This is what actually happened.
Mandolin Man arrived back at 11.30pm – Banjo Man had stopped in Portglenone, as he was aghast to hear that his wife, the blonde, was out revelling with two of the handsomest men in Portglenone.
The charges, Mandolin Man and myself all retired early. At 3.30am the Portglenone Four – and Ploppy Pants returning from their night out rudely awakened us. Poor Mandolin Man was sleeping on the kitchen sofa so he bore the brunt. You know those deep voices that boom and reverberate throughout a building? Well Ploppy Pants has got one of those. I lay in bed and fantasised about shooting him out of a cannon. Over a cliff. Then there was the tippety-tap of Jazzer’s kitten heels up and down, up and down the kitchen floor. For feck’s sake woman would you ever sit on your arse? I fantasised about going downstairs and hammering out a tune on her head with those kitten heels.
What did I actually do? I summoned Bert and peevishly asked him to tell that lot to keep the noise down, that I’d been up half the night in work the previous night and I wanted a decent night’s sleep tonight. Bless him for he managed to keep them quiet after that.
This is one star who doesn’t like her sleep being disturbed.