Rehoming Hannah

Naturally enough Hannah is not that keen on living in the wilds of Cullybackey under the intolerant and harsh regime that is Nellybert's hame. So, to escape these strictures, she has been searching for a private rental in town. And since today I have been helping her. Dear Lord but these properties are expensive. And then they'd be looking for a squillion pounds of a deposit. But despite all this we are hopeful that this will be the week that she secures a place of her own. When I first left home I got a flat in Anketell's Hotel in Antrim. This had once been a proper hotel but it had become rundown and was used as apartments. I had a living room, kitchen and two bedrooms. The toilets and bathrooms were shared and were utterly vile. I once went to the toilet during the night and stumbled on a couple making the beast with two backs and was quite overcome with the romance of it all. There was an old man who regularly stood on the stairways displaying his wizened member but I learned to ignore him. The rent was £7 per week for this 'palace of heavenly pleasure' and every Friday I placed a £5 note and two singles in the Complete Works of Shakespeare for the rent collection. Matty and Seamus were not happy about me living there as they considered the place a terrible dive. They were quite right. I had mad parties every Friday and Saturday night. The young people streamed out of Paddy Smyth's and Bobby Barron's and straight up Anketell's stairs past the wee man, blue in the face, trailing at his johnson for all he was fit. Oul Anketell evicted me for the parties and in time Anketell's was demolished to make way for the shopping centre. It's not just Hannah's search for a place of her own that reminds me of the awfulness that was Anketell's. The squalour of Tinkerton brings these memories to the fore as well. Oh how I wish I worked in a nice clean hospital. * *heavy irony

Tinkerton Blues

I started my new Tinkerton job on Wednesday. So far I find that my heart does not lie to it but that is because I am feeling sad about the demise of my old job and I miss my old colleagues with whom I felt comfortable.

I'm still redding up a bit of overtime in Spide City as there are still caretaking duties to be performed until the end of the month.

Bert planted his onion sets today which caused Pearlie displeasure. She does not approve of unnecessary work on the Sabbath Day. But what could be more necessary than laying down the onion crop?

I did a bit of gardening too behind Pearlie's back. Many years ago I planted a few miniature daffs in the wall at the back of the hostel. This year, for the first time, they were fabulous. This was because there are no residents or resident's bratlings to rip them out. Yes - they did this every bloody year the rotten vandals. So I decided I was having them back. Of course there were no garden tools so I had to dig them up with a dessert spoon. It wasn't easy but I succeeded and I have transplanted them underneath the palm tree. I shall call them my Spide City daffodils.

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 57%

Well, you don't have the worst job in the world, but it's not great. And don't worry, you're not the problem - your company is. Start looking around for another job, even if you're not totally fed up. Because in time, you're going to be dying to quit!

Should You Quit Your Job?

Tell It Again Nelly

Hannah and I spent St Patrick’s Day with Matty. We were going to take Paddy with us as a special anniversary treat but he and the bitcher escaped to go foxhunting. Bert said, “Doesn’t he know foxhunting is banned now?” but I told him that Paddy is well aware it’s still legal in Norn Iron.

So we took Matty for a drive around all her old haunts around Cargin and Carlane. She always enjoys a run out around that area and it gets her remembering her childhood years. Nearly every place we passed held a memory for her. But all the stories were the same ones she told me the last time I drove her around that area. Afterwards I told Hannah that I’d be repeating myself like that when I was Matty’s age. Hannah informed me that I was already repeating myself and that she had to listen to me telling the same stories to every person that comes into the house. That would be stories like this one.

Jenny: Ye know yer man has a fortune of money every week out of that Disability Living Allowance?

Me: Sure what’s wrong with him?

Jenny: He has no legs.

Me: No legs! Well the last time I saw him he looked like he had a helluva set of legs on him!

Jenny: Aye he has legs all right. But he applied for the DLA saying he was a chronic alcoholic.

Me: And is he an alcoholic?

Jenny: Not atall but he thought he’d try it anyway. Next thing he heared he had got the DLA because he had no legs.

Me: What did he do?

