Cabin Fever

 Since Saturday I’ve hardly been out of the house. There was a quick and early run to the Spar for our weekly print journalism treat, the Weekend Guardian for people like us, people with log-burning stoves need something to help light our fires. Sorry, re our carbon footprint - I’m not going to be embarrassed about that as I rarely use aeroplanes and Bert never flies anywhere.

On Sunday I was completely confined to quarters. Never put my nose outside the door. Did a lot of housework. Took my daily exercise in the polytunnel as it was really wet and windy.

Monday had me taking a quick run to the Spar for milk and to Boots for my medicine. It’s something I take for arthritis, been taking it for years, even before I fell out of the tree-house, maybe started around the time I was cowped by the pig. I don’t know if it helps but I’d rather not stop just in case it does.

The sore stomach started around lunch-time and got worse and worse. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t throw up and I couldn’t poo. The pain went into my back. If someone had offered me heroin I would have accepted it gladly – even though I was pretty sure it was just trapped wind. I slept a lot when I could. No-one offered me heroin so I took two dissoluble paracetamol at around 10pm and slept all night. The smart watch recorded a total sleep of 11 hours and 45 minutes for that period.  Crazy dreams.

The bad pain was gone next morning and I did the natural thing. Tummy still felt tender and I had little appetite and I was so tired. Spent the day reading – mainly Jan Carson.

Today I had the cabin fever. I went to Antrim, took Jazzer shopping. Just a few things she said. We breakfasted in Alfie’s, my only concession to my delicate tum was cappuccino rather than an Americano. Afterwards I checked out the charity shop, nice sweater, two mugs and a book with change from a fiver. Then it was Asda, Lidl and Islandbawn Stores. Jazzer’s idea of a few things is very different from mine. In between Lidl and Islandbawn we stopped at Belmont Cemetery for a bit of a walk and to call with friends. Jazzer said hello to her mum and dad, her sister, her brother, her niece and nephew and many friends and neighbours. I said hello to a great-niece, a cousin, an uncle, an old friend and some neighbours from home. There was a funeral taking place while we were there but we kept a respectful distance.

Being nosy, I checked out the funeral when I got home. I had supposed it was for someone who had lived a long life. But it wasn’t. It was for an infant.

The Unforgettable Geoff Kerr

Holly

 

Holly came to live with us in December 2006. She was born on a farm near Slemish and the day that Zoe and I collected her, we were told that all she'd ever eat was chicken. I wondered what kind of fancypants kitten we'd landed ourselves with but it turned out she was prepared to muck in with the rest of us and eat whatever was going.

She was always feisty. She loved to have arguments with Bert and she always won. Many the blooded finger he got from her but as she'd have pointed out if only she could speak, he had it coming to him.

I really thought she had a few years left in her yet. Her coat was glossy, her appetite good, her fitness levels great for her age (she loved to go walking with humans and dogs in the woods) and her zest for life was still there. Bert saw her racing round the yard chasing a dead leaf only the day before she died and Zoe saw her scoffing her dinner with relish only a few hours before. 

I went to bed after midnight and was just settling down to sleep when I heard a piteous mew. Not an unusual thing as either her or Fred would make that hard-done-by sound when they wanted outside. I got up thinking it was probably Fred. It was Holly and she was having some sort of fit in the corner of the kitchen. I called Bert as I am cowardly in those sorts of situations. He said, 'She's dying', picked her up, stroked and soothed her, his eyes all teary. She calmed, no more spasms but she was limp. We sat awhile. I thought of calling the vet. Bert thought there was no point. I said I'd take her to bed with me. My bed was one of her favourite spots. I wrapped her in a towel and lay beside her. She was very calm and still. She stayed like that for about two hours then around three o'clock her breathing changed and she became agitated. I gathered her up and a few minutes later she died.

Bert checked to make sure. And wrapped her back in the towel and placed her on the floor. She looked as if she was asleep. I got back into bed and cried a little. 

This morning I had planned to go to IKEA with Zoe and that's what we did. Bert was left with the task of burying Holly. He asked where? and I said, you decide - maybe not too far away. When I got back he'd placed her in a wild part of the garden behind a drift of snowdrops. She used to like lying there on sunny days.

