Lottery Thoughts

I'm listening to a Radio 4 discussion on lotteries. Some one has just trotted out the one about the National Lottery being a tax on the poor. Mm. Maybe. But at least it's an optional tax.

Bushwhacking

Sometimes I'm too busy to blog much. There are things to be done in the garden. Bert does them and I take the photographs. This evening we are going to cut down over grown shrubs. I like watching men work. Especially when they are doing skilled and macho activities like operating chainsaws. I tell Bert that it turns me on to watch him chopping and wrenching and doing manly things. This encourages him.

Another one bites the dust.

Bert is very pleased that he has killed that tree.

The buddleja davidii might prove to be a tough customer. Time to wheel out the antique tractor.

Bye-bye buddleja davidii. Can that be butterflies I hear? Weeping?

Then off for an evening stroll up the back lane followed by....

... a nice cup of tea.

The Joy of Chickens

The Hen House

The hens of Springhill talk to our reporter about their life in Cullybackey.

Reporter: So how long have you been living here ladies?

Attracta: Well Patsy and I have been here for yonks. Maybe three months now. Dympna came later and wee Bernie has been here a lifetime.

Reporter: And are you happy here at Springhill?

Dympna: Happy? Happy is not the word for it. Living with Nellybert here in Springhill is sheer, utter ecstasy. I was down with Clint for a while but to tell you the truth that crowd of fowl that he has there are a complete shower. They would have ate the arse of you as soon as look at you. And I mean ate the arse of you literally. I hadn't a tail feather to my name when I came here. But Attracta and the girls are lovely and made me very welcome. Plus the grub's better here.

Reporter: If you don't mind me saying you have a lovely set of tail feathers on you now.

Dympna: I have, haven't I? I'll admit I'm rather proud of my booty. Nelly calls me Dympna Fluffybum.

Reporter: Bernie you were here all along. What do you think of your new companions?

Bernie: Oh they're not bad. I'd been lonely for a long time ever since my sister Bianca died. Mind you they've short memories because when they first came I totally took them under my wing. They looked up to me. They had to because I was the only one able to roost in the rafters. But now they're more settled they forget that I'm the senior hen around here. But still what can you expect of hens brought up in a battery cage. No real refinement.

Reporter: So what is your typical day like?

Attracta: Nelly lets us out of the house in the morning.

Dympna: And feeds us. Yummy corn and stuff.

Patsy: Then we head off to the lawn.

Bernie: They call it a lawn. It's more like a rough field.

Dympna: But we like rough fields. We potter around the compost heap as well. We like our five portions of fruit & veg too y'know.

Attracta: Dympna or Patsy might lay an egg. I'm not laying at the moment. Bernie might lay one as well but she's very sleekit and you'd never find it.

Bernie: It's no business of yours whether I lay an egg or not!

Attracta: Well all I'm saying is it's not very loyal to Nellybert after all they do for us.

Bernie: Shut your beak!

Nelly's reward - a new laid egg

Reporter: Girls, girls! Calm down. Now Patsy you're very quiet. How have you found living with Nelly and Bert?

Patsy: I adore Nelly.

Dympna: She's Nelly's wee pet.

Reporter: Are you Patsy?

Patsy: I don't know. She is always picking me up and stroking me.

Attracta: That's because she can catch you easiest what with your gammy leg and all.

Patsy: Nelly was very kind to me at the start. When my leg was really bad just after I came out of the cages she'd hand feed me when youse ones wouldn't let me near the food.

Dympna: You soon learned to hold your own in that department you gorb!

Patsy: I need to keep my strength up.

Attracta: Then there's you sitting like a lady in the crook of Nelly's arm while she goes about the place lifting pots and stones to find you slugs to eat.

Patsy: Mmmmmm... slugs. So yummy.

Reporter: It sounds like you're all pretty spoiled here.

Patsy: Mmmm. Maybe. I heard Nellybert's friend Swisser saying that Nelly won't be happy until we're all roosting at the end of her bed. I'd like that.

Dympna: There's one thing I'd like.

Reporter: What's that?

Dympna: A Cock.

Attracta: Honestly Dympna!

Dympna: Pity to waste the best bit of booty in Cullybackey.

Reporter: Ahem! Well we'll finish here I think. Thank you ladies. I've enjoyed talking to you and I'm sure the readers will too.

