Too Hot To Blog

Two shifts in Mingerton completed and I'm tired enough to die of tiredness. It's so hot I cannot even tolerate a lunchtime walk. I've no car to get away from the dirty hole that is Tinkerton/Mingerton and anyway my feet stick to the asphalt. It's too hot to work, to blog and to cook.

This morning I was wakened at quarter to six by the roar of silage cutters. It is all lies about the countryside being quiet. It is loud, it is lethally dangerous* and it is smelly. Cattle reek in hot weather, sheep are rank and the pungent stench of last season's silage would knock you on your back.

Taking washing to the line this morning I met Harry de Cat hurrying towards the house with a freshly killed rabbit in his jaws. On my return from work I found the half devoured and disembowelled corpse resting beside my verbenas. So Nellybert decided to have a barbecue.

Harry de Cat with his bellyful of rabbit

Harry's leftovers

Swear to God we had sausages and chicken and a delicious green salad washed down with some cheap cider. Eat Harry's leftovers? I should think not. Maybe next month when I'm not spending any money we'll be sharing Harry's kills and eating Mag Pie.

*Consider Bert and his .22 missing the magpies and hitting God know's what.

Who'd A Thought It?

I posted a true story the other day about Chep pallets. It amused me because Chep phone-torture us almost daily about the amount of pallets we have (about six) and to arrange their (hardly ever) collection. You’d think we were Mr Sainsbury or Mr Tesco, with millions of the bloody things, to hear them go on. Then you see them stacked in their thousands on eleventh night bonfires just waiting to go up in smoke at about a cost of £7 a unit to the likes of Bert, Mr Sainsbury, Mr B&Q and the rest. You get your £7+ back when the pallets are returned but what if they’re not returned due to being used as kindling to burn the toxic tyres which culminate in the burning of the tricolour, Pope Benedict, Gerry Adams, Monica Digney effigy or whatever demon of the day is currently in vogue… lots of 7 quids up in smoke.

These bonfires are an expensive business for all of us and not just the users of the blue pallet handling service. And that was my well-disguised point.

But despite my beautiful photographs none of you regular readers commented so I thought the whole thing had fallen flat - until today when my hits spiked. Someone from this site had posted a link to Nelly’s Garden on the forum. Who’d have thought there would be a site dedicated to people working in the pallet industry? But then again, knowing the Internet, it would have been far odder if there weren’t one.

Natives and Aliens in South Tyrone

Bert holds signal crayfish (alien)

From left red fox (native), river otter (native) and mink (alien)

We saw all of these in the Blackwater valley. Sightings of the otter and mink were very brief but we spent an enjoyable ten minutes watching Foxy attempt to cross a field of cattle. The cattle kept chasing him off. Next morning Paddy and Rosie went off on the scunge to dig him out of his foxhole. As usual they did not succeed.

Thanks to Jaffs I now know a lot more about crayfish than ever before. The specimens we found in the Blackwater at Annaghroe Bridge are signal crayfish. They're aliens brought in from the USA to farm and, as is often the case, made their escape to the wild. They threaten the native white-clawed crayfish and the river environment too.

Incidentally Annaghroe Bridge where we camped doesn't actually cross the river. Bert said that when he stayed in Caledon (remember this was during the Troubles) the British Army kept blowing it up. The locals would patch it and then the Army would blow it up again. Annaghroe and Knockaginney Bridges are the only two of 104 border crossings closed during the Troubles that remain closed to this day. Both should cross the Blackwater. There's a well-used sheep bridge at Knockaginney but no vehicle access. Questions have been asked in parliament but despite extensive lobbying, the NIO continue to refuse to complete rebuilding at the two sites on the grounds that the budget allocated for reopening border roads has already been exceeded (An Phoblact, February 2000)

It's hard on the farmers who have land on either side of the border. But the foxes and otters and minks and crayfish don't care one bit.

Return to Brokeback Mountain

The first place we visited on our recent camping trip was the historic village of Caledon in County Tyrone. Caledon is a border town abutting on to the counties Armagh (Northern Ireland) and Monaghan (Eire). What I didn't know before we went there was that Bert was making a return visit to the area.

Sometime in the early 80s Bert took a summer job with the Ulster Trust for Nature Conservation. His role was to assist in a survey of birds in the area of the Blackwater river valley. He and Philip (an ecologist) spent four months living in a forester's hut just outside Caledon village. It was at the height of the Troubles. We drove to the site where the hut had stood.

We slept there on the floor of the hut. Every morning we'd cook breakfast on an old wood-burning stove. It was my Brokeback Mountain summer.

Oh really? Was there sex?

No sex.

Was there sheep?

No sheep.

Stands to reason I suppose. The sheep would have been the sex.

Pretty Pictures

I'm a bit shattered myself. The picture shows part of what happened during last night's riot in Mingerton. Being work related I cannot say too much but it was not a pleasant experience for anyone. I don't know who lobbed the stone that smashed my rear window but I'd bet a week's wages* he/she was a child. A feral child.

What kind of parents allow children (some as young as four) to be out when things like that are going on? And they must have known there was a situation going on in the estate for the riot police were out in force.

After the PSNI removed a couple of key characters (for their own safety) I was able to get Bert in to drive my car home to the safety of Cully. I wish he could have taken me home to safety too.

Back on the home front - Harry de Cat 1 Rats 0

Nellybert and the dogs are going camping now so we'll have some proper pretty pictures to post later.

*As if I could afford to bet a week's wages. It'll take that to fix the back window of the Fiesta.

Plumbing Emergency

Bert 3 Magpies 2

Bert is still waiting for that post (in-house sniper, Tinkerton) to come up and yesterday, to keep his hand in, sent another magpie to oblivion. But the brutes are undeterred. Just now he set his sights on another of the feathered fiends. And. Missed. The Magpie. And. Hit. A Water Pipe.

Now he has to race down to Cully for a jointer. And all the magpies are sitting on the byre roof laughing at him.