We have five pets left now, two dogs, one cat and two pigs. The youngest (Jess) is nine, the oldest (Fred) is thirteen. Judy and the pigs will be twelve this year. We'll give them the best life we can for it might not be that long. It's all we can do.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/17223773@N00/albums/72157688045378801

Panic Attack

Curtains were not my priority when we first moved to Springhill. Then Pearlie fell and broke her hip and for some reason, not wishful thinking, I convinced myself she was likely to die. And what happens when there is a death in the family? The curtains must be drawn closed. And we had none to close. In a panic, I rushed off to Dunelm Mill and bought four sets of floor-length curtains for the front of the house. Never mind, that no one would ever see them because we live up a lane on a rural road. Which was why I hadn’t actually bothered with curtains before.

Happily, Pearlie survived her fall and lived another six years. And when she did die the curtains weren’t drawn closed because who’d see them anyway?

There were two pairs, one cream coloured and one rusty red. Thirteen years later and they are still on the go. They are used in one room only, my private, secret sitting room. The red curtains are hung in autumn and winter and the lighter ones are for the warmer months.

So there I was today, standing and stretching on a step-stool, hanging the cream curtains (I’m a bit out of synch this year) when I felt dizzy, slightly short of breath, and with a tiny niggle in my throat. You may imagine what my first thought was. Especially as, only minutes earlier I’d given a couple of dry coughs. Immediately I started to panic. Corona! Maybe I hadn’t been as careful as I thought when going into town to walk the children’s puppy. Or maybe I'd picked up the virus somewhere else. For about twenty minutes I was up to high doh, wondering if I should get tested, then eventually all my ‘symptoms’ subsided and I felt normal again.

Funnily enough, as I type this, the panicky feeling is coming back. How I wish we could return to that carefree just vaccinated time when we thought our worries were almost over. Oh well. At least I have curtains, even if they are thirteen years old.

More posts about curtains.

https://nellysgarden.blogspot.com/2006/03/curtains.html

https://nellysgarden.blogspot.com/2006/03/i-need-to-get-out-more.html

https://nellysgarden.blogspot.com/2006/04/on-single-beds-curtains-and-being.html

https://nellysgarden.blogspot.com/2006/08/nelly-gets-nekkid.html

The Last Aunt

 

Lizzie 1930-2021

So that's it. Bert's last Aunt has gone and now he's the only only one still standing from that branch of the family tree. An era ended. No-one comes after him.

Lizzie loved dogs and dogs loved her. It was when she asked Bert a few months ago not to bring our two when he visited that he knew things weren't right with her. She had an underlying condition, and who hasn't at 90? But it was Covid-19 took her in the end.

Ups and Downs

It's been a funny sort of day. Judy wakened me at quarter to six and because it was bright and sunny I got up immediately to let her and the rest of the pack out. My immediate intention was to return to bed and resume snoozing but on the way downstairs I recalled that I'd been dreaming about Nigel Farage so decided to make coffee and return to bed to drink it and read La Belle Sauvage. Too dangerous to sleep with big flappy mouth awaiting me.

When I did get up I started some gardening chores. planting out some anaemic looking verbascum phoeniceum 'Violetta' and a tray of safflower. Howard turned up and he and Bert breakfasted while I went out to try and find the secret nest of Madame Bianca (the white hen). Without any success, although I may have pinpointed the general area. After breakfast, Bert came out to assist while Howard threw tennis balls for the dogs. It was then I spotted the sick hen. I'd noticed nothing out of the ordinary yesterday but she looked like she was breathing her last today. I called Bert who said, "She's fucked." Then, "Maybe we should move her to the spare henhouse and give her a chance, see how she does." I picked her up very gently and nestled her in the crook of my arm. She seemed calm. I started to walk towards the other henhouse. Moments later a tennis ball whizzed past me, followed by three or four very excited dogs, The sick hen went frantic and tried to get out of my arms. Wings flapping, legs working. I got badly scratched. Then her neck flopped, wings and legs still going. She was dead by the time I reached the other hen run. I laid her down, wings still moving. Upsetting. I'd heard the stories about hens still moving after death but had never witnessed it before.

