One From 20 Years Ago: Clint Has Left The Room

 

The first person I knew with Internet access at home was Bert’s oldest friend Clint. All we knew of the Internet in those days was that there was a vast amount of information and access to free porn. Oh yes … and chat rooms. So for a while, Clint was the Internet expert. When he first used a search engine he typed the word ‘potato’ and was so excited by the results that he surfed the web for four hours steady. By the end of the week, there wasn’t anyone else in Kells who knew more about spuds than Clint. So this night Bert went over to visit him and to view this new-fangled surfing the web. Clint showed him how to log on to the Internet and look at the huge amount of information on potatoes that was there for the asking. Bert marvelled at all this. Then he asked –

“D’jever luck at the porn Clint?”

“I wudnae waste ma time." 

“What about the chat rooms?”

“D’ye wantae see the chat rooms?”

“Aye. I wudn’t mine seein’ them.”

So with that Clint started tapping away at the keyboard. He found a chat room and logged on. Within a moment Debby was requesting Clint join her in a private room. He, shocked, hit the back button, logged off, switched off the computer and pulled out the plugs at the socket. “That’s enough o’ that nonsense. D’ja want tay?”

Prime Idiocy

A confession. It took three attempts and many years for me to get to grips with online banking. During that time I was without paper statements so was never completely sure how my balance stood. I’d check it a few times a month at the ATM and sometimes I’d print out a mini statement.

So, when I finally got online with the bank I was jolly pleased and the first thing I did was check on my regular outgoings, you know, phone bill, charity subs, streaming services – that kind of thing. And the first thing I noticed was that I appeared to be paying for Amazon Prime twice!

A regular payment of £8.99 was going out on the 25^th of the month and a few days ahead of that another sum was also coming out of my account. It was never the exact amount, varied from month to month – always around £12. I couldn’t figure it out so contacted Amazon.

And it turned out they had no record of it. I was advised to contact my bank. The next day was Tuesday and I was too busy doing cakes and family meals. The day after that I was in to the bank to find out what’s what. And what it was – was that the bank closed on Wednesdays.

First thing today I was in there and met a very helpful young woman who looked into the situation. I was paying for two subscriptions but the extra one, the one I couldn’t understand was in the USA! Apparently Amazon Prime costs $14.99 in the States which is why my sterling withdrawals fluctuated from month to month.

I was relieved that whatever had happened wasn’t my fault, that I hadn’t accidentally set up an extra account in America. But still,  a shame not to have noticed it before now as it turns out I’ve been paying for another person’s Prime Video subscription for nearly four years.

As I said to the woman in the bank, God I hope it wasn’t a Trump supporter!

She agreed that it would be sickening if it was.

Now I’ve got to see if Amazon in the UK can sort this out for me. I am not sure if I’ll ever recover the money but I suppose I’ll have to try and claim something from somebody. Apparently, according to an article I read today, I should also contact the FBI although that seems pretty intense. Also overkill. And probably pointless.

Where's My Engineer?

Two weeks and two days now since I first reported our broadband down. Three appointments with BT Openreach engineers since the broadband went down. The first was a charming chap who turned up bang on time on the Thursday before Christmas. He said it was too foggy to go 'on the road' to fix the fault and advised me to upgrade to Fibre2 and then, probably, they'd sort it between Christmas and the New Year. I thought I had already upgraded but it turns out not as my 'box wasn't big enough' and no one informed me of this as they had sent the sad news to an email address that wasn't mine. I do remember saying to Bert that I saw little improvement with the new package. Little wonder, as we hadn't received it.

I lost count of the number of call-centre staff I've spoken to since but it must be in the high teens. The most obnoxious was English Chris and the nicest Scottish Joan. The most entertaining was Mr Cussalot who was working from home (I could hear his children shrieking in the background). If Cussalot said 'Jesus Christ' once he said it half a dozen times. I have a suspicion he wasn't a Christian. I didn't mind for neither am I but he'd be in trouble if it had been Jeffrey or Arlene phoning him.

The second and third engineers? No clue - they didn't turn up. The latest no-show being today.

We have two mini hubs, one for Hannah, and one for us. I had book 4 of the Cazalet Chronicles delivered today, we are both feeling a lot better although still testing positive and I've got to hit publish on this soon as Bert is waiting impatiently for Happy Valley, Series 3, Episode 1. I sat him down in front of Series 1 on Tuesday and we have ripped through 1 and 2 in three days. He's hooked. I've seen them all before but it was quite a while ago.  

Not An Openreach Engineer. If Only... 

#Diary Entry 5

Bert and I have been watching The English on Swisser's recommendation and have enjoyed it. It is beguiling, intriguing, beautiful to look at, well-written and well-acted. The ending was a bit of a faff but no matter. The only thing that spoiled it was our internet connection which is not behaving well at all.

So - I phoned our internet provider and spoke to someone who sounded like Martin Compston. I fell slightly in love, even though it's highly likely the fellow was young enough to be my grandson. Anyway, he was most helpful, giving us faster broadband, a new router, and a cheaper and better phone deal, all for less than we've been paying for half a decade. I should have phoned him five years ago except he'd probably only have been doing his GCSEs at that time.

That done, went shopping and bought a new coat, my first in many years. It's navy blue and is reminiscent of the Burberry I wore when I was a pupil at St Louis Convent Grammar School. Needless to say, I love it. It's so smart and sensible - no matter how Einstein-like my hair, how stripey my socks or how unfortunate my trousers, this coat will pull everything together and make me respectable. Cannot wait for Leitrim Sister to meet me off the Enniskillen bus and be wowed by my chic.

Did I mention I'm going to Leitrim at the weekend? Leitrim Sister and Yer Man should know that I have set aside some of my winter fuel allowance to spend in Wynns of Drumkeeran  - for what could be more warming than the local gin?