Jenny: Well he phoned them up saying that he thought they must have made a mistake but they said no it was right enough and that he was entitled to the money.

Me: Good God!

Jenny: There’s probably some poor cratur who has no legs got turned down.

Me: Or maybe yer man wrote on the form that he was always legless?

Anyways I’ve told this story to a whole lot of people and now I’m telling it to you.

St Paddy's Eve

Let Sleepings Dogs Lie...3
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

This time two years ago Paddy was languishing in the Crosskennan Animal Shelter in Antrim. He was thin as a rail and daubed with blue paint. He was not to know that the following day (St Patrick's Day) was the day his life was going to take a turn for the better. That it would be the day he came to live with us in Cully.

I'd like to thank Dee Mac who accompanied me on that trip for it was she who encouraged me to pick him. Dee Mac knows a good dog when she sees one.

How Evil Am I?

You Are 46% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Found at Tea & Toast. More evil than I

That's No Way To Get Along (Robert Wilkins)

Woke up this morning - I got the menopausal blues so bad.

Cannot decide what has brought that on. It could be that I've spent hours collating and listening to my blues music collection.

Or it could be the Stormy Weather (Ethel Waters) that is making me feel blue.

Maybe I've got the Hound Dog blues (Big Momma Thornton) because Scruff is Going Down South (R.L. Burnside) at the weekend?

Perhaps it's listening to songs like Romance In The Dark (Lil Green) and My Gal's A Jockey (Big Joe Turner) reminding me that The Thrill Is Gone (BB King) and that my libido appears to have vanished.

I do realise that all this bluesy angst is Nobody's Fault But Mine (Blind Willie McTell) and that having the Sobbin' Sister Blues (Clara Smith) is not going to Help Me (Sonny Boy Williamson) one little bit.

So I'll go out Walkin' The Dog (Rufus Thomas) because I've got Ramblin' On My Mind (Robert Johnson) and I'll hope they don't go off on a Fox Chase (Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee) and then I'll see if that doesn't head off these Crazy Blues (Mamie Smith)

The Wisdom of Banjo Man

The Wisdom of Banjo Man
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

There was an oul bluegrah session at the Wile Duh the other night. Marty was in fine form both during and after. It's a little known fact that he is an astute commentator on matters political, cultural and theological.

His take on the death of Slobodan Milosevic was, "See Milosevic is dead. He'll be going to hell for sure."

He argues that Catholics are better musicians than Protestants and claims, "Sure youse ones only have oul dour tunes and ye's have no rhythm. Us taigs have rhythm in our blood. Ye should have heard them weemin bangin' the binlids in Belfast durin' the Troubles. Pure rhythm."

In addition to having rhythm and a fine mind Marty is also in possession of a tolerant life-view and a GSOH. Which is why he didn't mind a bit when the whistle-player with Tourette's Syndrome shouted out 'baldy bastard' every time he walked past him.

the dog who dances by himself

the dog who dances by himself
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

The Kerry Sister and Brendan will be back on Irish soil tomorrow after a long break in SE Asia. I'll say they'll be up for their dogs pretty soon.

We are going to miss Scruff so much. I'm already feeling sad about his return to Dingle.

I don't know what we're going to give him for a leaving present. Zoe has knit Macy a sweater.

Just had a drinkin', walkin', talkin' and singin' weekend with the Banjo clan. But there were few opportunities for bloggin'.

A Very Sad Story

I was telling Hannah and Bert about this very sad story I'd read in The Sun.

Nelly: This couple they got married the other Saturday. They were both really fat. She was about a size 22 but he must have been about 30 stone but they had their wedding and they were both so happy and you could tell they were both so attractive even though they were really fat - they looked so nice, they were really happy. Been together for seven years. They were soul mates. They went to bed at about 3am. He told her he loved her. She told him she loved him. They went to sleep. She woke up at around 10am and turned to him and he was dead! They hadn't even been married for 24 hours!

Hannah: Awww! That is so sad. It must have been all the excitement.

Bert: It just goes to show....

Nelly: Just goes to show what? That you shouldn't get so fat?