CHEP Calling

"CHEP issues ready-for-use pallets and containers from its CHEP service centers to manufacturers and growers. The manufacturers and growers load their goods and ship their products through the supply chain using a CHEP pallet or container. At the end of the supply chain, the receiving retailer or distributor off-loads the goods and returns the CHEP pallets or containers to the nearest CHEP service center. CHEP inspects the pallet or container and ensures it meets our quality standards for the next customer use. The ready-for-use pallet or container is then issued to the next customer for its customized use and movement through the supply chain. This system, where high quality pallets and containers are constantly maintained, controlled, tracked and reused to benefit the entire supply chain is the CHEP pooling services. "


GoodmorningthisisCHEPpalletscallingdoyouhaveanybluepalletsforcollection?

Yes. There are about six lying out at the back of the shed.

Canwegetaccesswitha40foottrailertocollectthepallets?

Aye. Probably. But yerman might have a bit of bother getting them pulled out of the nettle patch that has grown up around them in the past 18 months.

Pardon?

I mean they've been there like forever and you people phone up at least twice a week and then you never send anybody to collect them.

Pardon?

You'll have a lot less to be bothering yourselves about after the other night won't you? Did you see the size of some of those bonfires? Your blue pallets are worth about £7.65 each. Isn't that right? Dear kindling.

Click. Silence.

Bert! The bugger's hung up!

No Hangover

No breakages, no fights, no fisticuffs, no sexual shenanigans, no live music, no fireworks, no guns, no Orangemen, nobody died. Not even a magpie.

That has to have been one of the tamest Twelfth barbecues ever. I was in bed before midnight! Even the Wee Manny behaved himself!

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 6. Herman. An Honoured Guest

Meat Sir?
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Herman finds himself replete and refuses the Wee Manny's offer of a second helping.

Sobriety Report: Close to stocious

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 5. Howard Arrives...

...bearing beauteous perenniels for Nelly's Garden. Kniphofia, 2 Rudbeckias and 2 glorious Dahlia.

Bert announces,

Boys I'm as full as a po.

Time I think for strong coffee for I have delicious salads to prepare.

Sobriety announcement. If not as full as a po I'm, at least, half cut.

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 4. The Fallen

Dee Mac & Herman are here and the boys are playing with fire.


Jonathan phones.

"Can't make it. Those bastards next door partied until six this morning singing Orange songs and all. I didn't sleep at all. I'm too exhausted and I've got to get ready for my holiday tomorrow. D'ye want a dog?"

Esteemed Work Colleague phones.

"Can't make it. Mad here all night. We had to get the riot police put (unnamed) out. I'm exhausted. Got no sleep. See you tomorrow at work."

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 3. The Wee Manny..

..and Mrs The Wee Manny are here. Jamie & Hannah are here. The rain has stopped. The South African Chenin Blanc Reserve (Tesco special offer) has been pronounced good. Bert has completed his filial duties. He has delivered his mother to his Aunt Lizzie's house. He has delivered hen pellets to his Eccentric Aunt Who Lives Squalorously In A Condemned House In The Hills.

How was she? Filthy.

And that's not filthy in a good way either. At every turn he has been impeded by Orangemen on the march.

They got me in Cully then they got me at Broadway then I raced down to Harryville and they got me there. They got me again in Kells. Bastards!

Meanwhile I have been in telephone communication with Swisser and have persuaded her that what she needs to beat her lurgy is Meat! And lots of it! So she should be coming along later.

William, Mary & Ollie

William, Mary & Ollie
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

I thought it might be seasonal to give this picture another airing.

Might I offer a suggestion too to help the Orangies spend their government moolah - even more fancy dress please. And better music.

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 2. Two Coffees Later

Showered, shampooed and powdered and sitting at my second cup of coffee.

I've been thrown one of those intellectual challenges by Bert. Ezra Pound - Shakespearean character or real-life man? Those brown pieces of pie are not his strongest point in the game of Trivial Pursuit.

Now he's off to deliver Pearlie to Lizzie's house. I wonder why she wants to get off-site? Could it be the expected arrival of the Wee Manny? For he's such a rough boy....

The Glorious Twelfth: Part 1. Morning

Happy Orangeman's Day everyone. It looks a bit damp. Pity that. Not for the Orangemen of course, because they love walking in the rain - it cools their boiling blood. But a pity for us as we are having a barbecue today. All being well I'm going to blog all day so you might notice a little deterioration in sobriety as the day wears on.

It's also a happy birthday to Swisser who claims to be sick and shan't be coming. That is a shame as, it is such a significant birthday for her. Ahem!

I'm sitting here in my pyjamas and bird's nest hair. Bert is making breakfast. The dogs need let out and I need to.....

It's War!

Current Update - Bert 2 Magpies 1

Went out to the hen house this morning to find the tell-tale signs of egg larceny by pica pica. The big thieving brute pecks a large hole in the egg then slurps up the goodness within. When they are starting to take the food out of our very mouths it's definitely war.

So it's off with us to the Gun Shop in Portglenone to stock up on shells & pellets. He's going to have a go with the shotgun as well for pica pica sitting in trees. As he explained to me he cannot fire upwards with the .22 as the shell could travel for miles and hit some poor unfortunate being.

Which unfortunate occurrence actually happened to someone I know whilst he was out shooting crows. Nobody died but it was nasty enough.

Meanwhile I'm the Gun Police. "Is that thing loaded?" "Break that bloody thing when you're not using it!" "Mind the dogs!" "Don't shoot that thing when I'm in the yard!" And finally, "Is your licence up to date?"

August Is The Cheapest Month

I read this in Saturday’s Guardian and I have been thinking about it ever since. A year without spending. I couldn’t do a year but I could try a month. Like Judith Levine my spending would include essentials.

• Food


• Basic toiletries


• Basic detergents


• Internet access


• One paper per week (Saturday Guardian or Sunday Times)


• Diesel


• Existing standing orders (include household bills, pension etc)


• Pet food

My spending would not include

• Charity shops


• Magazines


• Alcohol


• Eating out


• Clothing


• Chocolate & sweets


• Presents


• Books, CDs etc


• Ebay & other impulse internet buys

August is when I’ll begin. From the first to the thirty-first. Family members with August birthdays do not fret. I’ll see you in September instead.


