You Are Feeling Very Sleepy

I have a skill that until very recently has not been used for near to four decades. I was (obviously) very, very young when I first learned to do it and, to tell you the truth, I only took it up because I had no access to drugs at the time. I didn't know then that a life fairly well-lived is far more satisfying than getting stoned.

The skill I'm speaking of is self-hypnosis and I picked it up at a time when I was interested in meditation, and sniffing salt-water up one nostril and back down the other and taking cold baths and other weird stuff that people do before they get any sex or drugs. Or was that just me?

It all came back to me when I was lying in bed one night worrying about biscuits or, to be more specific, my lack of self-control around biscuits and particularly the office biscuits and it came to me. I know, I says to myself, I'll hypnotise myself not to like biscuits, for after all they're only sawdust and sugar and lard. But then, I thought, what about home-made biscuits? So I decided I'd only forego manufactured biscuits.

I did the self-hynotising deed. It was easy. It's more than a month now and not a Kitkat, not a jaffa cake, not a chocolate digestive, not even a Club has passed my lips. Sometimes I look at the office biscuits but I just say to myself, I don't eat biscuits and I don't even like biscuits. But one weekend I made some home-made biscuits and ate a mound of those.

And that worried me for I was starting to stuff myself again - larger helpings, second helpings, too much bread. So about a week ago I decided to hypnotise myself not to overeat. I would eat anything I wanted but I would not overeat. That seems to be working too.

Of course I wouldn't advise anyone to enter into this lark without thinking very seriously about what to take action on. Too much self-hypnosis might overload the brain. But I couldn't resist another little go and this time it was something that would benefit Bert as well. I decided that I would hynotise myself not to mind Bert's clarinet playing. Not to enjoy it, just to tolerate it. You can imagine how pleased he was to hear that I wouldn't anymore be moaning at him, or asking him to shut all the doors , or trying to distract him or hinting about him building a little shed somewhere outside.

He's actually playing as I sit here. And he's playing 'Food, Glorious Food' and although it sounds pretty damnable I don't mind a bit because he's happy and so am I. And it's not making me the slightest bit hungry.

Embrace The Peckishness

This time two years ago I was three stone heavier and several sizes bigger than I am today. This time last year I was, on average, 4-5 pounds lighter than I am today. That is how it begins. Weight creeps up. I got bored with watching what I eat all the time and quitting alcohol hasn't made a lot of difference. I've decided to try this alternate day diet that is much talked about.

It appeals to me in a way that other fad diets do not, as it is only restrictive every other day. Whether the health benefits that are being touted are real or not remains to be seen. I'm not convinced. However it does seem natural that a human being should experience hunger at times. After all that is how we came through the ages. Even our parents, and certainly our grandparents, knew what it was to feel hungry. Nowadays food is plentiful and many of us graze all day long. And then we wonder why we are getting so bloody fat.

The good thing about this eating plan is that I will be able to continue cooking scrummy food and making yummy cakes. I just won't eat them every day.

Yesterday was day one. I made delicious pizza and coconut tarts. Today I ate far, far less. Tomorrow I will have some more coconut tarts. I might even make pancakes. Tonight I go to bed feeling a wee bit hungry. Apparently I am to embrace that feeling. We'll see how it goes.

Chicken Fat

I've made a couple of changes to my sidebar. Chickens are down to four since Foxy grabbed the last of the game roosters. It was that one called The One That Everybody Hates. Guess Foxy didn't hate him. Since then Plum and the remaining three ex-battery girls have been roaming free. It's not as easy for the Vulpine Fucker to grab them when they're running loose.

Meanwhile Bert has been getting the hen run ready for 16 Buff Sussex hens. We're going to try electric fencing to see if we can keep the Ginger Bastard out.

The other change is the removal of the Weight Report. I'm a tad over eleven stone now and I've been there for months on end. It's a year since I decided to get some tonnage off and it's boring now. I don't want to be skinny for I like my face too much. I can hop over and nip under barbed wire fences, climb five bar gates like a teenager, run up mountains and other stuff youse young ones wouldn't believe an old girlie could do. I fit in 14-16 clothes and I feel all right. This diet is officially over.

Swing Low Sweet Boob Of Mine

It's said that when a woman reaches a certain age she has to make a choice between her face and her arse. I choose my face but, as the regular reader knows, I have been making some rather heroic efforts at reducing the dimensions of my backside without sacrificing too much in the face department.

