Sometimes I wish that I wasn't a well brought up lady for then I could share some of the shocking tales that I occasionally hear about some of Ballymena's more colourful characters.
Stories like the one I heard yesterday about Old Bill. This man has his own house but during the day he prefers life on the streets for he enjoys the company of street drinkers and other unfortunates. He claims to be 86 but I think he's probably just 68 and looking for sympathy.
He's not really a looker and at 68/86 his pulling days are pretty much over. I have it on good authority (PSNI good enough for you) that Old Bill would relieve his tension by pleasuring Tesco frozen chickens. We wondered, Ursa Minor and I, if he couldn't have got himself a classier bird - say one from Sainsburys or Marks & Spencer.
He's going about with a woman now. As I said to Ursa Minor, "There's someone for everyone," and she replied, "At least she's warm!"
If anyone thinks that the subject matter of this post is too. too dreadful I refer you to Portnoy's Complaint. If it's good enough for Philip Roth..