Will I be blogging about it? But of course.  

Must Have Been The Broken Dishwasher On The Porch....

...and learning to drive on a tractor.

Looks like I'm a Yankee Irishwoman.

You Are 15% Redneck

I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style. You ain't no redneck - you're all Yankee!

How Redneck Are You?

Found at

Baboon Pirates

Blog of the Week

Blog of the Week

Nepotism rules!

One For Sorrow

Magpie in his sights
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

When I took this picture I was planning to call it Magpie 1 Bert 0. But he got one.

I don't know if I feel the same about him now I know he's a cold-blooded magpie murderer.

It's still quicker and cleaner than the Larsen cage trap.

The Honest Sales Assistant

Yesterday Bert and I went to Ballymena to buy a replacement dishwasher. While Bert trotted off to the bank to pay in some cheques I went to a local shop where they always provide good service. I have to say that I found the price of their dishwashers a bit breath taking at first. There were machines costing in excess of £300 and I’d told Bert we’d be paying less than £200. So when the sales assistant approached me to ask if he could help I asked him if he had any less expensive dishwashers. He led me over to another part of the shop and showed me a much cheaper machine. I’d never heard of the make but it looked all right to me.

So why is this machine so much cheaper than the others?

Because it’s manufactured in the third world using cheap materials from China.

Oh.

This machine was made by people who aren’t getting a proper wage for their work. People who work in unsafe conditions. People who are, in fact, children!

So is it any good?

There’s not a thing wrong with it.

Even so you’ve put me off a bit. I don’t like the idea of buying a dishwasher that was made by badly treated children. Should you be telling me this?

I’ll not be telling you lies. I have the man above to answer to when I die!

Would you buy this dishwasher?

A dishwasher! I don’t think so. People have no need of dishwashers at all. After all how did our grandmothers manage? What’s wrong with washing dishes in the sink? People have no need of half the stuff they have these days! When Armageddon comes….

Thankfully at this point Bert joined us and I managed to change the subject. We did not buy the very unethical dishwasher. We bought another one instead. Ten pounds more but at least I can sleep at night. ;)

Magpie

I’m heading towards the clothesline with a basketful of wet washing when I hear the sound of a rifle. I say to myself. ‘That sounds close.’ And it was. For there’s Bert sitting on his ma’s sofa with the 2.2 balanced on the back of a chair and he’s firing out the window…

What in the name of God are you at? Can a woman not hang out her laundry about this place without running the risk of being shot?

I’m just setting the sights on this to see if I can get a few magpies.

Right then. Seeing as you look like a maniac I’m going to get my camera. Hang on there for a minute.

Meanwhile Pearlie is sitting on the other sofa calm as you like watching ‘Deal Or No Deal’. She thoroughly approves of magpie killing.

Madman

Bert’s Aunt Lizzie was up at the weekend and she was giving off bucketfuls about the amount of young magpies about this place. They are beautiful birds but not much liked about the countryside. Lizzie told Bert he ought to cull them and Pearlie agreed.

A few weeks back at Matty’s house one of my cousins was relating with relish the numbers of magpies that she and her husband were trapping in Larsen cages. They farm sheep and it’s a common belief among sheep farmers that magpies kill new-born lambs by pulling at the remains of the umbilical cord and pecking for gizzards with their sharp-bladed bills.

Song and hedge bird lovers aren’t too enamoured of the magpie either. In gardens they are second only to the domestic cat as a predator of songbirds and fledglings. It is estimated that magpies destroy 20 million songbird eggs a year.

The Game Conservancy Trust, a Hampshire-based conservation body, is inclined to agree. Its own research, supported by the eco-baronet Sir Jonathan Porritt, suggests that magpies are a significant factor in the recent steep decline in the number of British songbirds.

The Game Conservancy now sells hundreds of £66 Larsen traps to the public. These multiple-boxed, spring-doored devices… lure magpies into a cage by using the call of an already trapped bird. When two birds are in the trap it's time to remove one, kill it, and use the survivor to summon another.

This cull is legal. Magpies were classified as a pest in the 1981 Wildlife Act. "You cannot just kill them for aesthetic reasons," says the Game Conservancy's Morag Walker. "It's not good enough just to hate them. But killing them to protect other wildlife is permitted." The traps are infinitely preferable to the poison that people used to put down. Link

Meanwhile back at the Nellybert ranch Pearlie’s wee dog Penny had ran off terrified by the noise of gunfire in her living room. And could you blame her? Pearlie was raging.

Ye had no need to be shooting that gun in here. Could ye not have shot it in yeer ain hoose?

Bert and I were sent off to find her, which was no easy task. We searched the houses, looked in the sheds and tramped the fields. The wee dog has a bad heart, likely brought on by a diet of shop-bought cake and buns, and we were convinced she’d taken a heart attack and died in a ditch. Bert was off through the fields and I’d just returned from an extensive tour of the verges and ditches looking for a wee doggy corpse when Pearlie hailed me and indicated Penny at her feet.

Where was she?

No reply. Pearlie stared at me balefully. I asked again. My request for information went unanswered again. Eventually she said,

Och she came from over there somewhere.

So I went to find Bert and I told him of Pearlie’s delight at the return of her wee dog and of her gratitude at our hour-long search for her.

He said,

She has about as much charm at her as a... as a…

As a rattlesnake?

Aye! D’ye fancy eating rabbit? I could shoot us a rabbit. I’d skin it and everything.

Oh yes! I'd eat rabbit. That would be awesome.

I don't think so. You can hop in peace bunnies. You are safe from Bert. He’ll never hit you. Not with his gun anyway. Maybe with his van.

One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret never to be told.

According to Terry Pratchett:
There are many rhymes about magpies, but none of them are very reliable, because they are not the ones the magpies know.

What Have I Reared? (She Despaired)

A Hussy’s Advice

I hope Hannah's granny never reads this.