But nobody ever told me about the risk to my front elevation. It's large and matronly and has always been so. I remember a boy telling me, when I was about nineteen, that my boobs were like the Queen's - low slung! I was mortified. The Queen was, and still is, twenty-seven years older than me.

Back to the present day - I lament to Bert,

My boobs are destroyed with this bloody dieting. They're hanging to my waist!

He says,

Not at all.

I'm mollified. But he continues,

Sure it's just the one of them hanging to your waist.

You Might Have Missed...

Chickens - 6, Weight lost since 02/07/07 - 44 lbs

I'm sure that most of you read blogs via Google reader or somesuch application and, consequently, don't get to see the sidebar at Nelly's. Truth be told it's been pretty static for ages but there have been a couple of changes in recent weeks.

1. After an entire winter free from the fox the last of the wee game hens is no longer to be seen and we can only assume the worst. She is no more. She is extinct. Funny how you can get six game chicks, three of which turn out to be hens and three roosters and the fox only bloody eats the hens. Maybe they're easier to catch. Who knows. Anyway Bert has finally built an escape proof run (we'll see) and Plum has only got two hens to bring in with him -the last of the broilers and the Scots Dumpy. The three Game Roosters aren't getting in - unless they fly in - which they might.

2. After an entire two months with damn all weight loss I've managed to knock off another couple of pounds. Still not starving myself - just decided to stop 'nipping and ayting' after my dinner. I still haven't got under the eleven stone mark but I'm very close. The novelty of putting on skirts which slide off my hips has abated - now instead of delight I feel slightly annoyed and think to myself 'I liked that skirt'. Clothes sizing is so erratic - you just cannot go by the size label, you have to try it on. I was looking for a Spring jacket on Saturday and was shopping in one of my favourite stores, the Oxfam Shop, and the assistant said to me, 'What size are you?' and I replied, 'I'm a size 14 in the back and a size 16 at the front,' and it's true. I wonder if my back is getting smaller because of weight loss or is it because I'm developing a dowager hump?

More Diet Tips

1. Go easy on the Chardonnay


2. Fall 'til the gin

3. Drink even more gin

4. And don't forget the radishes

The Secret of my Success

There hasn't been much progress recently on the weight loss project. Naturally Christmas had its effect. Over the holiday period I gained 5 lbs. Was I dismayed? Not an iota. A small and quick weight gain comes off pretty easily when sensible eating is resumed. So when less ale and fewer cakes were consumed it started to come off again. I have now lost exactly three stone since the project began in July.

So, you'll be mad to know, what is the secret of my success? It's simple. Radishes. The more you eat the slimmer you get. So spread the word. We'll be putting in acres of them this coming year. For your supply just contact -

Nellybert

Radishes'r'us

Cully

Oh Poo!

I've got these scales that measure your weight in quarter pounds. For the past few days I've been too scared to use them.

This morning I plucked up my courage, stepped on and found that I'd gained 5 lbs. Oh well. Almost immediately I felt the urge to do poo. Afterwards, for it was a goody, I stepped back on to the scales hopeful of a small weight loss. And found that I'd gained three-quarters of a pound!

Mmmm....

I appear to have gained two pounds and it's not even Christmas yet. I blame Katy. She moved my scales. They are a very delicate instrument y'know.

Despite this setback I still intend to offer six different desserts over the Christmas holidays.

Diet Tips

Today the Yahoo home page features an awesome article on how to drop 10 lbs over Christmas. I read it eagerly hoping to be inspired. But it was crap.

Article gives advice such as don't drink whole milk, cut down on bread, eat undressed salads, drink water or fruit juice instead of soda and eat more slowly.

How are you supposed to lose this awesome 10lbs if you're not taking whole milk, salad dressings, bread or sodas anyway?

Instead I'm going to follow Swisser's advice. After all she is an internationally rated food scientist (for real). Swisser says that conventional calorie reducing diets don't work. She says that you must confuse your body by occasionally having a bit of a splurge to keep the metabolism working speedily. With this excellent and truly inspiring advice in mind I have splurged tonight on a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Yay! Defying government guide lines and conventional dietary advice in one action. The wine wasn't even red. I'm such a rebel. A drunken rebel.

Chocolate Schmocolate

Weightwise I've reached my main goal. Weightwatchers reckon it should be max 10.5 stone. I reckoned 11.5 would be pretty nifty. So that's where I am. I might go for another 7 lbs but I don't want to get too much lighter as I do have a choice to make between arse and face. And honestly, I think my face has a bit more going for it.