I was really cross with Howard. Exciting the dogs when I was transporting a sick hen. Then I realised I was actually cross with myself. She was obviously close to death when I first saw her and I should have let her go in peace rather than causing her to be terrified in her last seconds.

The afternoon was more gardening, planting out peas and a lot of watering. Also continuing to look for hen's nests. While I was doing that the hens that escape every day scraped up all of the verbascum and some of the safflower. Bert said,

You'll never be able to plant anything as long as those hens are running about scraping everything out.

And I said,

You're quite right. We talked about this last week when it was decided that you'd fix the gate to keep them in the inner pen while you raised the fence. Perhaps you could do that sometime soon?

Later on, I went to visit a friend who's not been well and when I got back I watched the new Russell T. Davies about a dystopian future. Vancouver Brother rang. He said, when I finally answered,

I thought you weren't in.

I said,

I was watching a show and Donald Trump had just nuked China and I could hardly hear the phone for the sirens.

We also watched Virtues on Channel 4 with Stephen Graham. Excruciating in parts and terribly sad. Stephen Graham is an incredible actor.

So, an up and down day. The gardening was good, the hen thing was not and the TV shows were interesting. The phone call from my brother was good, our anxious, unwell friend not so good. But the sun shone all day and a summer cold that has been working on me for a few days seems to be getting better. I'm looking forward to more Philip Pullman at bedtime and it is to be another warm dry day tomorrow.

Which means lots of watering. Ups and downs.

Hurt

Today was one of those days that reminds one of how sad life can be. We went to the funeral of a man in his early fifties who had died from a brain tumour. I didn't know him well but I knew other members of his family, his older sister in particular. This man had spent his entire working life in a local tobacco factory which, up until recently was one of the most important employers in the local area. Between 2014 and 2017 everyone who worked there was made redundant. Many of those attending the funeral today were ex-workmates of Hugh. No problem getting time off for a weekday funeral - they all had time on their hands.

I went for a quick walk in the early evening. Now that the days are lengthening it is possible to do that and I'm grateful for it. Ziggy and I weren't even five minutes from the yard when I spotted a thrush lying at the side of the road. I thought it was dead but when I looked it was still moving. I picked it up and returned to the house and left it in the greenhouse. I expected it to be dead when I got back. Ziggy and I walked for thirty minutes and when we got back the bird was still alive. I made it as comfortable as I could and left it. Thirty minutes later Bert returned from visiting his aunt. He looked in on the thrush and said it was getting very cold. Fifteen minutes later it was dead, I was racked with guilt. should I have interfered? Should I have hastened its end? And if so, how? I wouldn't have the courage to do anything violent for fear of increasing its suffering. After it died I felt its little body and it seemed to have a chest injury. No doubt a blow from a car, one of those bastard cars that drives far too fast on our B-road.

Peter called round after work and he told me that a friend of his says that the best way to hasten a small suffering animal's end is to wrap it in kitchen roll and place it in a freezer. I don't know. That wee thrush took a long time to die.

Ziggy, my companion on today's walk. His little face reminds me that life is not always hard to bear.

Ten Years Ago Today

1952

Today is the 10th anniversary of my father's death. 

Heading out to a wedding

Apart from their wedding photographs there appear to be very few pictures of my parents in their younger days. I wondered why that should be. Perhaps it was because they were in charge of the camera and any photographs taken would be of us. I'm sure I can remember Daddy not being keen on having his photograph taken and would only submit on special occasions such as weddings. There were lots of weddings. Between them our parents had more than fifty nieces and nephews.

Of course when we grew up we were always taking photographs of them. As you can see Daddy found it hard to take it seriously. He was probably saying something like, "What are you taking pictures for you fool idiot!" As time went on he learned to accept his children's desire to document his existence.

 I wanted to take this picture in the garden. By then Seamus wasn't that mobile but he was prepared to oblige. Times had changed.

This picture was taken on the day of my sister Deirdre's wedding. It was a year or so after Daddy's stroke. He wasn't able to walk my sister up the aisle so Matty did the honours. It is almost painful to look at these images, to see how failed he had become. But there is joy in it too because of the love that they still had for each other.

Eleven months later I went to visit Matty. We had planned a jaunt to Magherafelt and a visit to Daddy in his care home. She visited him five to six times a week. Every chance she got. We got in the car and I said,

Magherafelt first or Daddy first?