…..a more modern day approach to bosoms. The first rule is to show as much cleavage as possible. This means wearing low cut top, shirts with all top 6 buttons undone, two belts or just a bra. If you aren't well-endowed and haven't got much of a cleavage there are ways to cheat. Wonderbras, push up bras, balcony bras, magic bras or chicken fillets will all give you the appearance of having more of a bust. However, think about how disappointed your man will be when he undresses you. Really the only thing to do is get a breast enlargement.The second rule is to always be alert. This means that if your you-know-whats aren't standing to attention you should immediately place yourself in a cool area, such as a walk-in freezer. This is harder during the warmer seasons so you'll have to rely mainly on your cleavage or alternatively, you could flash them. Golden rules: You should always draw attention to your bosoms. You should always stick out your chest when talking to men. You should always show a bit of cleavage and a bit of leg. Remember, your bosoms are your weapon, attack and conquer with them. No man, especially the wrong type of man, can resist the womanly charms of your heaving bust.

Toning Down The Bust

Despite her protests this post is going to be about bosoms but as my mother will be writing it, it will be done in the best possible taste. I hand you over to Me Ma.

Well here we are then writing on Nelly’s block. It’s just a wee bit of advice I have for any of youse ones that suffer from a big bust. Like our poor Nelly has God love her. I don’t know where she got it from for nobody else on our side of the family ever had one and anyway we always thought it cheapened the look of a girl and attracted the wrong kind of boys.

The first and most important thing for toning down the bust is to wear a good bra. There’s a lot of talk about cup sizes and so on but I believe the most important thing is for the bra to be made of good thick material and to cover as much as the bust as you can for there is nothing as bad-looking as your you-know-whats sticking out. If your you-know-whats are particularly bad at sticking out then a good thick Wolsley vest might be the answer. You could try wearing your bra over your vest too.

I wouldn’t be on for showing the bust at all. There’s a great go on at the minute for women on the TV with their busts on show and I don’t think that’s right at all. So I’d advise girls to keep their necklines high and watch their top buttons. If you are wearing a blouse that buttons up the front it might be a good thing to get a bigger size to keep the buttons from bursting open for that makes a girl look very cheap and attracts the wrong sort of boys.

Too tight clothes are another problem. I’m on for good-fitting clothes for they help the look of the figure but I wouldn’t be on for clothes that are very tight and show the complete shape of you. So watch out for the tight clothes if you want to tone down your bust and you don’t want to attract the wrong sort of boys.  

A Change In The Weather

God I'm drained.

An evening of dealing with alcohol abusers, assaults and a near riot sure takes it out of you.

Normal blogging will resume tomorrow. Shall it be bosoms, Chep pallets or delinquent cats? Or will it be something completely different?

I'm going to drink whiskey now.

Gandalf The Chancer

My current job has some good points. Sometimes I get serenaded and today I was treated to a one-man dramatisation of an entire chapter of 'The Lord of the Rings' words and actions.

And sometimes I come across real life interpretations of the balcony scene from 'Romeo & Juliet'. Yes. Occasionally when the weather is warm and sunny and everyone is in a good mood my job is just fine.

Just the one person then giving his opinion on axes versus hatchets. A hatchet is better you see because you don't have to swing it so hard. I think he was talking about chopping wood.

Lottery Thoughts

I'm listening to a Radio 4 discussion on lotteries. Some one has just trotted out the one about the National Lottery being a tax on the poor. Mm. Maybe. But at least it's an optional tax.

Bushwhacking

Sometimes I'm too busy to blog much. There are things to be done in the garden. Bert does them and I take the photographs. This evening we are going to cut down over grown shrubs. I like watching men work. Especially when they are doing skilled and macho activities like operating chainsaws. I tell Bert that it turns me on to watch him chopping and wrenching and doing manly things. This encourages him.

Another one bites the dust.

Bert is very pleased that he has killed that tree.

The buddleja davidii might prove to be a tough customer. Time to wheel out the antique tractor.

Bye-bye buddleja davidii. Can that be butterflies I hear? Weeping?

Then off for an evening stroll up the back lane followed by....

... a nice cup of tea.

The Joy of Chickens

The Hen House

The hens of Springhill talk to our reporter about their life in Cullybackey.

Reporter: So how long have you been living here ladies?

Attracta: Well Patsy and I have been here for yonks. Maybe three months now. Dympna came later and wee Bernie has been here a lifetime.

Reporter: And are you happy here at Springhill?

Dympna: Happy? Happy is not the word for it. Living with Nellybert here in Springhill is sheer, utter ecstasy. I was down with Clint for a while but to tell you the truth that crowd of fowl that he has there are a complete shower. They would have ate the arse of you as soon as look at you. And I mean ate the arse of you literally. I hadn't a tail feather to my name when I came here. But Attracta and the girls are lovely and made me very welcome. Plus the grub's better here.

Reporter: If you don't mind me saying you have a lovely set of tail feathers on you now.

Dympna: I have, haven't I? I'll admit I'm rather proud of my booty. Nelly calls me Dympna Fluffybum.

Reporter: Bernie you were here all along. What do you think of your new companions?

Bernie: Oh they're not bad. I'd been lonely for a long time ever since my sister Bianca died. Mind you they've short memories because when they first came I totally took them under my wing. They looked up to me. They had to because I was the only one able to roost in the rafters. But now they're more settled they forget that I'm the senior hen around here. But still what can you expect of hens brought up in a battery cage. No real refinement.

Reporter: So what is your typical day like?

Attracta: Nelly lets us out of the house in the morning.

Dympna: And feeds us. Yummy corn and stuff.

Patsy: Then we head off to the lawn.

Bernie: They call it a lawn. It's more like a rough field.

Dympna: But we like rough fields. We potter around the compost heap as well. We like our five portions of fruit & veg too y'know.

Attracta: Dympna or Patsy might lay an egg. I'm not laying at the moment. Bernie might lay one as well but she's very sleekit and you'd never find it.

Bernie: It's no business of yours whether I lay an egg or not!

