Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Turkey Talk

It is a well-known fact that turkey is a soporific. It is also a fact that a couple of glasses of Laphroaig can also bring on a wee tired feeling. And this is why I'm almost too tired to blog.

Anyway next December when I call on my butcher (with whom I am on first name terms) I shall be saying something like this -

Good morning James. You know that large-breasted, Puccini-lovin', oven-ready turkey I bought from you last Christmas?


You know! 24 pounds, Emmerdale fan, huge breasts?


Number bloody 93! Honestly James! Your memory is dreadful.


Well! This year I want my turkey to be a bit less Dolly, a bit more Kate. Likes the White Stripes, Pixies, that kind of thing.

Dolly? Kate?

Parton! Moss! Smaller breasts man, smaller breasts. Last years was good. But there was just too much of it. More than a handful's a waste you know.

Right. Ok. What'd you say your name was again....?


Anonymous said...

Forgive the Luddite who doesn't watch TV, but you will have to explain the Emmerdale Farm reference there. See, I got the music ones, but not the televisual one.

And I don't really want to google for Emmerdale and breasts. Although....

Nelly said...

I detect fraudulence here. (Accusingly) you said Emmerdale Farm! I only said Emmerdale. So how do you know it used to be caled Emmerdale Farm then?

For the benefit of people who live outside the British Isles geographical region Emmerdale is a programme set in a rural farming community. It contains the typical sort of people to be found in any such community. Pederasts, adulterers, nymphomaniacs, practisers of incest, murderers, prostitutes, rogues and other assorted villains abound. Most sex resulting in the birth of children takes place in late spring as all surviving children must be born on Christmas Day and rarely in hospital. To be conceived at any other time generally results in early miscarriage or some other tragedy. Oh yes and a passenger plane once fell on Emmerdale decimating the population but they don't like to talk about that.

It is one of Bert's favourite programmes but I never watch it myself. Like Mr Bolan I hardly ever glance at the goggle-box but I did see Doctor Who on Christmas Day. Did you see that Mr Bolan, or were you roasting chestnuts and singing carols at that time?

Anonymous said...

I said 'Emmerdale Farm', which probably says more about my age than anything.

We did roast chestnuts, actually, and they were good.

And we also saw Dr Who. There are two things I watch on the idiot-o-vision, and we watch them as a family. One is the good Dr, the other Top Gear.

I think I may like the new Doctor better than thon other recent one.

Nelly said...

Yes indeed. The new Doctor certainly 'kicks ass'. He really, really does. He'll kick your ass right off the edge of the alien spaceship.