Bert: Just goes to show you shouldn't get married.

Communal Showering

I usually work 24.5 hour shifts with a sleepover period. The sleeping bit is never as good as sleeping at home. So when I get home, no matter how little I've done at work, I'm always tired, maybe a little stressed.

When I got home yesterday I was informed that our dogs were locked into a shed. They'd been out on the tear all morning and were, according to Bert, a 'bit dirty'. When he let them out they were barely recognisable. Just dog-shaped lumps of glaar & muck. Washing them was going to be a filthy job. But what better way to unwind after the hard grind in Spide City than a nice relaxing shower with the dogs? I have to say though that they didn't enjoy it as much as I did.

Birthday Tunes

The UK number 1 single on her birthday was:
Three Degrees - When Will I See You Again? (liked this one)

The UK number 1 single on her birthday was:
Rod Stewart - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? (In a word Rod – No. Not then and not now.)

The UK number 1 single on her birthday was:
Goombay Dance Band - Seven Tears. (I don’t remember this one as I was too busy reclaiming the night and being a mad feminist to pay attention to pop music)

The UK number 1 single on his birthday was: Elvis Presley - A Fool Such As I / I Need Your Love Tonight (indeed he is and indeed I do)

The UK number 1 single on my birthday was: Mantovani - Song from 'The Moulin Rouge'. (which sounds awfully olde worlde)

I found the link at Born To Boogie

Conversations With Pearlie

Nelly: I suppose you've heard I lost my job?

Pearlie: I did. What are ye goin' to do aboot it?

Nelly: I'll have to look for another one.

Pearlie: Ye'll need to. Ye cannae expect Bert tae keep ye sittin' aboot like a lady!

Nelly: Aye you're right there. It would take one of us to be working.

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Pearlie (disapprovingly) : Who put that oul collar on the cat?

Nelly: Bert did.

Pearlie: Och well. I suppose it's a good idea. Has it a bell on it?

Nelly: Aye it has.

Pearlie: That'll keep him off the wee birds then.

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Nelly: Do you want some dinner?

Pearlie: What is it?

Nelly: A nice bit of chicken.

Pearlie: No. I'll not be atin' chicken until this oul bird flu is by.

Nelly: You can't get bird flu from eating chicken.

Pearlie: Well I'll no be atin' it!

Nelly: Did you go off beef that time the foot and mouth scare was on?

Pearlie: I did.

Nelly: Aye. I was reading in the paper yesterday that it's the same eedjits won't eat chicken now as wouldn't eat beef then.

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Pearlie: I'm that sick wae sittin' in that oul cart traipsin all roon the backend o' Slemish before I get hame.

Nelly: Why don't you ask Bert to pick you up from your club on Tuesdays.

Pearlie: Och I couldnae do that. Sure he has enough to do the craytur!

Nelly: Aye. Supppose you're right. He needs as much clarinet practice as he can get.

I Need To Get Out More

Maybe it's escapism after the worries I had last week but I've become Ebay-addicted again. I seem to have spent the last 72 hours (when I wasn't working) on a frenzied hunt for curtains and devon ware pottery. What is it about Ebay that makes me think that I really must have a pair of huge curtains with a galloping wild horses print? Why have I suddenly decided that my life is worthless unless I have a collection of souvenir jugs from the south-west of England? If I were a rich woman I'd already be booked in for therapeutic help.

If I win these horse curtains they will probably be the craziest object I've ever bought on Ebay. The current crazy object prize belongs to the huge quilt with appliqued biblical characters.

I really must get out more. Matty needs to lift her pension. I'll take her out and we'll visit some charity shops. Charity shops are full of curtains and pottery....

What A Week!

What a week this has been. I lose a job, I find a job, two separate persons (a man & a woman) are seeking my (financial) help in realising assests in Africa and now I'm informed that I've won One & A Half Million Euros in a Netherlands Lottery! Wow!

So why do I detect a faint odour of Rat? Am I just too cynical for my own good?