Attracta: Well all I'm saying is it's not very loyal to Nellybert after all they do for us.

Bernie: Shut your beak!

Nelly's reward - a new laid egg

Reporter: Girls, girls! Calm down. Now Patsy you're very quiet. How have you found living with Nelly and Bert?

Patsy: I adore Nelly.

Dympna: She's Nelly's wee pet.

Reporter: Are you Patsy?

Patsy: I don't know. She is always picking me up and stroking me.

Attracta: That's because she can catch you easiest what with your gammy leg and all.

Patsy: Nelly was very kind to me at the start. When my leg was really bad just after I came out of the cages she'd hand feed me when youse ones wouldn't let me near the food.

Dympna: You soon learned to hold your own in that department you gorb!

Patsy: I need to keep my strength up.

Attracta: Then there's you sitting like a lady in the crook of Nelly's arm while she goes about the place lifting pots and stones to find you slugs to eat.

Patsy: Mmmmmm... slugs. So yummy.

Reporter: It sounds like you're all pretty spoiled here.

Patsy: Mmmm. Maybe. I heard Nellybert's friend Swisser saying that Nelly won't be happy until we're all roosting at the end of her bed. I'd like that.

Dympna: There's one thing I'd like.

Reporter: What's that?

Dympna: A Cock.

Attracta: Honestly Dympna!

Dympna: Pity to waste the best bit of booty in Cullybackey.

Reporter: Ahem! Well we'll finish here I think. Thank you ladies. I've enjoyed talking to you and I'm sure the readers will too.

Paddy supervises the chicken's breakfast

Bernie sneaks off

Katy and Mark's Garden...

vege patch June 06
Originally uploaded by KatyKatkins.

..guesting today at Nelly's.

Chip off the old block or what?

If youth knew; if age could

Yesterday, upon observing a young couple heading off for a walk, I thought, and not for the first time, that youth is wasted on the young.

They were both about seventeen. He was tall, gangly and wearing a beige woolly hat pulled low on his head like a condom. She was slim and bespectacled, slightly stooping with arms folded over as if she wanted to hide her breasts. They both looked awkward and shy of each other. Maybe it was their first date?

But there they were. Both fairly attractive, both lithe, healthy, smooth skinned and young! And you could tell they didn't give a fig for it.

They were cut from a different cloth than Jaunter and his moll but were no more appreciative of their youth and vitality than that sorry pair.

Don't Touch My Stuff!

I’ve had a touch of blogrot going on and it is all CyberScribe’s fault. This Nelly for No. 1 thing makes me nervous and piles on the blogging pressure as well. But here we go and in the best blogging tradition I am going to start with a rant.

I totally hate people who mess with my things. I thoroughly despise people who, in the guise of ‘helping’, put my kitchen stuff in illogical places. Today I was going to make Bert some delicious soda bread to eat with the delectable chicken* broth we created yesterday and I go to my trusty Magimix and find that some bloody tosser has lost/mislaid the blade. It can only be one of two people.

First in the frame is Jazzer. Yes you, you scatty bitch. I know your sluttish ways. You just push everything into cupboards, under carpets and below cushions; God knows where it will turn up if it was you put it away. I sincerely hope not under a cushion or some poor cratur could end up with a lacerated arse.

Second in the frame is Swisser. She is an academic and therefore without a shred of common sense. The blade could be anywhere. Or – in a fit of jealous fury at my superior baking skills and refusal to give her recipes – honestly Swisser I just throw things together, I never use recipes – she has either binned it or hid it in some crazy place.

So now that I’ve got that off my chest I present a list of possible blog topics I’ve been mulling over.

• The joy of chicken keeping


• Breasts (not chicken-related)


• The role of Chep pallets in the Ulster loyalist tradition


• What shall we do about Harry de Cat?

Any preferences?

*Not from a chicken we knew

An Invasion of Feral Children

Do you like anagrams? I do.

Here are some of the things I was called at work last night. They are in the form of anagrams so as not to offend the more sensitive among you.

Aft, zirfzy, fcuker, salg, sult and whero.

These epithets were hurled at me during an invasion of feral children. They were not part of our client group.

At least one of the children was drunk. He might have been fourteen. The youngest child was around four or five and he was the most foul-mouthed. It was only a small comfort to me that he probably did not know what he was saying. But I know he knew it to be foul. This is the future.

A Cure For Shingles

Matty and lilac
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Since this photograph was taken Matty has attended a wedding, rode the London Eye, introduced her youngest grandchild to the rest of the family and, unfortunately, got shingles.

It's amazing how many people have had shingles and how many stories there are about the condition. I've heard that it can last from one month to five years to forever. It's said to be the worst pain ever. Ben McKillop took to his bed with the shingles and hasn't rose since. But then again Ben is 86.

But there are many with the cure for shingles. Dympna down the road knew somebody who worked in a pub in Ahoghill who had the cure passed to her from an old man who used to drink there. This woman passed the cure on to Matty via a telephone call. It's amazing what can flow down the telephone lines in the 21st century.

Anyway it seems that Matty thought the cure was truly shiteous and is going to have to rely on the miracles of modern medicine. God love her.

Wishing her all the best for a speedy recovery.

Poorly Again

I'm not feeling very well today. I've got an aching head and a queasy stomach. Every time I stand up I feel weak and dizzy.

But looking on the bright side Bert did pay me a lovely compliment and, as I may have mentioned before, Bert's compliments are as rare as hen's teeth.

He said, "I really admired you last night. You're brilliant at drinking gin!"

Damn!

The recent wedding got me thinking and I just had to do this quiz.

He's Never Gonna Pop the Question

At least not to you, in this lifetime You're guy's not serious about marrying you Sorry to break the bad news... but it's time to move on Good news? There are plenty of marriage ready guys out there... But you've got to be single to meet them!

Is He About To Propose?

Not very promising is it?

Name Calling

Bert: So everyone thinks he's a scumbag then?

Nelly: Not everyone. Some think he's a maggot and then there are others who hold the opinion that he's a cheap lousy faggot.

