s Armagh, maybe Down but it’s definitely not Antrim. Oh no. So if I should mention in passing a certain Hunt he belongs to it’s definitely not Antrim. OK?

Anyways the normal rules of polite society don’t apply to Jude. He’s a rebel, he’s a renegade and he’s the talk of the country. His parties are legendary. And it says a lot when I tell you that I have never attended one. Bert would not allow it. I have met Jude at parties in other people’s houses and he’s been here a couple of times but going to a party at Jude’s place would be what we Catholics call ‘an occasion of sin.’

Jude’s got a big black stallion he hunts with. I wouldn’t even go in a field with that horse. On hunt mornings Jude says to him, “Well fella, is this the day you’re going to break ol’ Jude’s neck?”

He had the Hunt round for a party one evening. They’re mostly a hard drinking crowd so he thought he’d challenge them a bit. This he did by putting a hefty amount of amphetamine sulphate into the chilli-con-carne. He decided that he’d best not mention it to them. Several members told him afterwards that it was the best party they’d ever been at and that the crack was amazing.

Then there was the barbecue he had one summer. Jude had been having a lot of trouble with a neighbouring farmer who’d let his young ram stray into Jude’s garden on too many occasions. Jude had a word with the farmer but the ram kept straying and Jude was getting really fed up with it. One evening while Jude was entertaining the farmer came round enquiring about the ram as he hadn’t seen it for a couple of days. Jude hadn’t seen it either. Before he left the farmer commented on the delicious smell of roasting meat coming from the barbecue. Jude did not give him an invitation to stay for the barbecued ram.