Folks I was 202 lbs when I started this. That was a big weight for a woman standing at 5 foot 2 inches. I was wearing size 20 and edging towards size 22. I was close to 'morbid' obesity. Now I'm just a bit chubby. Yippee! 

Once again I'm going to thank Shauna whose blog and book were a huge inspiration for me. If anybody out there feels the need to get a bit of serious weight off you could do worse than to check her out. But check her out anyway because she is a great blogger and a wonderful human being. 

You Can't Fatten A Thoroughbred

I've had quite enough of WeightWatchers. £5.50 per week just to get weighed is £5.50 I can spend on clothes or fruit or Christmas. WeightWatchers helped to get me on track and provided good motivation but I don't think I need it any more.

So I purchased some electronic scales and weighed myself tonight. I'm one and three-quarter pounds lighter than I was on Monday. But that's me bare naked so they're about the same as the WeightWatcher's weighbridge. I've got a new target now, which is to be lighter than Bert. We're about 12lbs apart at the moment. I'm not sure whether I should approach it by me losing or him gaining. Probably have to be me losing. There's no way I'll get weight on that skinny rake unless....unless I send him in to lodge with Zoe!

Best Diet Book Ever

Aaargh! No weight loss this week either. I've stayed the same and that despite trying really hard. I only drank alcohol once, I had hardly any chocolate and I walked every day. I was complaining to Ganching about it and she said,

Sure didn't Shauna spend eight months losing and gaining the same 4 lbs before she got her weight loss back on track. By the way have you got your copy of her book yet?

Thank God! It was in the post when I got back from the weigh in. Just when I needed a bit of inspiration. I wonder did she spend eight months stuck over the same four pounds?

Ups & Downs

I gained one pound this week. The lady at WeightWatchers (a new one to me) said mournfully,

Whatever happened?

I did not say,

I need a good shite.

Instead I pussyfooted around and muttered something about hitting the gin rather hard over the weekend.

Despite this setback I fit into and look damn good in three different skirts that I haven't been able to get into in over four years.

Dem end Blest

graduation 008, originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

I was really looking forward to meeting my old classmates at today's graduation ceremony. After all, the last time I saw them I was thirty five pounds heavier. I was looking forward to their gasps of astonishment at the sight of the new and more streamlined Nelly.

Imagine my horror when I found that I was expected to wear this shapeless yoke. And as if that wasn't bad enough....

This Is The World's Most Flawed Study

Standing in the queue for the weigh-in at Weightwatchers is extremely boring. I have considered bringing a book or a paper but cowardice prevents me. My fellow flab fighters would, I’m sure, take a dim view of that sort of thing. So I fall back on the old favourite – people watching. And to make it more interesting I conducted a quick little observation survey. As I’ve said before a good few of the women who attend Weightwatchers aren’t particularly chunky. I wanted to prove that to myself. My sample consisted of the twenty women who were in the queue in front of me. I excluded the two men as I find it hard to gauge the fatness of men. This was my method: I rated women on a scale of 1-5 thus -

1. Slim
2. Curvy
3. Chubby
4. Overweight
5. Fat

The total score was 55 making a mean of 2.75.

I didn’t work out their BMIs because I can’t even figure out my own and I certainly didn’t consider their waist to hip measurement. But even so, I drew the conclusion that people who attend Weightwatchers regularly certainly aren’t that fat. Which must mean it works.

This week I lost 6 lbs. That’s what laying off the booze and the heavy winter trousers does for you! Afterwards I raced off to Lidls as did the fierce looking woman with the pony tail. Since last week she had dyed her hair and dipped herself in Sadolin. She never cracked a smile and I avoided making eye contact.

This post has ben inspired by His Handsomeness.

I Blame The Government

Bert was appalled when he heard what I spend on going to Weightwatchers just to get weighed.

£5.50 per week just to stand on a weighbridge! Give me £5.50 a week and I’ll buy scales and weigh you!

But it’s not the same. Knowing I’m going in there motivates me.

And do you know that if you miss a week they make you pay extra. And if you miss a whole bunch of weeks you have to pay the joining fee all over again. That’s about £14.

It takes ages too. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people go to those classes. And some of them even stay for the lecture/talk/whatever. Instead I go to Lidls and stock up on fruit and cottage cheese.

While I’m standing in the queue waiting to pay and waiting to be weighed I watch my fellow Weightwatchers. There is one young woman who has been there since I started. She’s really big and, so far, I haven’t noticed her reducing in size. But she probably has. Three months isn’t very long when your target weight is probably half your starting weight.