Paddy supervises the chicken's breakfast

Bernie sneaks off

Katy and Mark's Garden...

vege patch June 06
Originally uploaded by KatyKatkins.

..guesting today at Nelly's.

Chip off the old block or what?

If youth knew; if age could

Yesterday, upon observing a young couple heading off for a walk, I thought, and not for the first time, that youth is wasted on the young.

They were both about seventeen. He was tall, gangly and wearing a beige woolly hat pulled low on his head like a condom. She was slim and bespectacled, slightly stooping with arms folded over as if she wanted to hide her breasts. They both looked awkward and shy of each other. Maybe it was their first date?

But there they were. Both fairly attractive, both lithe, healthy, smooth skinned and young! And you could tell they didn't give a fig for it.

They were cut from a different cloth than Jaunter and his moll but were no more appreciative of their youth and vitality than that sorry pair.

Don't Touch My Stuff!

I’ve had a touch of blogrot going on and it is all CyberScribe’s fault. This Nelly for No. 1 thing makes me nervous and piles on the blogging pressure as well. But here we go and in the best blogging tradition I am going to start with a rant.

I totally hate people who mess with my things. I thoroughly despise people who, in the guise of ‘helping’, put my kitchen stuff in illogical places. Today I was going to make Bert some delicious soda bread to eat with the delectable chicken* broth we created yesterday and I go to my trusty Magimix and find that some bloody tosser has lost/mislaid the blade. It can only be one of two people.

First in the frame is Jazzer. Yes you, you scatty bitch. I know your sluttish ways. You just push everything into cupboards, under carpets and below cushions; God knows where it will turn up if it was you put it away. I sincerely hope not under a cushion or some poor cratur could end up with a lacerated arse.

Second in the frame is Swisser. She is an academic and therefore without a shred of common sense. The blade could be anywhere. Or – in a fit of jealous fury at my superior baking skills and refusal to give her recipes – honestly Swisser I just throw things together, I never use recipes – she has either binned it or hid it in some crazy place.

So now that I’ve got that off my chest I present a list of possible blog topics I’ve been mulling over.

• The joy of chicken keeping


• Breasts (not chicken-related)


• The role of Chep pallets in the Ulster loyalist tradition


• What shall we do about Harry de Cat?

Any preferences?

*Not from a chicken we knew

An Invasion of Feral Children

Do you like anagrams? I do.

Here are some of the things I was called at work last night. They are in the form of anagrams so as not to offend the more sensitive among you.

Aft, zirfzy, fcuker, salg, sult and whero.

These epithets were hurled at me during an invasion of feral children. They were not part of our client group.

At least one of the children was drunk. He might have been fourteen. The youngest child was around four or five and he was the most foul-mouthed. It was only a small comfort to me that he probably did not know what he was saying. But I know he knew it to be foul. This is the future.

A Cure For Shingles

Matty and lilac
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Since this photograph was taken Matty has attended a wedding, rode the London Eye, introduced her youngest grandchild to the rest of the family and, unfortunately, got shingles.

It's amazing how many people have had shingles and how many stories there are about the condition. I've heard that it can last from one month to five years to forever. It's said to be the worst pain ever. Ben McKillop took to his bed with the shingles and hasn't rose since. But then again Ben is 86.

But there are many with the cure for shingles. Dympna down the road knew somebody who worked in a pub in Ahoghill who had the cure passed to her from an old man who used to drink there. This woman passed the cure on to Matty via a telephone call. It's amazing what can flow down the telephone lines in the 21st century.

Anyway it seems that Matty thought the cure was truly shiteous and is going to have to rely on the miracles of modern medicine. God love her.

Wishing her all the best for a speedy recovery.

Poorly Again

I'm not feeling very well today. I've got an aching head and a queasy stomach. Every time I stand up I feel weak and dizzy.

But looking on the bright side Bert did pay me a lovely compliment and, as I may have mentioned before, Bert's compliments are as rare as hen's teeth.

He said, "I really admired you last night. You're brilliant at drinking gin!"

Damn!

The recent wedding got me thinking and I just had to do this quiz.

He's Never Gonna Pop the Question

At least not to you, in this lifetime You're guy's not serious about marrying you Sorry to break the bad news... but it's time to move on Good news? There are plenty of marriage ready guys out there... But you've got to be single to meet them!

Is He About To Propose?

