What In The Name Of God Is A Stray Toaster?

I was in that Mary one's car the other day and as soon as I was settled in and she turned the key this damnable noise blasted out and I declare to God I nearly took one of my bad turns.

"Sorry," she says, "I meant to have that turned to Radio 4 before you got in."

Huh! It's always happening. I get in the car, she starts it up and then this roar of noise has me jumping out of my skin. You'd think she wanted to finish me off. Where she gets her taste in music from I do not know. It's certainly not from me or her father. If she'd taken after me it'd be a bit of ceilidh, that Coulter boyo or a nice bit of Daniel O'Donnell. God knows it would be far more like the thing at her age. I'm sure I don't know any other mother who has a daughter over 50 running into HMV and coming out laden with a guilty look on her face. She tries to palm me off with the notion that she's bought just the one but I know rightly the size of them wee records you get these days and she never comes out of that shop without at least three or four of them.

Anyway I said to her, "What was that you were listening to anyway? Was it the Beatles?" So she tells me it's some Danish crowd called the Raving Nets. She says she's supposed to be reviewing them for Stray Toaster. So I asked her what in the name of God is a Stray Toaster. Is it a Danish group? And she says, "Naw Ma. Stray Toaster is a blogger." Of course I'm none the wiser. Young ones these days speak a different language to the likes of us ones. And they all mumble so you can hardly make them out anyway. So she goes on to ask me if I'd review the Raving Nets for Stray Toaster for she hasn't a spare minute and I said I would for sure it would put in an evening for me. So this is what I thought of the Raving Nets.

THE HEAVENS This started of not too bad but it was a bit whiney. Not my cup of tea atall.

SEDUCTRESS OF BUMS This one was about sex. I didn't like it. There were too many bad words.

LOVE IN A TRASHCAN That eedjit Mary is quare and fond of this one. I've had to hit her a slap a time or two for trying to turn it up while I'm in the car. As per usual it's all about sex which is all people ever think about these days. It's time that Mary one wised up a bit at her time of life.

SLEEPWALKING She likes this one too but I don't know why. The dinnle of it is giving me a sore head.

UNCERTAIN TIMES I hate that oul Eff-You-See-Kay word. There is no need atall to have it in a song. My head is getting worse. This one is going through my brain.

MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK I could nearly stick this if it wasn't for Mary singing along with it. God love her for she hasn't a note.

HERE COMES MARY Even without her name in the song this one reminds me of Mary when she was about 16 or 17 for she was dressed in black from head to toe and had an oul miserable face on her. Sometimes I think she hasn't changed much.

RED TAN I suppose it's them being Danish is why the words of the song are so stupid. They probably don't understand the half of what they're singing about. I know I don't.

TWILIGHT There used to be some TV programme started like that. I wish I could mind what it was. Dear God turn it off! My head is splitting in two.

SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS This is more like it. Oh no! I spoke too soon. They're going all whiney and girny again. Daniel O'Donnell could lift this. Though he'd have to change the words to something a bit more heartening.

YOU SAY YOU LIE Are there many more?

ODE TO L.A. This is another one that Daniel would make a far better job of.

IF I WAS YOUNG If I was young I wouldn't be listening to this nonsense. Damnable

BONUS TRACKS Right! That's enough. I want a cup of tea and two of my tablets. The strong ones. And bring me some of those Marie biscuits. That Stray Toaster eedjit can take a chance on the rest of it. I'm done.