Thursday, March 03, 2005

Shite Or Right?

When I was in my late thirties I resumed my education. For a year I attended the local FE College to take A levels in English and Sociology. There was only one other student who wasn’t a teenager and as I was a fellow oldie she latched on to me like a cleg. She was 20.

At first I found the whole process very difficult. My first attempts at essays were dire, simply because they were all over the place. One of the lecturers gave me this piece of advice, which I intend to apply to the remainder of this post. Then I invite comments on how shite the advice was – or not.

The advice was this

Tell them what you are going to tell them.
Tell them it.
Tell them what you have told them.

So here goes –

I am going to tell .you about a weird dream I had last night.

I didn’t realise quite how anxious I was about returning to work today until the dreaming started. There were several dreams which were all work related but this one was the weirdest. I was out on the razz with three work colleagues and we were having a hell of a night. My only difficulty was keeping up with them and worrying about what crazy situations they were going to drag me into. I managed to slip into the ladies at one point to chill but whilst there I gave birth to an infant. My main concern was that my colleagues would think I was a party pooper for having done this and I was wondering how I could keep it from them. It was obvious that it was not going to be easy as the infant was a cross between a large foetus and a monkey and was very active. In fact it kept climbing up the curtains, perching there and glaring malevolently at me. I realised that I did not like it very much then immediately felt guilty about this, as after all I had given birth to it. So I decided to knit it a cardigan in an effort to bond with it. But it kept coming down off the curtains and unravelling my knitting. The third time it did this I strangled it with a piece of yarn.

That was the best dream I have had in ages and I know I will remember it forever.


Anonymous said...

how strange nelly, i had a dream two nights ago that i was with you and you had a little infant boy. you hadnt given birth to him though but were looking after him for someone, only you couldnt face the poor wee boy because he was so smelly and dirty and disgusting and you were very upset that you couldnt look after him properly. so i offered to bath the little boy who had just wet himself and who had lovely curly blonde hair but it was stuck together and hard cos he was so filthy. i wonder did we have our strange baby dreams on the same night oh and that advice yr lecturer gave you is shite but also completely typical of a lecturer


Nelly said...

I had the dream on Wednesday night. I returned to work on Thursday, third of March. In real life I could have washed that baby. I love cleaning really dirty things. Got your MD card this morning. Delighted. Much love from your Momma

Unknown said...

That was the best mocking of teacher advice I have ever seen.