Not very promising is it?

Name Calling

Bert: So everyone thinks he's a scumbag then?

Nelly: Not everyone. Some think he's a maggot and then there are others who hold the opinion that he's a cheap lousy faggot.

"..whatever you say, you say nothing"

Sometimes it’s hard to be an Englishman in Norn Iron. Poor Jamie has not been brought up to suss people out the way us locals have learned to. Take the other evening. He was out enjoying the ‘craic’ with the neighbour and the talk came round to families. Jamie said he was from a small family. The neighbour said he came from a large family. It’s a cultural stereotype and Jamie knows it but he says anyway,

Oh that’s because you’re Irish!

Oooh- er! His neighbour turns out to be ‘Not Irish’. What Jamie doesn’t realise, being from England, that there are parts of Ballymena, most of Ballymoney and many other places in Norn Iron where ‘Not Irishness’ abounds.

Now as most people know I don’t really go in for politics on this blog. Politics makes me dizzy and if I get dizzy I might fall off the fence. I’m OK with people being ‘Not Irish’ but the situation that Jamie found himself in bothers me a lot. What’s the problem? Don’t be Irish if you don’t want to be. But why jump down someone’s throat or take offence if someone thinks that just because you live in Northern Ireland that you might be Irish God Forbid!

Whilst in England in the 1970s I was frequently ‘accused’ of coming from Scotland. I explained that I was actually from Northern Ireland and I did not take offence at the assumption. I do realise that cultural identity is important to many people living in this place but there is no need to get surly just because someone doesn’t get the Ulster, Northern Ireland, and British thing. Being a bit more easy going about it might help to allay that other cultural stereotype which is - Ulster Protestant = dour and humourless.

And if anyone wants to know I consider myself to be from County Antrim and I’m Irish, Northern Irish and British. If I have to pick one, say for administrative purposes, I’ll say British. That is until some government, somewhere, someday decides that I’m not.

Muswell Hill

My sister the bride observed the tradition of not meeting with her husband on union day until the very moment they met before the registrar. So the groom stayed at a hotel in Muswell Hill the night before the wedding. He wasn’t too lonely as there were ten of the wedding party staying there too. I can report that the condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.

Where We Stayed

Muswell Hill is a good place to stay. It’s very good for cab-riding pensioners who have no intention of getting on a tube. Which was just as well as the nearest tube station is a smart ten minutes walk away from where we stayed. On the other hand the hotel was a five-minute stroll from a fine shopping area full of excellent shops and restaurants. To Matty’s delight there were even three charity shops. To Aunt’s delight there were lots of much more expensive shops. Uncle was stoic about it all as he can’t be bothered with any kind of shops at all.

As you’d expect it’s rather steep up around Muswell Hill and Highgate. It means that you can look down on the Thames valley and the City. I got my first glimpse of the Gherkin from Muswell Hill Broadway.

City View

The hotel wasn’t far from Highgate Wood. On the hottest June day in about a hundred years I took a relatively cool walk through the woods. But even the squirrels in there were lolling around fanning themselves.

Highgate Wood

Of course the area is steeped in history. Muswell Hill was once part of the Forest of Middlesex and the present day wood is a remnant of that ancient forest. Its views over the Thames and Lee valleys have made it a very pleasant place to live over the centuries, providing a rural, wooded retreat for those who could afford it. It escaped urbanisation until the very end of the nineteenth century.

But the Muswell Hill area has had some recent unpleasant history too. Just around the corner from the hotel is Cranley Gardens, where Dennis Nilsen’s career as a serial killer came to an end.

The hotel is circled red. The wood begins on in the SW corner of the map. Cranley Gardens is just across the road. I didn't go there.

June 10th 2006

Jean & Jonny
Originally uploaded by KatyKatkins.

Ganching said everything that needed to be said.

All I can add is that we had a fabulous day. My sister was lovelier than the day and her husband was rightly proud of his bride.

We're glad to have him in the family. Everyone needs a little legal advice from time to time and a country song to help them through the hard times. And the good times.

Friend of Bono

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Hearts and Flours

I baked Bert an apple pie this evening. Just to remind him of why he loves me. Then I took a mad race down to the garage to buy a new set of rechargeable batteries for my camera. As usual, for that time of the evening, the garage and the forecourt were packed with good ol’ country boys standing around passing the time with each other. I couldn’t help but notice a few appreciative looks coming my way and put it down to my new haircut.

