Pearlie Vexed

Last night Pearlie was giving off about Bert, which is a rare occurrence and as such is always very enjoyable for me. I have to be careful not to join in as she’ll then change tack and be very defensive of her ‘wee boy’, the one that’s six foot tall and 46 years of age, and I’ll be deprived of the joy of hearing his ma giving him a good redding up.

“I’m that vexed at Bertie.”

“Why? What’s he done?”

“Well you know that stuff Mrs Robinson sent me? Well I don’t even know the woman, she’s Rodney’s mother ye know and that day he was at the funeral in Portglenone Mrs Robinson sent Bertie up with that stuff ‘for yer mother’ and seein’ as I’ve niver even met the woman it was very nice of her. Anyways he comes in and he says ‘Here’s some stuff Rodney’s mother sent ye,’ and I says to him “What’s Rodney’s mother doing sending stuff up to me, sure I don’t even know the woman? What is it anyway?’ and he says, ‘It’s a ween of sausage rolls and a boiled cake and some caramel squares.’ Well I’m not that fond of boiled cake but I says I would take it anyway to have something in the house And I says to him to take the sausage rolls away for I’d never eat them just leave me one and one for the wee dog but I says tae leave me the caramel squares for I’m quare and fond of them. Later on I heated up the sausage rolls, not in the microwave mind, in the oven and started on one and the next thing he’s in again and he ate the ither one I had for the wee dog!  I didnae finish mine for sausage rolls repeat on me terrible and I put it in the dish for the wee dog but she wudn’t luk at it so I put it outside the door for the cat. The nixt day it was gone and I don’t know whether the wee dog got it or the cat or maybe one of your dogs ate it. Anyways it doesn’t matter about the sausage roll for the next evening he’s in and he says tae me ‘D’ye still have that boiled cake?’ and I says, ‘Aye. Sure I toul ye I didn’t care about boiled cake. Why? D’ye want it?’ and he says he did and away he went with it. And sure I wasn’t really caring for I’m not caring about boiled cake anyway for there’s too much fruit in a boiled cake. Anyways he was in again the next day and I had the caramel squares sitting out on a plate and when I turnt round he was away with them! I’m that vexed at him for Mrs Robinson sent them things up for me and sure I got nane of them. Why can’t he go to the shop and get his own sweet things?”

“Aye. I know. He’s desperate doing that on you.”

“Och don’t you say a word about him for he’s still my wee boy!”