Not Dead Yet

Rusty and Lily. Not on the menu...yet

Tonight’s menu featured Pea and Ham Soup made from a recipe of my own devising, using split green peas of a similar age to Miss Martha. The sell by date on the packet was December 2011. The ham is that same parcel rescued from the freezer where it had been languishing since Christmas 2015. I also made a carrot cake with some middle-aged carrots that have been hanging around since Saturday last. A week is a very long time for a shop bought carrot and there probably wasn’t a vitamin left but sure the eggs were freshly laid. Which will make up for it. Thanks hens.

It is good that we have embarked upon the eating of ancient foodstuffs as our continuing existence will give hope to you all when, in the coming apocalypse, we will all be far too poor and hungry to throw out perfectly edible food.

Take it from me, times are going to get tough. I don’t think I’ll ever get the pension I so looked forward to at eighteen when I would soothe myself to sleep thinking ‘only forty-two years to go’. And when the ravening hordes come storming up the road intending to stamp through our herb garden, steal our hens and barbecue Rusty and Lily then - our young friends, Bilrus, Dave, Ben, Peter and Locky will fire on them from the tree house with home-made bows and arrows. Dave will be the Chief Archer. If the ravening hordes get really cheeky we may have to get the heavy artillery out. I hope warning shots over their heads will be enough to deter the mob.

Eating the Old

Bert whistles as he fries

Obviously I did not expire from eating historic lentils and sultanas. I even went back to the mulligatawny soup this lunchtime and it was even yummier than before. But - there was this defrosted package I wasn't too sure about. It was a meat thing, I thought it might be turkey, one of Clint's birds hatched and cooked in 2015 and hauled from the freezer near the tail end of 2016. But as any housewife knows flesh frozen for a year loses its looks and it turned out to be ham. I was dubious but Bert was gung-ho - let's eat this.

I wasn't keen but I was prepared to let him have a go as long as he operated to my strict instructions.


Chop an onion. 

He chopped it.

Now three garlic cloves.

He prepared them.

I knew I couldn't trust him to dice a carrot so I did that myself.

No Bert! Don't put the oil and onion in together! The oil needs to be heated first.

Cube the ham.

He cubed it.

Bert makes a cake

Oil and carrot were softened, garlic added, then a bit of green pepper, a nub of chilli, some leftover spice mix found on the window sill, kidney beans and a can of pulped tomatoes.

I'll make a cook of you yet Bert.

I'm a brilliant cook. Better than you!

Ha! Who thinks so? No one!

Why?

Because you never cook.

Well if I did I'd be far better than you!

I let him prepare the rice while I went to pick up Hannah.                                                      

How do I cook it?

Bert makes an apple tart. 

You're a brilliant cook. You should know.

Well I don't. Tell me!

I told him and it turned out fine. And so was the ham and bean stew. But I really should label the stuff I put in the freezer.

He's not actually cooking here. He's spinning honey from the frames but as he's in the kitchen making a mess, a very big mess, I thought I'd include it.