Ending

This morning I am going to the funeral of a man that I never knew in life. In Ireland it is right that funerals be well-attended. I know this man's daughter, my youngest brother's partner, and she was a rock to our family during the time of our father's illness and death.

I've never been to a funeral on New Year's Eve before but it seems fitting - an ending and hopefully, a beginning.

Confession Time

jamie
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Jamie is here for the New Year. He brought his trumpet and Hannah the gift of a digital camera.

He has finished all the milk.

I have finished off the traybakes.

Turkey Talk

It is a well-known fact that turkey is a soporific. It is also a fact that a couple of glasses of Laphroaig can also bring on a wee tired feeling. And this is why I'm almost too tired to blog.

Anyway next December when I call on my butcher (with whom I am on first name terms) I shall be saying something like this -

Good morning James. You know that large-breasted, Puccini-lovin', oven-ready turkey I bought from you last Christmas?

Huh?

You know! 24 pounds, Emmerdale fan, huge breasts?

What?

Number bloody 93! Honestly James! Your memory is dreadful.

Sorry?

Well! This year I want my turkey to be a bit less Dolly, a bit more Kate. Likes the White Stripes, Pixies, that kind of thing.

Dolly? Kate?

Parton! Moss! Smaller breasts man, smaller breasts. Last years was good. But there was just too much of it. More than a handful's a waste you know.

Right. Ok. What'd you say your name was again....?

The Knowledge vs. Intellect Test

7/9 Intellect You are 63% knowledgable and 84% intellectual.

Excellent! You have a powerful mind backed by a good amount of knowledge. Keep cracking books and nothing can stop you.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 6% on knowledge You scored higher than 40% on intellect

Link: The Knowledge vs. Intellect Test written by rattytintinface on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test Found at Smarty Pants' Place

Diving In

He knows a lot about the web and both Zoe and he gave me a lot of help and advice when I started Nelly's Garden in August 2004. Now he's decided to take a plunge for himself into the world of blogging. He usually does his plunging off the side of a boat so if you're interested in web design or scuba diving you might find something to interest you at

Waveney Avenue

Harry de Cat Tries To Ruin Christmas (And Fails)

For me Christmas began at 4pm on Christmas Day. The earlier part of the day had been spent in Spide City and all was quiet there. The very good people from The Wash Basin were hosting Christmas Dinner for our customers so I had a quiet moment or two that I spent with magazines and its just as well I did as I came across two very important pieces of advice that were to stand me in good stead for the holidays. These were -

1. The secret of enjoying Christmas is to have very low expectations.
2. When dealing with pet urine stains on mattresses go easy on the moisture, heavy on the borax.

Eventually I was free and as I drove towards Cully I could feel the tension mount. Would Bert have remembered the roast potatoes? Would they pass the Zoë test of approval? But I kept saying to myself ‘low expectations, low expectations.’

I got in to find Bert playing a blinder in the kitchen. All was going well and the roast potatoes were sorted. . Then there were big hugs for Katy and Mark. Zoë and Dave had not turned up yet. And where was Hannah? Katy breaks the bad news. The Wean is very ill, has not been up all day and Harry de Cat has pissed on her bed.

Hannah is very ill just because she is and it has nothing at all to do with the big feed of drink she took on Christmas Eve. She has decanted herself into the freshly appointed bed intended for Zoë et al and I go upstairs to pet her and be sympathetic and to put my new tips about dealing with cat piss into action. By 4.20pm I am ready to start Christmas and by this time Zoë, her beloved and their new baby have arrived. We do present opening and I am very pleased with all my presents.

Dinner was good but Hannah was unable to partake. She went back to bed with a couple of flu tablets. After about an hours sleep she got up and requested Yule Log (homemade by Zoë), which soon set her on the road to recovery.

After that Christmas was the usual whirl of chocolate, alcohol, family, turkey, wall-to-wall dogs and chocolate. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now I have a confession to make. Since moving into this house I have not read a single book. I suppose I’ve been too distracted. So I had decided to get stuck into one over Christmas. But which one? For I have a yard or more of unread books. I took inspiration from Jimmy Porter who said that the two worst books he read in 2005 were The Lovely Bones and The Time Traveller’s Wife. I’d read The Lovely Bones a couple of years ago and liked it a lot so I reasoned that if Jimmy hated it and I loved it then I’d probably appreciate The Time Traveller’s Wife too. Finished it a couple of hours ago and thought it was pretty enjoyable. I can see Johnny Depp playing Henry in the movie. Thanks for the tip Jimmy.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Well that was a most unChristmassy hour I've just spent. Here are some things that I've learned today.