"..whatever you say, you say nothing"

Sometimes it’s hard to be an Englishman in Norn Iron. Poor Jamie has not been brought up to suss people out the way us locals have learned to. Take the other evening. He was out enjoying the ‘craic’ with the neighbour and the talk came round to families. Jamie said he was from a small family. The neighbour said he came from a large family. It’s a cultural stereotype and Jamie knows it but he says anyway,

Oh that’s because you’re Irish!

Oooh- er! His neighbour turns out to be ‘Not Irish’. What Jamie doesn’t realise, being from England, that there are parts of Ballymena, most of Ballymoney and many other places in Norn Iron where ‘Not Irishness’ abounds.

Now as most people know I don’t really go in for politics on this blog. Politics makes me dizzy and if I get dizzy I might fall off the fence. I’m OK with people being ‘Not Irish’ but the situation that Jamie found himself in bothers me a lot. What’s the problem? Don’t be Irish if you don’t want to be. But why jump down someone’s throat or take offence if someone thinks that just because you live in Northern Ireland that you might be Irish God Forbid!

Whilst in England in the 1970s I was frequently ‘accused’ of coming from Scotland. I explained that I was actually from Northern Ireland and I did not take offence at the assumption. I do realise that cultural identity is important to many people living in this place but there is no need to get surly just because someone doesn’t get the Ulster, Northern Ireland, and British thing. Being a bit more easy going about it might help to allay that other cultural stereotype which is - Ulster Protestant = dour and humourless.

And if anyone wants to know I consider myself to be from County Antrim and I’m Irish, Northern Irish and British. If I have to pick one, say for administrative purposes, I’ll say British. That is until some government, somewhere, someday decides that I’m not.

Muswell Hill

My sister the bride observed the tradition of not meeting with her husband on union day until the very moment they met before the registrar. So the groom stayed at a hotel in Muswell Hill the night before the wedding. He wasn’t too lonely as there were ten of the wedding party staying there too. I can report that the condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.

Where We Stayed

Muswell Hill is a good place to stay. It’s very good for cab-riding pensioners who have no intention of getting on a tube. Which was just as well as the nearest tube station is a smart ten minutes walk away from where we stayed. On the other hand the hotel was a five-minute stroll from a fine shopping area full of excellent shops and restaurants. To Matty’s delight there were even three charity shops. To Aunt’s delight there were lots of much more expensive shops. Uncle was stoic about it all as he can’t be bothered with any kind of shops at all.

As you’d expect it’s rather steep up around Muswell Hill and Highgate. It means that you can look down on the Thames valley and the City. I got my first glimpse of the Gherkin from Muswell Hill Broadway.

City View

The hotel wasn’t far from Highgate Wood. On the hottest June day in about a hundred years I took a relatively cool walk through the woods. But even the squirrels in there were lolling around fanning themselves.

Highgate Wood

Of course the area is steeped in history. Muswell Hill was once part of the Forest of Middlesex and the present day wood is a remnant of that ancient forest. Its views over the Thames and Lee valleys have made it a very pleasant place to live over the centuries, providing a rural, wooded retreat for those who could afford it. It escaped urbanisation until the very end of the nineteenth century.

But the Muswell Hill area has had some recent unpleasant history too. Just around the corner from the hotel is Cranley Gardens, where Dennis Nilsen’s career as a serial killer came to an end.

The hotel is circled red. The wood begins on in the SW corner of the map. Cranley Gardens is just across the road. I didn't go there.

June 10th 2006

Jean & Jonny
Originally uploaded by KatyKatkins.

Ganching said everything that needed to be said.

All I can add is that we had a fabulous day. My sister was lovelier than the day and her husband was rightly proud of his bride.

We're glad to have him in the family. Everyone needs a little legal advice from time to time and a country song to help them through the hard times. And the good times.

Friend of Bono

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Hearts and Flours

I baked Bert an apple pie this evening. Just to remind him of why he loves me. Then I took a mad race down to the garage to buy a new set of rechargeable batteries for my camera. As usual, for that time of the evening, the garage and the forecourt were packed with good ol’ country boys standing around passing the time with each other. I couldn’t help but notice a few appreciative looks coming my way and put it down to my new haircut.

When I got back Bert said,

You never went down to the garage like that did you?

I looked down and saw that a couple of shirt buttons were open and that I’d been displaying a good portion of my generous bosom clad in one of my fine new brassieres. I said,

I was wondering about all those oul boys smiling at me.

He said,

Och it was likely you being covered in flour that pleased them. Those oul boys like a bit of home baking too.

London Bound

I'm off to London tomorrow and won't be back until Monday evening. Everybody enjoy your weekend! I hope I do too.

The scunging devil dogs are sooo excited as Bert is no good at minding them so they'll be looking forward to a mad weekend hunting rabbits on the Loan Hill.

They escaped today even though Rosie was tied. I was expecting the postman y'see. She took off with her new red lead trailing behind her. Pearlie thinks Paddy untied her.

No news on the chewed postman. Apparently nobody back at the sorting office cares about him. When he said to the rest of the fellows that he got bit on the Dreen Road they all knew straight away who was the bad bitch did the deed.

So Rosie got ye then?

According to what I'm told they've got a photograph up of Rosie in our section of the sorting office with a notice saying 'Beware of Rosie.'

Whammling the Bantie

Bernie the bantam became a singleton when the fox took her sister Bianca. For over a year she wandered this yard a sad and lonesome bantie. Never an egg did we see. Then along came Attracta, Dympna and Patsy and she cheered up. This must be where the expression ‘chirpy’ comes from for Bernie chirped, chirruped and chucked from morning to night. Previously she had only been heard to squawk. Queen of the hen house she was. She even started laying the occasional egg.

Then she started making a chookling noise. “There’s no point letting her clock on sterile eggs!” Aunt Lizzie declared. “Ye must whammle her.” I was intrigued. What was whammling?