Slim While You Sleep

fat cat
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

I was reading today that researchers are looking into the effect that sleeping has on metabolism and obesity levels and it seems there is some evidence to suggest that the sleep deprived tend to be fatter than those who get a good night's sleep.

And as modern life styles do not encourage healthy sleep patterns this could be one of the reasons why there is an obesity epidemic.

I read this and I looked at Bert, 6 foot tall and as lean as a whippet, a man who normally sleeps from midnight to at least 10am and would also take a wee nap during the day.

Then there is myself - 5'2" long and near as wide. I'm rarely sleeping before midnight and then I'm up with the lark. I get even less sleep when I'm in Spide City. So maybe there is something in it.

But if there is a connection between sleep and fatness it definitely does not apply to cats. Harry de Cat sleeps his life away and he's turning into a big fat fecker. As you can see.

Curtains Schmurtains

Lizzie & Pearlie
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Who needs curtains when you can dress your windows with sweet lil ol' ladies.

If anybody is interested I have several to spare. They are easy to feed. All they need is a wee sup of tay and a bit of soda bread and jam 4-5 times a day.

Some help with corsets may be required on occasion.

The Coalminer's Daughter's Dog

black rosie
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Rosie goes from black & white to solid black after a morning spent trying (unsuccessfully) to dig out foxes.

Bad News Good News

The bad news is I will not be getting any redundancy pay.

The good news is I will not be needing it.

Curtains

“Curtains shmurtans. I've been in this house for 14 months now, and the living room, bathroom and kitchen are yet to be considered for curtains. Or lampshades for that matter...”

So sayeth His Edness when I commented on Flickr that my entire house lacks curtains. But I do have lampshades. Upstairs the lampshades were an original feature of the house pre renovation and they’re rather pretty hand-painted glass ones. Downstairs doesn’t need lampshades for it’s all ceiling lights and stuff. I don’t know whether I like them or not but McSquirter said they were the last word. Hannah has written about McSquirter and his quest to get us the perfect picture on RTE. He would not be bate on this and for about three weeks he was here constantly trying this booster and that booster. From late October to the middle of November you’d be pootling around maybe just out of bed and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and McSquirter would rush past carrying yet another TV-optimal viewing device under his arm. We didn’t actually give him the run of the place but he took it anyway. Which is why I do have a rudimentary curtain on the upstairs bathroom. For some reason (I forget) it was decided that one of the bathroom windows should be clear glass. There was talk of lying in the bath admiring the view. Never mind that the view is of a half-demolished turf shed but it seemed a good idea at the time. Until one morning I’m sitting on the toilet, looking out the window and see McSquirter peering up at me. Well actually I think (I hope) he was focussed on the angle of the arial but it gave me a very bad shock. Before midday the window had heavy lace tack-gunned against its frame. I’m actually a bit surprised that Ed, a city dweller, hasn’t put curtains up in 14 months. Either he leads a blameless life, he’s totally shameless or he’s very unconventional. Even Clint tried a bit of window dressing. Only the other night he said,

“I’m clean pounded.” “What were ye at?” “Wrestling way a set o’ curtains. But they bate me. I was all tangled up in them. I may wait till Sis comes to visit. She knows the workin’ o’ curtains.”

And our RTE picture? Thanks to McSquirter’s determination it’s fine now. Which is as well or we wouldn’t be able to watch Lost and would be waiting forever for Channel 4 to screen it.

Careers Advice

Young Rainey called this afternoon. He was on his way back from a Job Fair in Belfast (he hates that call centre job) and was armed with sheaves of brochures. On hearing that I was soon to be unemployed he started suggesting the sort of jobs I should be going for, “support staff for the Police, Civil Service, banking, IT, start your own kennels with added web cam, flower delivery service…” My head was reeling. What Young Rainey sometimes forgets is that although we’ve both got a 2 and a 5 in our ages my numbers are the other way around from his.

What I do appreciate is his advice on is free music downloads, removing Hannah’s photo-sharing from my PC and how to convert mpegs to whatever I can play on my car stereo. Actually I’ve forgotten that last one so if anyone cares enough?

We then had a really good conversation on being boy-racers and how we’re both so over it.