1. You cannot get a fingerprint specialist on Christmas Eve for love nor money.

2. Nor can a police photographer be had on Christmas Day for the (living) bite-marked, kicked and gouged.

3. Girls can be incredibly vicious to other girls.

4. Some policechildren are starting to realise their job is shite.

Christmas will start tomorrow at 4pm.

Weirding Me Out

The player of this game starts with the topic “five weird habits of yourself,” and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. I was tagged to do this by Claire The thing is I don’t actually think I am weird so I found this a little bit difficult. I used to be weird but I’m alright now. That said my loved ones tell me I still am but I’m sure they don’t mean it. 1. I speak to my animals as if they are my lovers and I speak to my lover as if he is a dog. 2. When I am driving from my local garage to my house with only dogs for company I sing ‘in tongues.’ 3. I do not like to sleep in a room with cupboard doors or drawers ajar as I believe it is better to keep the monsters lurking within contained. 4. I find certain cloud formations frightening. 5. I wear a pedometer in bed. I’m not tagging anyone directly. If you feel like doing it go ahead. Sorry Claire but I think rules are meant to be bent.

Seven Deadly Sins

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Found at Baboon Pirates

Check out that lust score. My life is over.

Number 93

Scene: A small village butcher's shop. Nelly has called to do business with the owner with whom she is on first name terms.

Nelly: Good morning James. I'm here to collect my hand-fed, big-breasted, opera-lovin' and organic turkey if you please.

James: Why certainly miss. What's your number?

Nelly: (rather crestfallen) Number 93.

James: William! Number 93 is here for her turkey.

William brings out the big bird. Nelly feels a little sad. This is one turkey who''ll never listen to Madame Butterfly again.

James: That will be seven million pounds please

And this is what I'm thinking. It is a terrible thing to kill a turkey. You take away everything they are and everything they're ever going to be.* And I'm also thinking. See thon James. Robbing bastard.

*Wishing El Capitan a very Happy Christmas

The Wrong Present

As Hannah and I drive home after a tough shopping expedition I remark,

What date is it Hannah? The 22nd?

Aye.

I can't believe I've all my Christmas shopping finished! I've never had it finished so early before.

Aye. Me too. We're well ahead of ourselves this year.

And I've got most of my wrapping done too. I'm usually doing that at the last minute on Christmas Eve.

Aye. It's great to get it redd up.

Oh God! I've just thought of something. Zoe is never going to like the book I bought her! I've never once heard her express an iota of interest in blah-blah-blah.

No. Me neither.

Oh God! What will I do?

You could give it to Dad. He likes blah-blah-blah.

But I never get Mick a present. Anyways what will I get Zoe? I can't face the town again. And I thought I was finished....

A Christmas Quiz

Welcome to my Christmas Quiz. It takes the form of a multiple choice. There is just one prize - a magnificent 15 foot Christmas tree* from Nelly's Garden.



He hails from -

a. Rasharkin b. Rostrevor c. Randalstown

He likes -

a. Bono b. Jeremy Clarkson c. David Blunkett

He is -

a. 20 something b. 30 something c. over 40

He used to be -

a. a rent boy b. an altar boy c. a lady boy

He often walks through -

a. The Kalahari Desert b. The Mountains of Mourne c. The Streets of Baltimore

Whilst walking there he once encountered -

a. a leprechaun b. a flesh-eating zombie c. a lizardy thing

Then he -

a. slew it with a sword b. asked it to marry him c. wet his pants

He works -

a. in Starbucks b. for the Council c. in a top secret government research bunker

His favourite hobby is -

a. sleeping b. demolishing sheds c. sorting out his inland revenue payments

He grows excellent -

a. clematis b. cannabis c. carnations

He drives -

a. a Ford 4000 b. Nelly mad c. a Mercedes Benz

He plays -

a. the bagpipes b. the banjo c. the tin whistle

He calls his car -

a. Catalina b. Caitlin c. Catriona

His car is -

a. yellow b. orange c. tangerine

He knows a lot about -

a. thermal underwear b. thermodynamics c. thermaphrodites

He is often seen wearing -

a. sandals and socks b. black converse all-stars c. patent leather slip-ons

* Collection only. Decorations or lights not supplied..

Scruff Comes To Stay

Do you recognise this picture? Scruff guards the portal of Zoe’s blog. He usually lives on the Dingle Peninsula but for the next three months he'll be living with Nellybert, Paddy and Rosie while his owners, The Kerryman and Our Trish, are in Thailand.

