What's Up, Nelly?

So what has been happening in Nelly’s Garden? Nothing untoward. I worked, I drank, I ate brownies, I went for long walks and visited friends and parents. Now I am on holiday again.

So what is new? Well if Kerry were a person instead of a dog she would be homeless under the 1994 Housing Act. I called on Matty yesterday and she was up there about high doe saying that Kerry was too wild and was going to be responsible for giving her a heart attack. Seems Kerry has been trying to round up Cousin John’s sheep and this has been causing Mum a lot of problems. I was instructed to take her away with me.

The dog is amazingly easy to train. Less than 24 hours after coming into this house she is trained to the sofa and the bed. She is well versed in cat harassment and has grasped the rudiments of postman chasing.

We went to Gillies last Sunday night. Swisser, Bert and I walked over. It was a strange experience to go on the very familiar river path in the dark. The smells and sounds were very good. A smell of damp vegetation and a hint of curry. The sound was of the river and distant, exploding fireworks.

We met friends in the bar including Mad Dog who was looking uncharacteristically smart and clean-shaven. He confessed that he was fed up of drinking in Ballymena as he was always abused about his appearance. “Before I shaved it off I had a real Taliban beard going and the last time I was in the Fair Hill Bar I got told to get back to Serbia. I decided to ignore the arsehole but he kept going on about it. Eventually I cracked and asked him what his problem was – I didn’t come from Serbia. He says where are you from then, and when I said Portglenone he said, might as well be Serbia.”

So no more town for Mad Dog. He finds it particularly galling as he no longer has dreadlocks and has generally cleaned himself up. He said that when he had the locks people would say to him “Hey! Bob Marley! You want to fight then?” He said they’d be taking off their coats and rolling up their sleeves. He said he often wondered was there some part of Marley’s career he had overlooked, like the time he was a boxer.

Monday was seeing Mum and Dad and taking Kerry for her last injection. On going into the surgery we met Our Cousin, The Vet and happily jumped the queue and got free treatment. Matty was very well pleased with Her Nephew, The Vet.

Yesterday Jazzer and I set off for Toys,R,Us in Whiteabbey. Jazzer did the directions which were hopeless and we got lost. Typical Belfast-bred and she hasn’t a clue how to get anywhere. Before we found Toys.R’Us we found Woolworth’s where I bought a DVD player and some kitchen scales. I have decided to become a champion baker of cakes. We did find the shop eventually. I cannot say what was purchased, as to do so would contravene The Santa Act, 2004.

Which reminds me – Hannah has got another job. She isn’t going to work in Toys’R’Us (Stoke branch) anymore. She has got a job in a department store as a Christmas Elf. At least she is staying in the field.