In Search of the Perfect Mop

I wrote this in 2006, proof that mops and mopping have been on my mind for a long time.

HOW TO BRING YOUR WANDERING MAN BACK HOME

You will need a cauldron of boiling water, a broom and a floor mop. To the cauldron of boiling water, you may add any of the following potions or powders. Do not mix these potions or powders for the results may be catastrophic and you could blow up your happy home. You should add to the cauldron of boiling water PARAZONE or FLASH or MR MUSCLE.  Next, take your broom and thoroughly sweep your floor. Then take your floor mop and dip into your potioned or powdered cauldron. Use your floor mop to clean your floor. When the floor is beautifully clean lean on your floor mop and admire your handiwork. It is at this stage that your man will arrive home and will begin stomping all over your lovely clean floors with his big dirty feet. Works for me every time.

Like my mother and her mother before her, I started out with the galvanised metal bucket and string mop. That was a lot of hard work, carrying the water, the mopping, the rinsing and always the feeling that the mop itself was a filthy old thing even if I did occasionally steep it in bleach - which perished the fibres.

In 2007 Bert bought me the Ladybug Combo Wringer unit

I was very taken with it at first. It had wheels and the wringer unit was very efficient. It was very robust but you would have needed muscles like Popeye to operate it and it slopped water all over the place. It was back to the string mop. 

Then in 2013, Marty told me about the Whizz Mop. He'd bought one for Jazzer and she was delighted with it. Just like Bert, Marty knows the type of gift that a wife will cherish. I rushed out and bought one.

Now, this was a mop. Easy to operate and with washable mop heads. I liked. Of course, there was a fatal flaw. Despite being more expensive than the other mops it was flimsy and it broke. So did Jazzer's mop. I liked it so much I went out and bought another one and swore to be gentle with it. It lasted a few months. Back to the galvanised bucket and the string mop.

I wasn't alone in my search for the perfect mop. Jazzer too shared my hopes and dreams and eventual bitter disillusionment. She had given up on mops entirely and was cleaning her floors on her hands and knees and that really upset Marty and Ben because, you know, men coming home and trampling all over clean floors in search of sandwiches and the like. They felt bad. But they were hungry. So Marty too was looking out for the perfect mop.  At last, in late 2018, they thought they'd found it in Antrim Asda. As soon as I heard I raced to Asda but the mops had sold out. I turned to Google and found the nearest thing to Jazzer's new mop in Lakeland. The E-cloth Deep Clean Mop. Cheaper than the Whizz Mop. Didn't need detergents. Detachable and washable microfibre pads. 

I was so looking forward to its arrival and on the day it was due I stayed close to home but popped down to the polytunnel for ten minutes to check on some perennial seedlings. When I got back there was a note on the door. Sorry I missed you. Your parcel is in the shed at the front of the house. There is no shed at the front of the house but there are nine at the back. It took me about twenty minutes to locate it. But when I did! It was the best, I immediately started mopping floors and strangely enough Bert did not come home until they were all dry. The best mop ever. Even better than the one Jazzer got in Asda. So Marty said. But  she was not to be outdone. She bought yet another mop, this one with an attached sprayer for detergent. Silly nonsense. I'm delighted with the Lakeland E-Cloth Deep Clean mop and my floors have never been so clean. No buckets or detergent are necessary and the floors dry so fast that Bert just can't get home quick enough to trample them.

A true story and proof that dreams can come true.