- Who let the dogs out?
- Which of our Mums is the smartest.
- Him telling Banjo Man, 'you don't know the half of it Banjo. She's a horrible c**t.'
- Him leaving the hot water taps running.
- His firearms licence renewal form.
Bert's filing system is horrendous. Everything is mixed up anyhow and consists of piles of dog-eared paper stuffed in various drawers and cupboards. When he needs to find anything it is total pandemonium. A couple of weeks ago I offered to sort it out for him. One of the first things I found was his firearms licence renewal. It hadn't been looked at and it was due within days.
So I filled it in and took mug shots and printed them. I found him two respectable referees namely Dr Swisser Clever-Clogs and Mr Clint Childhood-Friend. Swisser put on her headmistressy spectacles and the two of them completed their bit of the forms. Or so I thought but I'd started drinking wine by that time and didn't care any more. The next day we discovered an important part of the renewal hadn't been completed but Bert stuck it in an envelope and posted it anyway.
I'm still filing and sorting his stuff and today I found a wee brown envelope into which his mug shots were to have been inserted. I said,
You made a right bollix of filling in that form.
No. We made a right bollix of it.
I said we made a right bollix of it.
That was my cue for Nellyrage, horrible c**tiness and throwing a file at his head.
This is what I think. A person who cannot even fill in a form to licence his own guns shouldn't be allowed to have guns.
And my mother is the smartest.