As might be expected Harry de Cat is not too pleased. That poor cat has not had his sorrows to seek. And after he'd only just got Pearlie's cat battered into submission. Now this.

Christmas Shopping

Nearly completed. This year I have been mostly buying presents in Denelm Mill and TK Maxx.

I went to Denelm Mill to buy a duvet and as soon as I got through the door I needed to pee. Very badly. Not being quite as free-spirited as David Walliam's urinating pensioner I asked an assistant for the use of the staff bog. Before I did so I made up my mind that if they were sweet about it I'd do some extra shopping there. And they were, so I did.

TK Maxx. Sorry about all the mess and confusion I caused. But it is your own fault for having such a messy shop. You see I kept changing my mind about the items in my basket and wherever I was I'd jack them out so picture frames among the gift soap sets and size 18 tops lurking among the size 10 bottoms galore. Who cares? Hannah does. She says I am just the sort of customer she hates.

Then I went to Primark but everything there was vile beyond belief. It all looked like it had been screwed up into a ball, flung into a crate and left lying about some seaport somewhere for about six months while the Chinese argued with the rest of the world. And who knows? Maybe it had.

Of course my Christmas meats are already ordered at my local butcher with whom I am on first name terms.

Good morning James. Set aside for me one of your finest, big-breasted turkeys. Let it be a happy contented turkey hand fed by its loving farmer-owner and let it have spent many relaxing evenings watching Emmerdale with the farmer's wife, while she stroked its fine plumage and fiddled with its wattles, all the time whispering fond endearments in its ear. And if it's not too much trouble let it be one whose favourite composers are Handel and Puccini and whose delicate turkey ears have never been polluted by the likes of Eminem and 50 Cent.

Why certainly. Now what's your name again?

Moser! I tell you this every year!

Then this morning Paddy and I went for a brisk walk in Portglenone Forest and had it all to ourselves apart from the man from Clinty Quarry who was cleaning the paths in his special path-spraying lorry. A lot different from Sunday mornings when the Forest is stiff with athletes training and harriers racing. Last Sunday Hannah and I got some brave eyefuls of the young lads in the tight lycra trousers.

After our walk I patronised the Mission for Moldovia charity shop where I purchased a hand painted Clarice Cliff-a-like plate from the Tunstall pot bank. It will look well with a pile of my home made mince pies on it.

Then it was Portglenone's finest grocery vending emporium for the Big Christmas Shop. An excellent shopping experience all round. I like Portglenone. But I wouldn't want to live there.

Demolition Man

This is Bert taking care of the numero uno 'thing to do' on the Nellybert Christmas list. Well it is an eyesore and he tells me he needs the old stone to build a circular wall around his da's palm tree to keep it from falling over in the first severe frost. Yes we do have palm trees in Cullybackey. Tough ones.

I missed the best picture. I heard an almighty crash and ran outside expecting to find Bert mangled under a pile of rusting corrugated iron. Instead I found him gleefully surveying the dismantled roof. He said,

"Pulled it down with the van."

"You should have called me. I'd have liked to have seen that. And get a photo."

"Didn't know it would come down quite so spectacularly. Anyway I was worried I'd only trail my back bumper off and I didn't want you to take a photo of that."

Suppose he's right. But it was a missed photo opportunity.

Risking Controversy

I was ever so pleased to see the first Civil Partnerships a.ka. 'Gay Wedding' take place in Norn Iron. With us ones showing the Englanders et al how to do it in style and the Free Ps and all kindly singing at the ceremony and providing a bit of local colour.

And now I have a confession to make. Adam! Stop reading now! I am really looking forward to 'Brokeback Mountain'. I lurrrve that sort of thing. Two gorgeous men. In cowboy outfits. Keeping their boots on.

The Truth About Dandy

Division of labour by gender doesn’t always bother me. I’d much rather sort dirty laundry into whites and coloured than mow the lawn. And baking apple and cinnamon scones is much pleasanter (and sweeter smelling) than unblocking sewage pipes.

But today when I arrived home this afternoon after mopping, cleaning and shopping for Matty I was ever so slightly peeved to find that Bert ‘hadn’t lifted a cup’, which is local parlance for completely ignoring domestic tasks. Instead I found him on top of the turf shed allegedly dismantling the roof. Says he,

“This is a good thing to be at isn’t it?”

Oh yes Bert. Excellent idea. The house is upside down, it’s Christmas in five minutes and we’ve got lots of people coming. When I was writing my Christmas list of things to do I had ‘dismantle roof of turf shed’ right at the top just before ‘order turkey’ and ‘buy presents’.