She said,

Magherafelt first.

We spent an hour in Magherafelt and then back to Randalstown to visit with Daddy.

I remember I used to fuss over him a lot when we visited. But on this occasion I just kissed him hello then sat back on a sofa while Mammy sat close to him. I spent some of my time in idle conversation with another resident. But mostly I just watched them. Daddy seemed more responsive than usual. She was talking quietly to him, he was listening intently. They were touching each other on the arms and hands. After about thirty minutes she said we would go. I went over, kissed him, said, "See you soon." She said her goodbyes too. In the car, on the way home I said,

That was a lovely visit.

She agreed.

I left her home and went home myself. Got changed into gardening clothes and then the phone rang. It was the care home.

I got to see Daddy sooner than I expected and for the last time.

There are a lot of people who believe in angels. I'm not one of them. Except for this day ten years ago. It must have been an angel who guided me to that sofa, six feet away from my mother and father as they spent a part of their very last day together loving each other.

A Funeral for a Bullfinch

Thursday rolls around again and today we had three collections. First was Ben, just finished the very first of his GCSEs. Bert collected him, took him for a hearty breakfast, then they both picked Evie up from playgroup.

She arrived back here in very bad form. Apparently there had been some sort of difficulty with a boy named Kai. It must have been bad for she was inconsolable for at least ten minutes. He had 'noyed' her by looking at her from under the table. Doesn't sound like much but a three-year-old looks at the world differently than we do. Cuddles, a sausage roll, red sauce and a glass of milk set her on her feet again.

We sorted out the hens, collected eggs and passed the time very pleasantly until it was time to collect Martha from school. We all checked out a charity shop in Harryville where I bought a bunch of books for 60p, some bright pink Crocs for £1 (real ones and I promise I'll only wear them for gardening) and the girls added to the dressing up box.

We weren't long back when Bert discovered this poor bullfinch that had flown into one of the sun room windows. That meant there had to be - A Funeral.

Martha collects the poor wee thing in an environmentally friendly open casket - half an egg box. Sort of appropriate, eggs, birds....

 Ben was chief grave-digger. Note girls' tragic stance. Note Young Loveheart's dog Phoenix, a part of the funeral party. Our dogs did not attend.

Left alone at the grave side, Phoenix cannot help wondering why perfectly good food has been buried in the ground and a piece of concrete slab placed on it. Little does she know that the slab is there to prevent her from digging the bird up.

The girls lay flowers on the grave while Phoenix watches. I have to say that her owner was almost as bemused as she by the proceedings. I had to explain to Young Loveheart that the game of Playing Funerals is useful for helping young children to accept the cycle of life and death.

The posy that the girls gathered. I think it looks very pretty even though it too will soon wither and die.

Thursday is turning out to be Nellybert's favourite day of the week.

Looking Back

24th most viewed on Flickr, 774 views

Miss Hannah from ten years ago, a photograph taken to celebrate a snazzy new haircut.

The 24th most interesting picture with 206 views

I put this one up not so long ago to mark Mother's Day. Matty is on my mind a lot right now as it is coming up to the fourth anniversary of her death. What a lot has happened since then. How delighted she would have been to know that Katy, the child in her embrace, is expecting her first child this summer. It makes me a little sad to think that Matty only got to meet her first great-grandchild, her namesake Martha, who she adored.

This is my blog from four years ago posted on the 21st April, the last one written while she still lived.

I woke just before 7am and decided not to get up. Immediately I fell into dreams. I dreamed that my mother was dying and that I held her in my arms and would not let her go. We lived in a succession of damp, dilapidated and tumbledown sheds and still I would not let her go. She got frailer and smaller and eventually she was as small as a baby. She was my baby, she was also another person called Shirley and still she was my mother. She was dying and I had to get her a coffin. She was small enough to fit in an infant's casket but I knew that because she had been a woman I needed to get her a woman-sized coffin.

These are the dreams I have without opiates. God only knows what Matty dreams. She told my sister, in one of her lucid moments, that it was like 'being in two places at once.'

Today was my Miss Martha day. We went to Matty's then out for a run with Great Aunt Ganching (with whom Miss Martha has become most enamoured). Next home to see Bert, a picnic on the lawn and a very relaxing afternoon with toys and pigs and dogs.

