Wednesday, March 16, 2005

When I Find I'm Feeling Crappy, I Take A Pill To Make Me Happy

I've 'suffered' from depression for almost all my life. It comes and goes. Sometimes years pass without it - then years with it. It's never been bad enough for me to completely lose it, but sometimes it's got close.

Up until about five years ago I'd always refused medication. As far as I was concerned there was no acceptable medication available. There was only stuff that doped you and wrapped you in a fluffy cloud of unfeelingness. I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing.

I've had periods of counseling/therapy which I've mostly hated. All that delving into the past. I thought they were so nosy and so intrusive. I remember telling my mother about why I was not going to go back to one psychiatrist. "She wants me to hate you Mammy." How naive I was.

For years I self-medicated with recreational drugs. I was seriously psychologically addicted to cannabis and I used ecstasy on a regular basis for several years. After a very traumatic period at work I was offered counseling. It was classic - if I didn't talk, he didn't talk. There were no intrusive questions. This was the first time I ever opened up and told about my drug use. It was he who recommended seeing my GP and starting on the new generation of anti-depressants.

I'd heard about Prozac - both the good and the bad. But I hadn't heard about Seroxat which was what the GP suggested. I started taking it. And it was good. There were no more mood swings, no more deep, deep lows - no rages. Just a nice even way of getting on with your life. During this period I stopped taking ecstasy.

The first time I stopped the medication was because I was so happy. I stopped it very abruptly and a week later I turned into a she-devil, a very depressed she-devil. So straight back on to Seroxat for a couple of years. Then I stopped again because I was so contented and life was sweet. But I didn't do it as abruptly this time. Still a couple of weeks later - she-devil. But I persevered. I was happy as Larry for the best part of a year then the mood-swings, the weepiness and the depression returned. So back on Seroxat.

It's been two years this time and after a year I gave up smoking tobacco and cannabis. I went back to the Doc and told her I was ready to come off. I followed her advice to the letter and here I am again with the mood swings and weepiness. So now I'm wondering, what with the years of ecstasy and as many again on Seroxat, am I incapable of living without some little white tablet to keep me happy?

Things they don't tell you about re-uptake inhibitors :-

1. They make you fat
2. They impair the orgasmic response


Zoe said...

Don't you even dare! When I gave up smoking I felt miserable, like my life was pointless without cigarettes. I didn't take up smoking again, that would have been plain dumb. You have to allow yourself time to adjust to being pill free.

Nelly said...

Yes Sir! Zoe Sir!! Advice taken on board. Are you yearning for a drug-free Mamma?

Zoe said...

Yes Please

Anonymous said...

Everybody needs something to help them get by, and by the sounds of things you've lived for quite a while almost relying on pills - it'll probably just take some time for you and your body to realise the change in situation.

Nelly said...

One drug free Mamma coming up. God willing.