His Aunt Lizzie came in for a chat later on and I was having a bit of a moan about his undomesticated ways. She said,

"Of course he was very badly spoiled when he was a wee boy. Never had to lift a finger. His father would have wanted him to go outside to help him with the cattle and his mother and his Aunt Tilly would have said ‘Sure the child will catch his death out in that cold air. Let him stay in the house where it’s warm.’”

“Is that right? That would explain his hatred of cold and rain.”

“Oh he was ruined. His mother and Aunt Tilly were that afeart he would catch something. They always had him well happed up in hats and scarves. He would never be allowed to wear anything darned or patched. Everything always had to be the very best of quality.”

“Is that why he was called Dandy at school?”

“It likely was.”

“It’s funny you should say that for I said to him once that I’d bet he never had to wait his turn for new shoes.”

“Shoes! They had him in at the best shoe shops in the town getting his feet measured and all for fear the shoes would hurt his poor wee feet.”

Later that evening Clint was in and I asked him if this was true.

“I’ll say it was. He was spoilt rotten. He got every thing he wanted and never had to do a hand’s turn. “

“Lizzie said Pearlie kept him in great style. Had he a velvet suit and a lace blouse then?”

“Well I don’t know about velvet but he had a wee corduroy suit he wore with a bow-tie.”

“The dressy thing didn’t stick with him?”

“No. He rebelled against that all right.”

“Lizzie said he never did a hand’s turn and hated going outside when it was cold.”

“Och sure the mother and him were always wrestling each other for the seat nearest the fire. She was as bad as him. The two of them would be sitting at the kitchen table cutting out and pasting into scrapbooks or some other fool carry-on and the men would be outside raving with hunger and not a bite ready for them to eat.”

And what was Bert doing when Clint and I were talking about him? He was enjoying being the centre of attention. He just loves people talking about him no matter what they’re saying. His only quibble? He says he was called ‘Dandy’ after Dandy-Long-Legs. I said it’s Daddy-Long-Legs. He argues it’s ‘Dandy’ around here. Clint disagrees. He says it’s definitely Daddy-Long-Legs around here. And in those days Clint only lived at the bottom of Bert’s lane.

How True

Your Christmas is Most Like: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

You can't really get into the Christmas spirit... But it usually gets to you by the end of the holiday.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Look At The Sneaks Of Them

Those were very strange people we dined with last night. How about this for a new way of amusing oneself during the boring old grocery shop? Jazzer and Miss Banjo have a competition to see who can place the most unsuitable shopping items into other people’s shopping trolleys. So if you’re shopping in Antrim’s Tesco and you discover something strange in your trolley look around you and somewhere near there’ll be two daft blondes giggling themselves silly. It is just as well that Antrim’s Tesco does not carry the new range of ‘Sex Toys’ that I’ve been reading about or there’d be some very embarrassed people at the checkout.

But at least Jazzer makes excellent roast potatoes so she cannot be all bad.

The Deep, Deep Peace Of The Dentist's Chair

I woke up this morning with impaired vision in my left eye. The reason? It was swelling resulting from two days of emergency dental treatment. Wednesday morning was spent at the surgery having an abscess treated. The dentist kindly offered to extract my tooth on the spot and I responded by bursting into tears. Because I couldn’t face the world with two gaps and my new pretend teeth were not ready. Then bolstered with painkillers and antibiotics I spent the next 25 hours at work. It was fairly eventful. Pregnant girls shinning up and down drainpipes, either attempting to illicitly enter or illicitly leave the premises, enlivened the nighttime. Who knows if it was true? Stories vary and I saw nothing. Then the daytime was wee Belfast boys installing security cameras so that we can enjoy action replays of pregnant girls shinning up and down drainpipes. Or not. As the case may be. Management then decided that this would also be a good day for revamping the office. So here’s me trying to do my normal work sitting at a desk zombied on painkillers and there’s them hovering impatiently wanting to move or do away with the desk and then when I go to file something (first locate your filing cabinet) I return to find the desk is upside down and halfway out the office door. Half hour to do a petty cash receipt – that’s a record even for me. It was so hectic that I said to my boss,

Do you know where I’d rather be? I’d rather be sitting in a lovely peaceful dentist’s surgery having a tooth pulled.

And a couple of hours later when I was sitting in a lovely peaceful dentist’s surgery having a tooth pulled it wasn’t half as great as I’d imagined. And now I’m sitting here still zombied on antibiotics and painkillers and wearing my pretend teeth and they are not as awful as I’d imagined. Things can only get better.