When I got back Bert said,

You never went down to the garage like that did you?

I looked down and saw that a couple of shirt buttons were open and that I’d been displaying a good portion of my generous bosom clad in one of my fine new brassieres. I said,

I was wondering about all those oul boys smiling at me.

He said,

Och it was likely you being covered in flour that pleased them. Those oul boys like a bit of home baking too.

London Bound

I'm off to London tomorrow and won't be back until Monday evening. Everybody enjoy your weekend! I hope I do too.

The scunging devil dogs are sooo excited as Bert is no good at minding them so they'll be looking forward to a mad weekend hunting rabbits on the Loan Hill.

They escaped today even though Rosie was tied. I was expecting the postman y'see. She took off with her new red lead trailing behind her. Pearlie thinks Paddy untied her.

No news on the chewed postman. Apparently nobody back at the sorting office cares about him. When he said to the rest of the fellows that he got bit on the Dreen Road they all knew straight away who was the bad bitch did the deed.

So Rosie got ye then?

According to what I'm told they've got a photograph up of Rosie in our section of the sorting office with a notice saying 'Beware of Rosie.'

Whammling the Bantie

Bernie the bantam became a singleton when the fox took her sister Bianca. For over a year she wandered this yard a sad and lonesome bantie. Never an egg did we see. Then along came Attracta, Dympna and Patsy and she cheered up. This must be where the expression ‘chirpy’ comes from for Bernie chirped, chirruped and chucked from morning to night. Previously she had only been heard to squawk. Queen of the hen house she was. She even started laying the occasional egg.

Then she started making a chookling noise. “There’s no point letting her clock on sterile eggs!” Aunt Lizzie declared. “Ye must whammle her.” I was intrigued. What was whammling?

Whammling involves putting the clocking hen in a dark enclosed place and leaving her there until she stops clocking. So we put Bernie under a clematis crate. She was outraged. I didn’t like doing it for it seemed cruel. But then she escaped. She had stopped making the chookling noise so I thought she was ‘off the clock’ but Lizzie said, “She’s only trying to trick you. Clocking hens are very crafty.” The next thing was she disappeared completely. We searched and searched but there was no sign of Bernie. We assumed she had decided to make a new nest outside and fully expected to see her in the morning. That’s if the fox didn’t see her first.

We didn’t see her on Saturday morning. Or Sunday, Monday or Tuesday. Oh well. Foxy must have taken her. On Wednesday I followed his pad fully expecting to see a trail of black feathers but there was nothing. Then on Wednesday evening Bert heard a faint chook, chook coming from the wee cupboard the central heating boiler is in. He opened the door and out staggered Bernie. She had a drooth on her that took 15 minutes to sate. Then she ate two helpings of corn and a slice of wheaten bread. Then she drank lots more water. Then she went scraping with the other hens. Scrape, scrape, scrape with the feet. Step back to see what you’ve got. Then more scrape, scrape, scraping.

So maybe next time Lizzie says, “Whammle that hen,” we should keep her whammled. It's either that or ask Clint for the lend of the rooster.

Not Scared Of The Devil...

Martha 1939
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

...and not at all impressed by Noel Edmonds. Go Matty.

The Number of the Beast

I met Kerry Sister today for lunch in Ballymena and she was telling me about the things she and Matty have been talking about recently. They’d been having a conversation about men who wear beards and Noel Edmonds in particular. What Matty said about Noel Edmond’s beard was so dreadful and so funny that when Zoë bumped into us at Broadway I was laughing so hard I had to lean against the wall to support myself.  Mothers and daughters heh!  There is me not able to even hint at what Matty said about Noel Edmonds for fear of losing her sweet little old lady credibility forever and there’s Zoë having to suffer the sight of her mother laughing herself into near public incontinence.  

Here’s something else they discussed.

Matty: They don’t seem to bother so much with the telling the weans about the Devil in the schools these days.

Kerry Sister: No. They wouldn’t want to be putting the children off with all that scary talk about hell and the devil. That really scared me when I was young. I was terrified of the devil.

Matty: I must have been odd then for I wasn’t scared of the devil.

Kerry Sister: Weren’t you?

Matty: No. I was scared of God.

Kerry Sister: God? Why?

Matty: All those rules.