Whammling involves putting the clocking hen in a dark enclosed place and leaving her there until she stops clocking. So we put Bernie under a clematis crate. She was outraged. I didn’t like doing it for it seemed cruel. But then she escaped. She had stopped making the chookling noise so I thought she was ‘off the clock’ but Lizzie said, “She’s only trying to trick you. Clocking hens are very crafty.” The next thing was she disappeared completely. We searched and searched but there was no sign of Bernie. We assumed she had decided to make a new nest outside and fully expected to see her in the morning. That’s if the fox didn’t see her first.

We didn’t see her on Saturday morning. Or Sunday, Monday or Tuesday. Oh well. Foxy must have taken her. On Wednesday I followed his pad fully expecting to see a trail of black feathers but there was nothing. Then on Wednesday evening Bert heard a faint chook, chook coming from the wee cupboard the central heating boiler is in. He opened the door and out staggered Bernie. She had a drooth on her that took 15 minutes to sate. Then she ate two helpings of corn and a slice of wheaten bread. Then she drank lots more water. Then she went scraping with the other hens. Scrape, scrape, scrape with the feet. Step back to see what you’ve got. Then more scrape, scrape, scraping.

So maybe next time Lizzie says, “Whammle that hen,” we should keep her whammled. It's either that or ask Clint for the lend of the rooster.

Not Scared Of The Devil...

Martha 1939
Originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

...and not at all impressed by Noel Edmonds. Go Matty.

The Number of the Beast

I met Kerry Sister today for lunch in Ballymena and she was telling me about the things she and Matty have been talking about recently. They’d been having a conversation about men who wear beards and Noel Edmonds in particular. What Matty said about Noel Edmond’s beard was so dreadful and so funny that when Zoë bumped into us at Broadway I was laughing so hard I had to lean against the wall to support myself.  Mothers and daughters heh!  There is me not able to even hint at what Matty said about Noel Edmonds for fear of losing her sweet little old lady credibility forever and there’s Zoë having to suffer the sight of her mother laughing herself into near public incontinence.  

Here’s something else they discussed.

Matty: They don’t seem to bother so much with the telling the weans about the Devil in the schools these days.

Kerry Sister: No. They wouldn’t want to be putting the children off with all that scary talk about hell and the devil. That really scared me when I was young. I was terrified of the devil.

Matty: I must have been odd then for I wasn’t scared of the devil.

Kerry Sister: Weren’t you?

Matty: No. I was scared of God.

Kerry Sister: God? Why?

Matty: All those rules.

Bushy Eyebrows

Not only is Ganching getting into a big flooster about The Wedding she is also getting her eyebrows threaded. And there are my own eyebrows not that unlike Denis Healey’s and God knows where I’ve put the tweezers.

All this titivating for the sister’s wedding has got me looking about at other women my age to see what the average well-groomed (or not) fifty-something is wearing these days. Here’s what I’ve spotted on the streets of Ballymena in the past two sunny days.

1. The normal look. There are lots of these about. The woman is in fairly good shape. She is clean and tidy. Her hair is short and styled and is either ash blonde or silvery grey depending on her interest in sex. She favours neat clothes in shades of beige and mushroom. Her bra is ill-fitting. I got measured for a bra yesterday and am now an ‘F’ cup. I look down at my chest area and the bolster has gone. Now I’m wearing what looks like two upturned baking bowls underneath my purple three-quarter length sleeved tee-shirt.

2. The ultra-spide look. The hair is dyed in violent black and magenta stripes. It clashes horribly with the lemon puffa jacket and crop trousers ensemble. The complexion is mahogany the make-up clarried and she accessorises with a load of cheap bling and a Mayfair cigarette. I am wearing no make-up apart from some tea-tree lip balm. My purple tee-shirt hardly clashes at all with my flowery cheesecloth freesize skirt. I hang my pedometer at the front of the skirt along with the jingly bells.

3. The hooker look. She’s slender and tall and her long strawy hair is peroxide blonde, worn half up and half down. She’s got far too much make-up on. She is wearing a very short denim skirt, heels and tights. Her legs are shapely so why tights? Varicose veins. She’s a 1661. Looks sixteen from the back and sixty-one from the front. I match back and front. My matronly arse end matches my matronly front end. This only cheers me a little bit.

4. The bohemian feminist look. She’s wearing a tartan shirt and cargo pants, brown sandals and socks. Her face is bare of cosmetics and her hair is undyed. It’s iron grey and hangs over her shoulders in long thin braids. I’m intrigued by this look. She looks intelligent and a bit stern. I’m getting my too long hair cut and coloured tomorrow.

Hunting The Rhubarb

Yesterday was Kerry Sister's mumbly-mumbleth birthday. As her birthday was almost totally forgotten last year we decided to mark the occasion with a Rhubarb Hunt. I told them I'd found rhubarb growing in the moss but no one believed me. So I led an expedition to prove that I was right.

The Kerry Sister and the Leitrim Sister on the hunt for The Rhubarb. The Kerry Sister is kicking spoor for clues. The Leitrim Sister prefers to sniff the air for that elusive Rhubarb scent.

The Rhubarb has been spotted! Leitrim Sister says it is a lot of bollocks and that it is False Rhubarb.

The Rhubarb

Bert is horticulturally highly qualified and he thinks it is Rhubarb. Looks like, smells like, tastes like, smokes like Rhubarb.

Macy prefers to wallow in a moss hole.

The Broken Laptop Amir Sold On Ebay

Revenge is a dish best served via the internet.

http://www.amirtofangsazan.blogspot.com/

Help Me Please!

Enjoy Your Crack!

Dear Sir,

I am Mrs Nelly Moser an Irishwoman living in Ireland and I have a grat problem I hope you can help me with. I was out walking with my two dogs when the crabbit one of them started barking ferociusly The next thing I knew a man of very short statue jumped out of the hedge and hit her a rattle over the nose with a knobbly stick. He introduced himself as Aloysius O’Malley and said he came from the fairy people. He said that becase I was the ten millioneth person to walk along that path that I would receve a big pot of gold. He too k me to see the gold which was in a big cauldrom and he said it was worth ten million Euros. All this gold is for my own personal use.