When Martha went home I spent a while watering the vegetables (this will be my role and it is a very important one) and then gathering sticks, a proper outdoor barbecue (no charcoal) and pork chops, spinach and baked potatoes for supper.

Another normal day. Tomorrow I go shopping for funeral clothes.

Hen Funeral

Sometimes the best pictures happen when you haven't got a camera. I was walking back from the polytunnel today with a handful of salad and a couple of peaches when I saw a curious procession. Bert led the way carrying a big spade. Behind him walked a very solemn Evie. Then came Ben, carrying a box containing a dead chicken whose head and neck (recently wrung) hung over the edge of the box. Lastly came Martha carrying a small pink spade and a bunch of flowers.

They were having a funeral for the hen while I prepared lunch.

Afterwards Martha took me to see the grave. Evie was reluctant to go as she thought it was 'too sad.' This time I brought a camera.

And if things continue in this vein I may have to change the name Nelly's Garden to The Blog of Death.

Death Blog

Death Blog

Wasn't this blog once a light-hearted affair? Did I not write of all the amusing things that happened in my life? Do amusing things not happen any more or, if they do, do I barely notice them as I sit here reminiscing about funerals and pondering death?

I dreamed about Pearlie again last night. She stirred from her death bed and I fled her hospital room. Not like real life then for she died at home. I left her scattered with sweets and chocolate. Not like real life for it was me, not Pearlie, who had the extreme sweet tooth.

It's early morning when I wake. Almost the first thought to enter my head. She is gone. Again the familiar feeling of loss, of absence.

I won't pretend. I looked forward to her not being here. Looked ahead to a time when our chief responsibilities would be to each other, no old wifey sucking at our time and our energies with her endless small wants and constant disappointments. And now it is here and it is not what I thought. I never expected to feel the loss so keenly. Three years a full-time carer and now, what now?

A Lighter Look At The Situation

Last Thursday Miss Martha requested we visit her grave. I'd mentioned before that I'd take her some day. As we parked outside Martha began to advise Evie with all the solemnity that a nearly-five can offer.

Now Evie, this is not for fun. We are not going in here to play. We have to be serious for we are going in to visit Pearlie in her grave, not to play!

Evie looked suitably sad and said,

But I want to visit her in her room!

Evie feeling the loss too.

Previously Martha had been asking lots of questions about the burial process and I was answering as best I could as one question led in to another. I think one thing that struck her was that people get buried in perfectly good garments. She might have thought that a shame and a waste for Martha likes clothes. What happened to the clothes led to what happened to bodies and as we entered the gates she asked,

Will she still have her hair?

We visited the grave and some others as well for Martha likes graveyards. Many questions were asked and answered and then, and I'm not sorry to report it, their solemnity lifted and they did play.

The Man From Nowhere and Other Stories

I often heard Matty refer to my father's paternal grandfather as 'the man from nowhere.' It is true that there does not seem to be much information about him, or where he came from. It does not help that his name, John Byrne, was very common in Ireland. Imagine then my pleasure to come across this little snippet on the internet. It's from the Catholic Journal, an American publication. This section was titled,

The date given was between 1900 and 1903 but I think these items dated from 1900-1901. My great-granny Byrne was a widow in 1901 according to the census records.

Good to know that the priest picked an apt subject for the sermon. "Death" always goes down well at a funeral. I'm also glad to inform readers that the little church in Tannaghmore is still as neat as ever it was. And it pleases me to know that my ancestor was charitable as well as mysterious.

But the death of a man, no matter how mysterious, is still a humdrum affair and I was glad to read other lively snippets from the island of Ireland.

Longford folk came across as lively enough. The Widow Boyle certainly displayed a zest for living.

And Michael Fury does not care a fig for the government of the day.

Nor did the Kerry people care a fig for the Royal family.

There was more of course. So if anyone wants to know what the nuns, the priests, the plain people of Ireland and the United Irish League in Drumkeeran, Leitrim were up to at the turn of the 20th century, here is the link. Enjoy!

