I Know You

I was walking through the council yard the other evening when I spotted a group of young fellows wearing baseball caps and looking a bit scary. I was carrying a bag containing a purse containing money and credit cards, a mobile phone and a digital camera, which would have been a decent haul for muggers. These lads were shouting and generally ‘getting on’ in what I thought was an intimidating manner. Paddy dog was not looking anything like as savage and dangerous as I might have wished for. As I got nearer the group they fell silent and stared at me balefully. I decided to have a damn good look at them too so that I could give a good description to the police after they’d mugged me. First impression was they were aged from 16-19 and there was a big one a medium one and two smallish ones. I checked the big one first. He had on a navy baseball cap with a red logo, navy trackie type jacket with a red and white trim, denim jeans and big caterpillar boots (all the better for giving you a good kicking) Right that’s him done. Next please. Oh I know you, you maggot. You’re Mark Glenn. I knew Mark from about 14 and now he must be nearly 18. He used to like me and chat to me quite a bit. Then he got in with a lot of hoods, their first rule being ‘We Hate Taigs’. He stopped answering if I spoke to him on the street so now we blank each other. Good-oh. No need for bothersome memorising of features or clothing. Lay one hand on me now spidey-boys and I have a name.

Mutual glaring over I continued on my way. I think I definitely prefer country walking. The country boys are far less intimidating even when they’re roaring down the back roads on giant tractors pulling slurry spreaders or silage trailers. It’s the country housewife you need to watch out for as she speeds down the farm lane at 50mph and pulls out on to the road, never thinking for one second that hidden by the hedge is a wee woman and a dog coming trotting along. It’s only a matter of time before one of them cowps me into the ditch. But at least I’ll not be robbed.