My problem is that in this country we have an organisation called the Assets Recovery Agency which is very suspicius of people who get a lot of money with no good explaining of where they got it and are very suspicius think people got their money of selling drugs and thieving of the tax man and so on.

It is my strong belief that the Assets Recovery Agency will not beleve that I got this money fair & square of Mr Aloysius O’Malley and will take the whole caboose of of me which would be really unfair as the money is mine fair square.

I plead with you as a good honourable person fine & upstanding to help me in this matter. If you send me all your bank details telephone number and so on I will give you to keep for ever twenty percent of my fairy gold worth in excess of 2 million Euros and I look forward to hearing from you soonest!

May The Road Rise Up To Meet You On Your Way Back And Not Be An Earthquake!

Shades of Grey

When the time came to paint the interior of this house Banjo Man (master painter and decorator) advised cream shades throughout. I agreed. It all seemed so simple. Then he starts complicating the issue, brings out sheaves of paint cards. Who knew there were so many shades of off white and cream? And the colours that I picked of the cards were always wrong. It was too dark, too pale or too ‘cold’. Eventually I said, “You choose. After all you’re the one who has got to slap on gallons of the stuff throughout the house.” So he did and all was well.

So we move on to exteriors. Barge boards and so on. Ollie is our outside painter. I say red, he says no. It’s a period house. Red screams new. Grey fits in. I agree. But who knew there were so many shades of grey. I come home from 25 hours in Mingerton and Ollie is following me around with shade cards – all grey. I like that one. Too dark. I like this one. Too light. You pick. I trust your judgement. Leave me alone! Window frames? Feck off. Whatever you like!  I don’t care. Just paint the fucking house and leave me alone!

It has been a crazy evening. Leitrim sister was visiting and the silage cutting gang has been here and not one single hen run over even though half a million quid’s worth of agricultural machinery has been flying through the yard all evening long.

This time next week I shall be in London. It is one year today since my father died.

A Proddie Dog?

Hannah and Jamie took Rosie and Paddy for a walk in Portglenone Forest this evening. When they returned I asked Hannah how they'd behaved,

Did Rosie bite anybody?

No. But Paddy did a big dump. In front of a priest!

The shame of it.

A Wicked Bitch

It's a pity I didn't keep Rosie tied up. She has just bit the postman! Not too hard - just a nip on the ankle. But it tore his trousers and drew blood! Bert said he was 'nice' about it but he will report it and then we (and Rosie) are in trouble.

This has been a difficult few days of pet-keeping.

The dogs kept getting away. Bernie the bantie is clocking on a hidden clutch of sterile eggs and Harry de Cat pissed on Bert this morning. Now this. I'm really worried. We will be getting a visit from Nigel and we might get taken to court.

Actually if there is a prosecution it will be me as I am the licence holder. But I won't blame postie if he reports it as he is entitled to do his job without being harassed and bitten by dogs.

Why do dogs hate postmen so?

Bit Tied Up

Paddy: Well Rose that’s a powerful nice mornin’. Ye fancy a wee scunge? I smell rabbits.

Rosie: Huh! I don’t see how I’ll get any scunging done today. D’ye not see the cut of me?

Paddy: Aye ye’re down in the mouth all right. What’s annoyin’ ye?

Rosie: God but yer stupid! Did the vit gie ye a lobotomy that time ye were in getting your balls off?

Paddy: No need to be nasty. I see what’s vexin’ ye now. Ye’re tied up aren’t ye?

Rosie: Aye! I am! It’s to do with that carry-on yesterday. 

Paddy: Aye yesterday! Yesterday was a good day. Pity Jamie had to come along and spoil it on us. 

Rosie: It’s Alber’ I blame. He should just have minded his own business that time he saw us on the Loan Road. Sure we weren’t payin’ any mine to that oul fecker of a farmer who was roarin’ and shoutin’ at us. 

Paddy: That fat oul fecker hadn’t a hope of catchin’ us. 

Rosie: Aye! Not even if he’d tuk tae the Loan Hill wae his oul Land Cruiser. And he wouldnae hae went there for fear o’ the yappin’ he’d get from the wife for dirtyin’ the motor and her wantin’ to take it into the town tae lift the weans frae school. 

Paddy: Then Alber’ appeared. 

Rosie: Aye and did ye hear the soft coaxin’ way he was trying to get us into the boot of his motor. He hadn’t a hope. 

Paddy: Right! Then we were aff again. Up the Loan Hill. 

Rosie: Nixt thing though Alber’ has his phone out.

Paddy: Tellin’ on us. Rosie: But sure by the time Bert and Nelly arrived we were nearly out of earshot.

Paddy: Didn’t stop them roarin’ and shoutin’ for us though. 

Rosie: We heared nothin’. 

Paddy: It’s not aisy hearin’ things wae yer head stuck down a rabbit hole. 

Rosie: Was it your idea or mine to go down to the low huntin’ grounds? 

Paddy: Was you, Rose. Ye always have the best ideas. 

Rosie: Aye! But it was your fool notion to go down the Dreen Road to get there. Wisht I hadn’t a listened tae ye on that one. Bad luckin’ that two dogs steppin’ down the road on their own an’ one wae his collar left hingin’ in a hawthorn bush. Nigel could lift you for that and then Nellybert would be in bother! 

Paddy: ‘Spose then it was a good thing Jamie came on us.

Rosie: Maybe. Ye were quare and soft jumpin’ intae his car so quick. 

Paddy: Ye weren’t far behind me! Anyway, I couldnae help mysel’. He was that sharp of the tongue. Just like Nelly. Soft words don’t work on me. I hae found in my time that folk that talk all soft and nice tae ye usually give ye a good kick up the arse when they catch a houl of ye. Sharp-tongued folk are just pleased ye done what ye were bid. 

Rosie: Nae matter ye’re still a big lick and a suck. 

Paddy: At least it’s not me that’s tied to a pruta weighbridge! 

Rosie: Away and feck! Ye’ll get yer turn!