There are other people who attend regularly and who aren’t even slightly fat. One woman, who I know slightly, is actually quite thin but for some reason she thinks she needs to be thinner.

There is another woman, not particularly big, who has got big bald patches behind her ears from trailing her hair back into one of those severe facelift pony-tails. Like me she gets weighed and goes to Lidls where I examine her trolley and notice that it’s full of fizzy drinks and crisps. They’re probably not for her. After all the chocolate biscuits in mine are not for me. They are for Bert. I don’t smile at her as she is too scary looking. I think she might have been the sort of girl who used to get into cat-fights at the Flamingo.

Some of the women in the Weightwatchers queue discuss what Weightwatcher biscuits they’ll be buying. I think they’re mental. You wouldn’t catch me eating their overpriced junk. Back in July I ate some of their low fat yogurt and felt quite ill.

This week for the first time ever I actually put on a pound. I was not disheartened. I blamed society and my heavy winter trousers.

Still A Big Strong Healthy Girl

My Aunt Polly would never dream of calling anybody obese or fat. She'll say something like,

Not a-tall! That young girl's not fat. Sure she's just a big strong healthy girl. Fat! Not a bit of it!

Or,

What does the doctor mean that child needs to lose weight? Sure that's a big strong healthy baby! There's not one thing wrong with that child!

Meanwhile, as I mentioned previously, I'm looking for the perfect wrap dress - the ideal solution to a slowly diminishing body shape. The last one looked great in the photograph, but then what dress wouldn't look great draped round a size 10 tailor's dummy? Drape it round a big strong healthy girl like me and there's too much bosom, too much leg and not enough drape and skim over the love handles. I'll have to keep on trying. Maybe the next one will be better.

And maybe this weekend I'll keep off the wine and cake and then on Monday, maybe, I'll lose another pound or two.

That Last Post Was Just Me Whinging

Despite being of advanced years I still get that boring thing where you feel really moody and down for a few days every month. Which is part of the reason why I was feeling so sorry for myself when I wrote the last post.

I was mean about Swisser and Jazzer too. I do love them and they love me - it's just that they love Bert more. He is much more lovable than me, not being prickly and moody and stuff...

And I had a shitty day at work on Friday which spoiled my (lonely) weekend so it's little wonder I took to the licorice and the wine.

Then I went to the FlabFighting weigh-in and didn't lose an ounce which was a bit of a bummer. So I went home and ate an entire chocolate cake. Did I fuck! I went home and jumped on my bike and went on a three mile ride. Well - I say ride. About a third of it was downhill, a third of it fairly flat and the remaining third was hills and I have to confess I walked up a good part of those. Still it was more intense exercise than I'm used to and it was a start.

Did I ever tell youse that before I met Bert I regularly went on twenty mile bike rides? Occasionally longer runs too. God I was fit then. And did I ever mention that it wasn't until I met Bert that I started smoking regularly. Spliffs of course - but that got me started on tobacco. Then when I gave it all up, over three years ago, I piled on the weight. A couple of people told me that after two years my metabolism would steady and I'd lose it again. So I ate like a savage for two years and just kept getting steadily fatter. It took another year for me to decide to do something about it. You see I was very anti-diet, fat being a feminist issue and all that. Hadn't attempted one since my early twenties. But fat is a serious health issue when your tonnage is well into the teens of stone.

Did that bike ride again this evening, still walked up most of the hilly bits. My aim is to cycle the hills eventually. I think I can do it.

After the bike ride Bert and I did a bit of digging and weeding and raking. Then we had dinner. He had pie and I had chicken and vegetable stew. He had chocolate buns and I had melon. He drank a Guinness and I drank tea. I'm getting so strong I think I could beat him at wrestling. Especially after he'd had Guinness and pie and a spliff. And if I fought dirty. Yes. It should be easy.

Diet Blog

God! I’m so depressed. Tonight I joined WeightWatchers. I’ve been thinking about it for ages now. It was every bit as grim as I’d feared.

That was two weeks ago. Tonight I signed in to be weighed for the first time since embarking on the weight loss project. Tonight it wasn't so bad. Tonight I was told I'd lost 7.5 lbs!

I was as gleeful as a gladioli and as chuffed as a chaffinch but.... being as realistic as a reindeer I know that I won't lose at this rate every fortnight. Just as well because if I did I'd be the same weight as Victoria Beckham by New Year's Eve. It's true! I did the projection. Then I'd have to become a footballer's wife and Bert would hate that. He can't stand soccer.