My Living Will

Another funeral today, a friend's mother, in her 93^rd year. I hadn't known her for long and I certainly never knew her in her prime but she was a lovely woman, humourous, generous, always smiling and with a great zest for life.

Afterwards I said to Bert,

That went off very well don't you think?

And he said,

Sure don't funerals always go off well?

I got to thinking about that. Usually they do. But I have come across a few exceptions in my time.

Years ago when I was new to the funeral game I attended a service for one of the grand old dames of our parish. The chapel was packed. Suddenly there was a tremendous clatter and crash at the back and the priest suspended the ritual and rushed down the aisle. Turned out the old lady's nephew had suffered a fatal heart attack and, as everyone present agreed, no better place for it and handy to Father for the last rites.

There was a similar story about the doors when a fellow came back from the building in London to attend the funeral of his older half-brother. He took a turn at the wake and never recovered and to save time and money the family doubled up the funeral and buried them together.

The saddest funeral I ever was at was that of a boy of 17, the son of a work colleague. He was killed in a car crash where the boy at the wheel was consequently charged and convicted of dangerous driving. His family were great people but they were not particularly religious. In this country there are a lot of people who believe that a funeral cannot take place without the assistance of a member of the clergy. Someone, somewhere had gathered up an evangelical pastor to speak at the graveside. This man stood there and preached the 'born again' sermon. There was a great deal about 'sinning' and 'eternal damnation'. There was mention made that the unfortunate boy had not been 'saved' so we could all reach our own conclusions on that. There was not one word of comfort for the family. The poor child's mother was in a fainting condition and his older brother looked like he might choke the pastor. I'm sinner enough to wish he had.

I've never forgotten that. It must be a comfort, for those that believe, to hear priests and ministers talk of eternal life. But not everyone buys into established religion. My parents are both dead now and I do not (although I reserve the right to change my mind) feel that it would be appropriate for me to have a religious funeral. The parents would, if they'd outlived me, been devastated to have me buried outside the faith. But now there is no one who'd really care. Say a prayer for me if you wish but keep priests and ministers away from my graveside.

Charlie Died

Well.

Charlie died. He was killed on the road near to the entrance of our lane. Last night, just before midnight I let all three of our dogs out to pee. Bonnie and Judy usually do their business, mooch around for a few minutes and come to the door to be let in. Charlie does some rounds of the garden and yard and will either come in willingly or he might need to be persuaded. I had gone to bed so Bert was the one doing the persuading. Charlie did not respond so Bert called me and I grumpily got up to try my cajoling magic on him. I shouted, I called, I hoped, I prayed. No Charlie. I took a torch to the bottom of the lane and shone it around. No sign. I decided to take the car out. I'd only turned it out of the lane when I saw him lying at the side of the road. I got out and picked him up. He was limp and light as a feather.

This morning when I carried him from the shed to his grave he felt much more of a burden. I suppose that is what people mean when they speak of a dead weight.

Judging by the amount of blood on the road Charlie did not die where I found him. Someone, most likely the driver of the vehicle that killed him, gathered him up and placed him where no other vehicle would drive over him. I'm grateful for that.

Sleeping

We had the Senior Dog, Paddy, humanely put down last Thursday. He'd been in a decline for the past year but had really started to fail this past few weeks. I'd say things like, "I don't think Paddy's long for this world," but he'd keep plodding on although his sight and hearing was almost away. It was two days before the end that I actually realised that he was dying. He didn't seem to be in any pain but you never know. He was certainly getting weaker. He couldn't jump on the sofa and he could hardly stand when he went outside to pee. He kept going round in circles before he'd lie down. he didn't look comfortable. He was starting to go off his food. On Thursday morning I made him a scrambled egg with butter. He ate half of it. Normally he'd have gobbled a delicacy like that. It was his last meal. Less than an hour later I made a very fast decision and called the vet.

She came to the house. Bert put Paddy to rest in the garden just after two o'clock.

Ever since I've been in pieces. I don't know why. I've lost lots of pets over the years but none have affected me like this. I think it was because it was done so quickly. But that is what we are supposed to do isn't it? Prevent them from suffering.

Paddy

Paddy - Mountain Dog, originally uploaded by NellyMoser.

Paddy - who shared our life from 17th March 2004 until 9th February 2012.

Rest in peace old son. You will be missed